I'm scared, I don't want to be a cutter

Try not to feel too guilty about it--that won't help you. You just have to find some other way to direct your attention, like a sport, or art (writing?), or even getting really into a TV show or something.

Really, the reason why cutting is relieving is because it releases endorphins. Other things that do this are eating (dark chocolate, spicy food, or any comfort food); exercise (which I recommend you do anyway); laughing, genuinely or not; watching/reading really dramatic or comedic things can even release them.

Holding ice (to your chest maybe) has a similar psychological response to cutting, but without hurting yourself. If you don't want to be a cutter, you don't have to be a cutter. Even if you slip up, you don't have to define yourself by that. If it becomes a reoccuring issue, seek help.

Also remember to clean them, even if it's unpleasant it's nowhere near as bad as getting an infection.

 

Sometimes I draw on myself with a sharpie to distract myself from it all. :\

Don't get discouraged! Good luck!

 

It's okay, Cody. A lot of us have been there or are still in that place. I know for me, I sometimes feel so close to relapsing that I can taste it--even going as far to say I thought about downing all my anti-depressants a few months ago.

If you're struggling and looking for alternatives to help you cope with those urges, here's a link to a nice masterpost of what you can try. I know a few of them helped me out when I thought about burning.: all I loved, I loved alone - Alternatives to Self Harm

I'm not sure if it's mentioned with the link, but grounding might be able to help; where you use you count things in your surroundings using your senses (ex: five things you can touch, four things you can smell, etc...). For me, having a plushie or something I can hold onto or play with helps me when I dissociate. I also used to buy coloring books and get lost in those to distract myself from dysphoria as well.

Hope this helps, little bro.

 

Knit. Seriously, it helps so much. It's a calming distraction, I guess.

 

You don't have anything to feel guilty about, it's not healthy but it's not wrong. Excersise can boost testosterone levels as well as releasing a healthy dose of endorphins. Try to focus on your goals for your body instead of the current condition. Get a binder, see a counselor, work towards hormones and surgery if that's what you want.