Since I first started questioning my gender identity last year, I have been through several different labels/identities for myself, but every time I think I have the answer, I begin to doubt myself. I know that this is something normal, but it is also something that bothers me a lot in particular because I am a person who needs some type of label for themself, or a definite answer to a question such as this. I am also not very capable of making decisions on my own, I always seem to need some type of advisor for help whether that be a friend or someone closer such a partner or trusted family member. But I never seem to get far. I was raised really not knowing how to be anything else aside from a girl. If I ever expressed interest in anything typically masculine, I would get scolded by my mom and teased at school. So oftentimes, I would repress who I really wanted to be just so people would like and accept me. I don't exactly remember having any strong feelings of being male with my actual identity or wanting to be male, as far as I know - but perhaps the thoughts were just kind of hidden. However, if I ever hung out with my dad or any other males in my family such as my closest cousins, I would always try to fit in with them. I would make myself act more masculine and I would dress more so as well. And a lot of the times, I would feel like a true boy inside and out ( like it came natural to me ), but this was more before I was ever introduced to the idea of being a certain gender just because of what is between your legs. More recently, I have developed dysphoria towards my chest and also my face shape. This top dysphoria is normally mild or moderate unless I am triggered by something that relates to my dysphoria. I rarely experience any bottom dysphoria, and if I did consider transition, hormones and top surgery would probably make me comfortable enough. And that's the thing: I want to transition from female to male. I want to get on the hormones, and I want to get surgery to make my chest flat and masculine. The only thing that doesn't really match that is how I inwardly identify - transitioning, for me at least, is more about expression than identity most of the time. With my identity, I find that it switches. Sometimes I feel 100% male, and other times I feel more feminine, but never do I 100% identify with my birth gender. And other times I just really wish I didn't have to have a gender at all. Then there are the days where I feel I am out of the binary, or a mix of two genders. It really just depends. I just really need some advice and maybe some help in figuring out an identity for myself, because when people ask, I often have nothing to say. Because my outward appearance is mostly masculine, but my actual inner identity is mixed... :help:
I can't tell you what you are, you have to figure that out for yourself, but you sound like a bigender or genderfluid individual, and in some cases, bigender or genderfluid people do require transitioning as they more identify with one than the other. In your case you'd more identify as male perhaps. And of course you don't have to label yourself, but I understand that for some people, having a label means knowing who and what you are as that's the kind of person I am myself. I need words and descriptions. Of course you could also just be genderless, or switch through all these which would still make you genderfluid. However, the question is, why do you feel so uncertain and conflicted? Are you just having a difficult time pinpointing your thoughts and feelings, or do you feel like you're pressured to meet your birth assigned sex expectations? You mentioned you used to be scolded and teased for going outside the binary when you were younger, these events could have built like a barrier. Or when you decide this (enter label) is who you are, you begin to freak out and get scared of the changes you desire or that could come with it if you choose to act on it such as transitioning. So you're mind flips a switches and backs off. There's a whole list of questions you can ask yourself to help figure out yourself. I usually go to questions like: What makes me feel manly? What makes me feel girly? When I feel manly do I feel good about myself/comfortable? When I feel girly, do I feel good about myself/comfortable? Do I think I'm more beautiful as a male or a female? What kind of dysphoria do I have and when do I experience them or what triggers them (list specific examples on this one)? Do I think I'm just a tomboy? More than a tomboy? I'm not sure if this helps, but in my case, I sometimes still doubt my identity and I identify as a guy, however, I'm nearly a 100% certain I'm a guy. I've never felt particularly feminine in any way, physically, emotionally, or mentally, but it took my some time to accept that. When I think of myself as a girl, I feel unhappy and ugly and disgusting. When I think of myself as a man, I feel optimistic, strong, happy, handsome. Like I've been cleansed of filth I'd been covered in for 17 years without bathing. I didn't come to grips with my identity completely until I began experimenting with clothes and cutting my hair shorter; when I did this, I knew. Perhaps you should make some changes and give it a whirl to see what makes you feel most comfortable and why it makes you feel comfortable. Don't forget that you don't have to rush this. Take your time, take breathers, do what comes naturally, try not to fret too much. You're gonna fret, but try not to linger on that all the time. It's absolutely tortuous and not worth it.
It sounds to me as if your'e a people pleaser. Since your'e 15 and stuck for a little longer, it may be hard to be yourself, but try. Do some self reflection, putting aside all your self-judgement and anxiety, and just think about you and your future and what will make you happy. And remember that fluctuating feelings are okay too. You can be whatever you want to be. Good luck!
I have a question--what is it like when you feel 100% male? Can you think of what makes you feel that way?
