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getting haircut triggered (more) dysphoria

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by misplacedaegyo, Jan 30, 2016.

  1. misplacedaegyo

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    Hey, here I am again.
    So yesterday I got a haircut. It looks pretty much like a flat version of this (actual pic of me in my profile(where I'm wearing fake lashes(don't judge))):[​IMG]

    Which tbh wasn't what I was going for. I told my hairdresser to make my hair boyish and showed her a picture of a man (not this pic) when she asked me what I wanted. My hair looks fine and all, and if someone else chose to get this hairstyle it would be cool and sweet, but I'm just
    it just really wasn't what I was going for
    and I feel like I look like a lesbian rather than a feminine boy, and I'm very dissapointed though I didn't magically expect to appear male the moment I got my hair cut.
    I have more dysphoria now than I've had for like two weeks.
    I just feel so wrong and I'm so sad and I wash I could have been born a cis boy ;; I'm on the verge of tears now and it's just so strange.

    I just needed to get this off my chest. If anyone has any advice that would be cool.
    If you'd like to share a similar story that would be cool too.

    Johan
     
  2. Alder

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    Actually I completely get how you feel about this. Every time I get my hair cut it's, well, at least it's good because it's short which is how I want it- but I almost never look as masculine as I want to look and think I would look like. I definitely don't look like a lot of the cis guys who I want to look like (with similar hair). Most of the time when I see myself in the mirror I just see a girl with short hair, though a lot of the time I don't know how others in public might see me as. I wish that I had a much more typically masculine face (and really everything else), but at the moment that's not very possible, so I just learned to manage the best I can, and I know you can too.

    I understand that it's confusing if the dysphoria gets worse after you get your hair cut but it can happen, don't worry about that too much. In the long run (I've had short hair for around a year now), it feels much, much better, at least for me in my experience. (Also - there is nothing wrong with being a trans guy and wanting/having long hair either. Depends on what you want and really just the situation you're in too, so no judgement to anybody. I'll just talk about short hair since it's relevant here, and also because I have similar experiences.)

    In your situation, it might be because the sudden change is shocking, and it is. Having had long hair for years, when I first got it cut it was such a sudden change and I wasn't used to it at all. Secondly while hair can make a world of difference, we may not look, to ourselves, as masculine or male as we want to even after we get our hair cut. Like I said, sometimes when I look at myself I look like a girl with short hair and it's rather disconcerting. There were times when I almost went like "forget it. Maybe I should just have long hair for now because I can't look like the guys I want to look like, etc." But I don't think that as much anymore, having short hair has definitely helped me in the long term. Even if it isn't perfect and I can't always get it right. It's not the end of the world though! There's still hope.

    Some practical advice from my experience- learn how to style it. You just got it so it may take some time to get a style that works best for you, but there will definitely be a way to style the hair you have now so it looks more like how you want it to look, and more masculine. I tend to brush mine up and back, and behind my ears on both sides, and part it unevenly. I used to use a bit or hair gel- I don't anymore, but maybe you want to give that a try. Although my parents aren't letting me get any haircut that's "a haircut for boys, not girls," I still work with my short hair the best I can, and there was that one time where the cashier called me sir, so I suppose it does work sometimes.

    I understand that you might be feeling down right now though. Give it some time, I hope you feel better soon (*hug*)

    (Also? Your profile pic looks great to me. But you do whatever is most comfortable for you. Give yourself a few days to figure out how to work your hair/hairstyle best, and if nothing works see if it's possible to get it re-cut or restyled at a hairdresser's or something like that. Just do whatever works for you.)
     
    #2 Alder, Jan 30, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2016
  3. misplacedaegyo

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    First of all: Thank you so much for taking your time to write this. It was really comforting to read, so thank you thank you thank you. And yeah, as you write, I probably have to get used to it and then it'll start getting better. I really looked forward to getting short hair too. For almost 4 years I looked forward to it. When I've showered today and it has dried I'll find some nice pictures of some masculine guys with nice hair and try styling it like that.

    Even if I see myself as a boy when I look in the mirror or think about myself, it's still kinda hard because well, like many other transguys I have a short and relatively petite figure and tiny-ass feet. It just makes me so sad. I really hate my body. I really look like a cis girl so much, and the fact that I love makeup and dressing nicely just makes me look even more like one. But I can't stop because that's a part of me too. My voice is also really high-pitched and it just makes me want to cry every time I think about it.

    So basically: Still looking like a feminine girl even after getting short hair is really invalidating for me and I hate it. Good thing I'm going to a gender therapist next week.

    I know this turned out as a random rant but yeah. Thank you again (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  4. Alder

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    No worries, I hope it works out! Have fun playing around with the hairstyles a bit. And I understand how you feel, I have a small figure and what most of society might see as quite a feminine body too. It kind of sucks sometimes but it's okay - just hold on and do the best you can. You'll get there.

    And there is nothing wrong with makeup and dressing nicely, it shouldn't invalidate you at all. Go for what you love and what makes you feel good.

    Good luck with the gender therapist too! Hope it goes well.
     
  5. paris

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    I always refuse too much blow-drying and say no to whatever styling and fixing aid they offer to use like gel, wax and hair spray because whenever they applied it on my head I ended up with my hair being shaped in a feminine style no matter how short my hair was.
     
  6. Mr Spock

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    I go to belk (mine styles men's and women's hair), get a dry cut and tell them I'm going for an androgynous look. I <3 my stylist. :slight_smile:
     
  7. AaronV

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    It might be for the fact that the haircut you got could easily be pulled of by a woman as well. Which is not your fault, I get the feeling most hairdressers are really confused if you tell them you want a male haircut and still look female, so they take the male haircut and make it more female. To be honest, that guy in the first post doesn't look overly "manly" with that type of haircut either.
    Maybe get something more "traditional" next time, it can change things completely. I got a similar haircut when I first cut my hair and I would have never passed, then I got an undercut and things looked way different.
     
    #7 AaronV, Jan 31, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2016
  8. misplacedaegyo

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    The thing is that I want an androgynous haircut, and I wish I would be able to pass just like that, but I know I won't. I just feel like getting a traditionally masculine haircut wouldn't suit my personality and style, as I am a very feminine (ugh I kinda hate using a word like that to describe myself, because it really sounds "female"..) person, and I will be regardless. I just wish my body and face could look more boyish so I could pull a hairstyle like that off without looking like a girl.

    But thanks for writing! All keep the undercut in mind, and next time I'll make sure that she thinks "androgynous male haircut" and not "short female haircut"