I wasn't sure to post this in the Coming Out forum or not, but anyways. A big obstacle in my way when it comes to gender is my family. From the beginning, even before I even got to the point where now I'm fairly certain I'm trans, I was stressing about what would happen if I ever have to come out to my family. No fault of theirs, but they weren't raised in LGBT+ friendly areas nor were they ever educated on it. They have little knowledge of what trans even means at all (I'm actually not sure if they even know trans people exist), and are incredibly traditional when it comes to relationships and gender. I have no hope in my mind that they would even begin to understand or approve if I were to come out to them in the future. A while ago I decided that I would force myself to not get surgery/go on HRT if they never come around, that I would wait for their acceptance even if it meant not transitioning until I'm well into middle age- since it's a big deal to go on HRT and it's not something that can be hidden from them. But now it's beginning to look like I desperately need to be on it in the future, even of the risk of every bad thing I can imagine happening (ruining my relationship with my parents, disappointing them- I'm an only child and all their expectations are on me.) Has anyone come out to a very conservative or traditional family? (I'm not kidding when I say that it's almost impossible from where I stand now, to imagine my parents understanding or accepting or approving me getting surgery/HRT.) How were your experiences? And should I begin to seek out and start transitioning even at the risk of everything? I'm moving out soon and have already began researching gender therapists and everything. Does anyone have any advice?
I tried to come out, once. My mom basically told me that she *knew* I wasn't transgender and said something about the devil deceiving my mind or some other BS. Basically even though I haven't moved out yet I've already started to transition by giving myself a common, genderneutral version of my name, cutting my hair short in an androgynous style, carrying a wallet (I monogrammed it so she wouldn't flip), wearing genderneutral or male clothes, etc. I'm moving on my transition journey at my own pace so I don't know exactly what the future holds. The way I see it, you have two choices. You can ease them into it or shock them into it. If for any reason depression or other mental health issues are occurring due to your dysphoria, then shocking them by giving them an ultimatum or guilting them into acceptance may work. It isn't the best way, but it has potential. Another option is just making little changes around them that signal your transition. Get a "pixie" cut. Stop wearing makeup. Buy gender neutral clothing and shoes. Basically very slowly transition from "female" to "androgenous"and finally "male". When they ask you why you stopped wearing purses or whatever you will need to have a good answer. Eventually they will either figure it out on their own, or someone will make a remark about their "son" that will ring their alarm bells until they ask you questions about LGBT stuff and you can give your coming out speech. Then you may gain their acceptance, or at least tolerance. Of course you could move out and then never speak to your family again, and when they send a detective after you you can get them to give your family the news. Of course there are millions of other options available to you. Good luck with it all.
altering people's views on gender takes time, but that's the first step to coming out as trans. I'm not sure where you live, but if your family's views are confined to your area, I think it's time to take a vacation. I mean a family vacation. You know; open their eyes a little. The world is changing, and they should catch up, otherwise you get the right to call them old farts. ---------- Post added 30th Jan 2016 at 03:58 PM ---------- Something else you might want to consider is telling another trusted adult before telling your family. It can help to have back up supports should the worst happen; not only that, but said adult may be able to help give you advice as to come out.
Thank you both for the replies and advice, it means a lot. I'd want to ease my parents into it or somehow open their views a bit on LGBT+ issues - so at least they have a foundation before I tell them (in the future. I'm not ready to come out to them yet whilst I'm living at home for now.) I don't want to give them an ultimatum as much though, or break off all contact entirely - ideally there will be a way to work it all out mutually. My relationship with my mom at least has been better over the recent few years, and I know she'd want me to be happy - maybe she'll come around easier. It still seems rather near impossible though, thinking forward into the future. I'll definitely need to prepare for what might happen, and try and at least educate them a bit beforehand. I am slowly transitioning in terms of clothes and hair at the moment though. Not mentioning much about gender but just moving gradually in the direction I want to go. Also I'll definitely try to tell another adult before I tell my parents, just in case things go massively wrong in the future. Cheers (*hug*)
I vote for easing them into it, shocking people can bring out the worst in them. You don't want to create drama you can't escape. Just remember that your identity is your own and has nothing to do with how others choose to see you. Be strong, you have a long journey ahead of you.
Thanks for the reply! Yes I want to find a way to ease them into it and at least expose them to the trans community somehow- maybe just letting them know that it exists and that trans people exist, at the very least. I've been finding and saving videos that I think might be useful to show them in the future, and I suppose I can't prepare for everything but I can do my best. Hopefully- and this is a big hopefully, I can be myself and still have their support along the way. But if it doesn't work out I know that I owe it to myself to, well, live as myself, and that includes transitioning. Thank you my friend (*hug*)
