What's up, y'all. I'll start this off with some casual slang because I'm feeling pretty good. I think I finally understand myself. That may be a cliche, but I feel like my type of experience is rarely discussed, and if it is discussed it's either done in a biased or condemning way. First! You must understand that transgender people... are PEOPLE. We all have our own personalities, dreams, heart, soul, mind. Therefore, we are all DIFFERENT. I am about to talk about MY experience, which is very different from the experience of many transgender people out there. I'm not saying anything about anyone, other than myself. Okay? Please accept me, even if my story is different from yours. I need to admit something. I'm experience autogynephilia. I was born male. I'm attracted to women (sometimes men, but only in fantasy), and I'm mostly attracted to the idea of becoming a woman. No. You don't understand. Really, I'm MOSTLY sexually attracted by the idea of becoming a woman. Yeah. Pretty weird right? Most people have no idea what that's like. Most people like me go along with the idea that it's a paraphilia because, well, at least they can experience some other types of attraction. Homosexuals are understood and respected because many courageous and beautiful people stood up and said, hey! We're here and we're queer and we deserve rights! Well, this autogynephilia thing is harder to understand. It's common for the people who experience it to think something is wrong with them. Or dismiss this as JUST A FETISH or JUST A FANTASY! But dammit, this fantasy isn't going away. Try telling someone who is gay that sex with a man is JUST A FETISH. Silly right? Well, what's the difference? Maybe a person who experiences autogynephilia is able to distract themselves with relationships, responsibilities or hobbies. I know I have. But the more I push it away, the stronger it becomes. I believe "curing" autogynephilia is like "curing" homosexuality. It just doesn't happen. And you know what? Nothing is wrong with homosexuality. And nothing is wrong with autogynephilia. Autogynephilia just hasn't found its place yet in the mainstream... yet? I also believe that many people who experience autogynephilia may only experience it mildly, like a secondary sexual orientation. Pish posh. Many people even grow out of it, but as I get older, it's getting stronger and starting to feel like a consuming spiritual desire that transcends eroticism. I feel like it's my primary sexual orientation. I feel it strongly, so for ME, I can't ignore it. There's nothing wrong with me or them. It was just harder for me to realize this because of all of the misinformation that stems from BOTH transphobic people AND people who want to distance themselves from autogynephilia as much as possible. You are both wrong. I exist AND I'm a human being just like you. You may not experience life in the same way, but I just want to live and be happy just like you. So. I have decided to transition. First with hormones. Then, maybe FFS. What about my life? What about my job? What about relationships? I will feel less horny when I'm on female hormones... Well, if you are gay, what's the point of being gay unless you're constantly having sex with a man right? Come on. Be serious. Most of my life is spent doing mundane shit. That won't change even if I transition. However, on occasion, I will get to experience what it's like to have sex in a more feminine body. I'm not screwing up my life. I will still work hard and strive to be a good person, just as I've always done. I will do my best to be complete. This is just one piece of the puzzle that is ME. Am I scared? Damn right I am! But you know what? I'm not going to spend the rest of my life wondering what if... because I've been doing that for awhile and that's not a good place to be. I constantly go back and forth in my mind and I'm always thinking about it. I expect transition to be as hard as hell, but I also expect to experience those moments of satisfaction, to learn, and to grow. This is who I am. That's that. It's simple. I hope to find mutual love and attraction. Maybe with a man. Maybe with a woman. I know I'm attracted to women now, but who knows what else will change? Yes, sometimes I worry that no one could fully love me unless I was "natal". But that's a load of shit. All that matters is that I feel confident and hold onto the love in my heart. If I do that, then someone may see me and share that love with me. The world is a beautiful place, and even if I die without ever having a family, I'll still never be alone. And neither will you, dear reader <3 We are who we are.
Hi karmatoast, I was just reading about this subject the other day because I feel like I am experiencing some autoANDROphilia and as an AMAB person it really confuses me about my transition. I don't know if this will help but, Dr. Anne Lawrence on Transsexualism and Sexuality seems like this person self- identifies as autogynephilic and has written some papers about autogynephilia as an identity/orientation. I find her views a bit narrowminded and counterphobic though. Trying too hard to make the point that it's OK and speaking for a lot of other people in the process. But, I think there is value in accepting people's choice to identify this way if it's what feels right for you. I would be careful of comments like the one you made about being gay. I won't quote you but, I strongly dsagree with you on that. Good luck and hope u figure things out!
