Im 16 year old girl, and have been thinking about ftm. For a very long time ive been dealing with dysphoria, depression, and anger issues. When ever i started thinking about being a boy a huge weight lifted off my chest. But then i start panicking and start thinking no no no no no im a girl not a guy and i start getting a really sick feeling. I always try to shove wanting to be a bohy deep deep down but it always comes back, and when ever it does i get really bad episodes of dysphoria and distant myself from everyone. I really dont know if its just a phase or something or if i really do want to be a boy. As a kid i was very tomboy and would always think of guy names for myself and still do. I just want to know what you guys think, if it sounds like a phase or if it sounds like im trans.
You said you've been dealing with dysphoria for a long time, which makes me think it's not likely to go away. It does sound like you're trans. I know it can be really hard to accept and get used to, but it can't be pushed down and ignored forever. If it were just a phase, I think ignoring it would have worked by now, instead of just giving you more dysphoria.
Just to offer a less common perspective.. I transitioned MtF yet I also fantasize about being a boy again and feel like it would be such a huge relief. But, for me, it's because it represents an escape from being perceived as female and never feeling good enough. I can hide behind being a boy because it's not me. But when I live as a boy, I feel empty without external validation and recognition of my femininity, it terrifies me to think of just living a typical life of a boy without constant recognition for how I am different than most boys, retaining a connection to my actually female identity. It may not be the same for you, but I'm just saying its unique for everyone and ultimately your desire to transition needs to be intrinsic. Regardless of anyone's opinion, will you be happier as a guy? Do you feel like being a guy would help you to express/explore your real self and live the way you really want to live?
i, too, am struggling with gender. dmab here, but as i type this, i'm thinking about what girls' clothes i'll wear to classes today. i don't think i could fully transition as i would feel the same feelings that oh my god I feels although i admire her bravery. i used to think that if you were under 25 or 22 or something, that you should age a bit, let your brain fully develop and then make a choice. i wondered if the mainstreaming of transsexualism was to blame. but as someone who's young looking for his age but older than most of you, i'd say keep considering it. i see nice looking mtf people in my scene who simply don't pass even when they present at their best and for me, i'd feel like i was living a lie if i fully transitioned. therefore, i'd rather wear girls' clothes on the days i'm feeling pink (like today) and if people wonder if i'm gay or act surprised that i'm married, let them. think about what your 18-year self could be like. prepare for that time. do homework on transitioning so that if you feel that way when you're an adult, you'll be better informed.
@eden yeah it's not even a passing issue for me, just feelings, as far as everyone else is concerned I'm just some cis girl who doesn't have a reason to think about any of this, and it's still hard. Regardless of passing or not passing, or any practical concerns it can be hard to separate fears from feelings and avoidance from identity. We have lots of reasons for the things we feel. I just like to tell people to be careful. Transitioning is a serious change and it will significantly alter the course of your future, of your whole life. Do everything you can to make sure you want it, for real, and purely for you, before you make anything at all permanent. I mean, even if you didn't intend to physically transition, just coming out or telling people you are trans can be a huger deal than you would think. You can potentially get swept up in this narrative you created and it isn't actually right for everyone. IMO transition is a tool that exists to solve a serious, persistent issue that significantly affects your ability to get through life. OTOH, there's no rush to know sooner rather than later, people esp FtMs can transition at any age. Yeah, a lot more people are identifying as trans than ever lately. I just think, if you have to ask if you are trans in the first place, maybe you need to take a lot of time to figure it out. Knowing or not knowing that it is possible to transition is one thing but not really knowing whether or not you even have a significant problem with your assigned gender in the first place is a good sign that you should give it time.
I agree with you, oh my god I. It's a big deal which is why I think being gender fluid and wearing girls' clothes when I feel like it (androgynously or not) is the way to go. I could miss my old boy-self. You make good points.
