I've been thinking a lot lately about the experience of other people triggering dysphoria. Not in the sense of social dsyphoria - not only did I never strongly struggle with this but, as someone who's been on hormones for nearly 8 years, I never get misgendered anymore - but in the sense of seeing another trans guy whose body is misaligned with his identity and it triggering dysphoira. I get it a lot when I notice trans men sitting (or squatting, if outside) to pee or if I'm watching porn and a trans man utilizes his vagina. The logical and empathetic part of me knows that 1) These things are not his fault and 2) He may actually enjoy his anatomy as is! and therefore, I don't judge the other people for it or blame them in anyway. But I do still feel the revulsion of dysphoria - though not as strong as when I myself was having to sit to pee and had a vagina, still very strong! This seems like something we rarely talk about in the trans community. Is it just because it's a bit taboo and difficult to discuss without sounding like we're judging others for not being further along in their transition? And/or for being happy with a non-cis-appearing body?
Well, when I see someone trans who doesn't "pass" for cis, I cringe because I relate too much. And when I see someone who passes or is cis I cringe for jealousy. Basically I'm always cringing. I'm REAL fun to be around.
I usually smile really big at people who are not very far in their transition because I know how they might feel or I'm jealous but I see how positive it can be if I keep with it. I see that the confidence improves and I will get a chance to be confident in my own skin too. As for people who definitely don't? Yeah, I suppose I do too. It's more like... I'm empathizing without really knowing HOW they feel. I wish I could make my mind change as well and NOT misgender them inside like I do to myself. But, that's mainly because my dysphoria is PRIMARILY socially charged and geared around accepting myself for who I am still. It's sometimes easier to cringe and run away if someone doesn't pass for cis because I start to worry about what to call them and if I am perceived like them and if I will offend them and on TOP of that, if I KNOW they are trans, I worry about misgendering them based on habit and feeling awful, and then considering how it must have felt to THEM and then thinking "well, that's their current expression, and it was completely unintentional," and then I start doing it to myself because I think I pass a LOT LESS than I do. and. *curled up in a ball behind the keyboard* I... Understand a lot, I think.
I do the same thing. It always makes me feel guilty because I know that the person doing it is just doing what's comfortable for them, but it reminds me of myself, and it reminds me of the dysphoria I would be feeling in that situation. I feel twinges of dysphoria seeing obviously non-passing transmasc people, transmasc people who don't bind, etc. It doesn't effect me with transfeminine people because it doesn't remind my of my situation as much. I think it's definitely kinda taboo to talk about just because it does sound so much like we're judging them for not transitioning or presenting themselves in the way we would, but it's not that. If someone doesn't need to bind or doesn't feel uncomfortable not passing, that's great for them. But it reminds me of what I would feel like not binding or what I feel like when I don't pass.
I do get some secondhand dysphoria when I see visibly trans people in public, mainly MTFs. I sort of imagine what other people may be thinking and feel sad. But I'm overly negative about it because tbh I absolutely hate being trans personally and resent being born this way. OTOH I find myself amazed at their strength and courage to be able to be themselves regardless. I don't think I could handle it.
I agree. It's especially MTFs for me as well. I saw a girl who looked SUPER scared and I visibly (felt awful because I wasn't presenting very well that day so she assumed I was in boy mode I guess) clocked her and almost turned around and ran after her to say sorry and that I loved her outfit and to just maybe make a friend and ally with her. But in that moment I realized she was born male I had about five different emotions cross my face and I was extremely dysphoria for a second which is why I think she got away. I hesitated and would have preferred to run and do ANYTHING to make my own dysphoria go away
It must be hard because as a girl you get stared at anyway and as a trans girl there's that extra layer of, is it because I'm trans or because of my otherwise appearance?
You have no IDEA how often that idea runs through my head. I get stared at by men but I have no idea what to do or think. And part of me wants to turn and do the whole "what, you got a problem, as*****?!" And the other parts tell me to run and cry and freeze up or even feel flattered. And... Yeah. It's Not simple. People aren't really nice about it.