karmatoast - I too have decided to transition after taking my strong AGP feeling to a therapist to make sure I was not somehow fooling myself. I am very fortunate to have a very supportive wife and a mtf girlfriend. We all need to stick together Bri
First I think your post is really brave and awesome, and I want to thank you for sharing it But second, while I do hope for nothing but success with your transition, as your doctors have no doubt advised you, hormones have a direct effect on gender dysphoria. Cis men who abuse steroids, and have their bodies flooded with estrogen during withdrawal, reliably report gender dysphoria, often including suicidal ideation. This may not be the case with you. Again, a doctor is advising you, and that's awesome. But to a lot of people, if it is mostly about sex to them, they should consider hormones as part of their transition very, very carefully. It is possible to detransition, and start taking testosterone again, if things don't work out. There are many cis men on testosterone, without ever doing HRT, who manage to look very feminine. And there are many ways to experience being penetrated without genital surgery that destroys your body's hormone factories. Either way, I'm sure you've considered all this beforehand. I agree completely, people for whom the idea of having sex as a woman is sexually fulfilling, but who don't want to be a woman in their day to day lives, should not be made to feel any kind of shame, and should have every bit of support we can give them. And I'm really glad that you're standing up for people like that
So.. new to the forums.. and decided I'd lurk a bit during lunch. and then Wham. I find this thread... your words resonate as if they were in my own head, Karmatoast... I am still processing what I've read with you and the replies.. I'll be able to write more later. I just had no idea previously how to put it into words. Thanks for sharing =)
I'm fairly sure I'm a crossdreamer but things can be confusing for me when it comes to my gender identity.
Do you happen to know how to track some of this down to read up on any research done here? I actually find that phenomenon very interesting. And I've been reading quite a bit of the research in this space lately. Honestly, you are the first person I've come across to openly identify this way recently, and thanks for that. It does make me think deeper on this topic than I have in a while. There is definitely a history behind this term, though, and it gets complicated quick because of how it has been used to pathologize all transgender women who dare to identify as bisexual or lesbian. I get where you are coming from, basically finding yourself in between two groups arguing over the term and its use. As someone who is firmly entrenched in the anti-Blanchard/Bailey/Lawrence/Dreger camp, I see you, hear your words, and accept you. In the argument against the crap science behind the typology that Blanchard presented, it is unfortunate that this term happens to be a key part of that typology, and a key part of the debate as a result.
Hey Alex This stuff fascinates me too. First though, I need to be careful with my language. Hypogonadism (meaning males with low testosterone and females with low estrogen) has been known to cause dysphoria, marked by severe depression and suicidal ideation. Steroid abuse has been known to not only cause hypogonadism, but increased presence of the wrong hormones, to the point where you fit an opposite gender profile. Most males that abuse steroids do report being very dissatisfied when they develop secondary sex characteristics of the wrong gender, such as breasts. So, what I can prove is that steroid abuse causes dysphoria, and dissatisfaction with your physical sex. What I can't prove is that steroid abuse causes gender dysphoria. I am not a qualified expert in my field, and it would take one to label the dysphoria produced by steroid hormones "gender dysphoria". It may very well be; I'm just not qualified to say. So to sum up, I should have said that the sex hormone imbalance caused by steroid abuse causes dysphoria. With that said I'll lead off with a bit of a control. This is the case study of someone who had hypogonadism and, being trans, was quite happy with it. Primary testicular failure presenting as gender identity disorder This one is unfortunately behind a paywall. I'll quote the relevant sections, emphasis mine, Psychiatric Complications of Anabolic Steroid Abuse This article does a good job explaining exactly how abusing steroids causes hypogonadism and excess estrogen production in males, and the mental health effects which mimic the symptoms of gender dysphoria that result directly from the shift to a female hormone profile, again emphasis mine, Anabolic Steroids and The Depression Connection This one is free, section 3.2 "neuroendocrine effects" is the interesting one, emphasis mine, Long-Term Psychiatric and Medical Consequences of Anabolic-Androgenic Steroid Abuse The other two sources referenced - Brower, 2002 and Sashkin and Kleber, 1989, are these, and are unfortunately paywalled in a way that I can't access them directly via the internet. However, they are heavily referenced in any context that links steroid abuse with hypogonadism and dysphoria, such as the passage I just quoted. These are "paydirt"; that is, the entire link from steroid abuse <-> hypogonadism <-> dysphoria is present. Brower KJ. Anabolic steroid abuse and dependence. Current Psychiatry Reports. 2002;4:377–387. Anabolic steroid abuse and dependence. - PubMed - NCBI Kashkin KB, Kleber HD. Hooked on hormones? An anabolic steroid addiction hypothesis. JAMA. 1989;262:3166–3170. Hooked on hormones? An anabolic steroid addiction hypothesis. - PubMed - NCBI Up until now I have been looking for the "whole enchilada". It is very easy to research this, however, if we break Steroid use causes hypogonadism and increased production of the wrong hormones, which in turn cause acute dysphoria Into three clauses, Steroid use cases hypogonadism and increased production of the wrong hormones Hypogonadism causes dysphoria Elevated levels of the wrong hormones cause dysphoria Since the third one is, well, being trans, I'll focus only on the other two for the rest of what I'll present. Hypogonadism causes dysphoria : http://www.ismh.org/en/sys/wp-conte...emiology-SR-formatted-and-second-checked1.pdf Start at slide 23, each slide has its sources at the bottom, and the sources are all credible peer reviewed medical and psychiatric journals. And finally, abusing steroids causes hypogonadism + added wrong hormones during withdrawal, this one's abstract has all the information we need but the full article is behind a paywall, [Treatment strategies of withdrawal from long-term use of anabolic-androgenic steroids]. - PubMed - NCBI I've tried to avoid "common sense" ideas such as "roids give you tits", but I think it's worth pointing out that generally speaking at least some of the side effects of steroid abuse are widely known and at least somewhat well understood, and are not controversial.
