Here's my story and my first post... it goes something like this. I tried to include as many important details as possible and it got very long. If you have any questions or insight, please respond. Thanks for reading. When I was very young (like 6 or so), I had a dream about being effeminate. My masculine body parts (chest/penis/etc.) were covered by a cloud, or bubbles, or something. The dream seemed really sexual in nature, and I remember being turned on by it –but I was too young to understand what was happening. I woke up, ran to the bathroom and turned the shower faucet all the way hot until the mirror fogged up, and I looked at myself in the mirror. I don’t remember what happened next, but it awakened something in me. From then on, growing up, I was confused about my sexuality… I started masturbating when I was about 6-7 years old. I am and always have been very much attracted to women. I think that women are very beautiful. I am not attracted to men, except maybe 2-3 that I have met in my life, and several I have seen in porn. And the ones I was attracted to I didn’t have any sexual urges or fantasies about like I do with women… the idea of kissing a guy actually repulses me. Seems pretty clear, right? Well, when I was first exposed to nudity (not complete nudity), I started having strange fantasies about being a woman – only sexual fantasies. And then I was exposed to porn magazines. The way the vagina looked actually really shocked/spooked me. Dunno if that’s common, just throwing that out there in case it might be related. Maybe it was just a really ugly flappy one… I don’t have problems with it now, though! I realized when I was a young teenager that what really turns me on about porn is not only my attraction to the female porn star, but especially the shape/size of the penis(es), and how she sucks/gets fucked by it (or them... lol). I started having fantasies about being a female and sucking/getting fucked myself, and I used to feel really guilty about getting off to that. I started to act out on my fantasies, for instance, wearing my mom’s bras, panties and nylons when no one was around (I did many other things, such as shave my legs and steal my cousin’s chap/lipstick). One time I got caught wearing panties, and my mom humiliated me and told my brother. When they were both making fun of me, I lashed out and they ended up calling the police and everything. As if that didn’t hurt me enough, I tried once more when we were at a basketball tournament out of town and I had the hotel room to myself. I forgot to shut the blinds and my brother and all of his friends on the basketball team saw me. I stopped at that point because I was so guilty and embarrassed. Even though I stopped the crossdressing stuff, I started exploring sexually with anal play. I found out it really turns me on and I enjoy it. I remember ordering my first dildo online from Ebay when I was 17 lol. It was too big for me... too wide, so I never really got to use it. When I was about 19 or 20, I started watching gay porn (in addition to many other kinds, all of which I all enjoy) and posting anonymous m4m casual encounter ads on the internet. I would get really turned on, hit my sexual release, and then flake out… and I have been doing this ever since. I feel terrible leading guys on, but not too terrible because it has happened to me, too, lol. I have always been nervous about coming out and very guilty about everything. Besides, I don’t even know what my orientation or gender is. I am so confused, I just don’t know how to face it. Sometimes I wish a penis would just magically appear sticking out of my wall, like a glory hole, and I could just do whatever I wanted with it and continue my life as I please. Anyway, I have had a series of relationships with women, and I even got married once. During that marriage, things got rocky, and I decided once and for all to meet up with a guy. I met a guy off CL, who was not very attractive and his penis was not anywhere as big as what he thought it was. He was also several years older. It was also very awkward because we were both married. I had a hard time getting an erection. We met up twice. The first time we hopped right in bed, did 69, and we jacked off together to completion. The second time we took turns blowing each other. I got such a rush from sucking dick. I still fantasize about it. I wanted to hook up again to suck him more and try anal, but it never happened because he wanted me to host and I was too nervous about ruining my marriage. Eventually he stopped replying to my messages. Well, the marriage didn’t work out, I am still posting ads and flaking out, and I just got out of another relationship that only lasted 7 months. We are still friends and we are stuck living together until the end of the lease because of financial constraints. Oh well. I need to sort myself out before I date anymore. I have just started revisiting these struggles because I am getting an urge again. The other night I ordered a couple realistic dildos and anal beads. I shaved my legs again. I am not feeling as guilty as I did in the past when I get off. I feel like I am getting the courage to hook up with a guy again and maybe even sort out my crossdressing issues in the future. But I am so confused and I don’t know what my gender or sexual orientation is. Can someone please offer some ideas on how to figure this out? It drives me nuts to not have a black and white answer. I know for sure I am not gay (maybe bi), and I also know for sure that I do not want to permanently be a woman. But I don't understand why I have sexual urges to be a woman or why sex toys aren't enough. I don't understand why I want a guy's cum all over me, but I don't want to kiss a guy.... but yet I really like kissing girls? What is going on with me?
For real? That makes me feel even more like crap. I did look for a way to edit my post and I couldn't, so sorry.
Yeah this looks more suitable for a blog in your profile than a thread. It does seem really abstract, maybe just try to do you without a label, keep experimenting, live your life, and don't do anything that you may regret.
Yea this is the most sexually explicit post I've ever seen here. But I think I understand where you're coming from. Traditionally sexual fantasy about being the opposite sex has been labeled fetishism and you would be told that you're not trans, but I think those ideas come from the misconception that sex is a separate part of the mind. The reality is that sexual fantasy is derived from everyday life and a person's sense of self, so fantasies of being the opposite sex are just as valid as any other trans-gender fantasy or inclination. As for messing around with guys, sexual orientation is considered separate from gender identity, but I personally think that the acknowledgment of one can trigger a shift in the other. for instance I was married to a woman and during sex I would fantasize about being her. Now I'm publicly out as a gay man but my partner knows I am trans, and I don't fantasize about reversing rolls anymore. Now i fantasize that the hormones have had time to work and I have the female body I've always wanted. So did my sexual orientation change or not? Did I really go from being a straight man to a gay man to a straight woman? Or was I always heterosexual and went from living my sex life vicariously to living it for myself? I'm not even sure, I'm just a girl with a penis trying to live my life like everyone else. Once your head stops spinning, you should check out some old threads on here and then hit up Google. Try to get a better understanding of what being transgender is like. Then ask yourself: if you could make yourself a new body from scratch, what would it look like?
I would say you need to seperate the two issues, your gender identity (what you identify as) and your sexual orientation (who you like). Your struggle seem a bit... different from the other ones I've heard of because it seems to be mostly related to sexual fantasies, whereas for a lot* of transgender people it has absolutely nothing to do with getting turned on by being the other gender. This makes me guess that you just really, really like crossdressing and being submissive sometimes, but that you find yourself romantically attracted to women. I hope I'm making a little sense here... Anyways, this topic seems more appropriate in another forum. Good luck!
