I hope this question is acceptable here. I am hoping to become a parent during the next year or so (struggling with infertility for 3.5 years and starting treatments later this month), and I have a sibling who identifies as agender/non-binary. I have been familiar with transgender and gender-queer but learning about agender has opened my eyes to this whole beautiful world with even fewer restrictions on identity. In my "quest" to become a parent which has been my heart's greatest desire since age 3, I am now struggling with my yearning to raise my child(ren) in the healthiest way possible. My husband and I have already firmly decided that our nursery colors and baby gear are going to be "gender-neutral" colors, and the language we use will strictly discourage the idea that there are "girl colors/boy colors" or "girl toys/boy toys", etc. There are just "colors" and just "toys" and you can like and wear and play with whatever you want. Am I overthinking it when I wonder if it's acceptable to refer to my child by the pronouns indicated by their sex at birth until/unless they begin indicating that they wish to identify differently? I know that it's socially acceptable but would it be harmful or is it okay to "assume" that a person with, say, female body parts will identify as female unless 'she' begins to indicate otherwise as she grows up? Since some of you have certainly had to come out and go through transitions both socially and physically, I'm really hoping that you can help me out using your own experience and whether you wish that gender-reference had been completely neutral until you stated how you identify, or if it's forgivable that you were called "he" or "she" up until you came out. What are your thoughts? Also, if any of this doesn't make sense please let me know so that I can clarify. I'm new at articulating these thoughts, so I'm not 100% sure they are coming across cohesively. Thank you!!
Hello, I'm non-binary and I would call my child by their sex pronoun unless they started showing signs of distress towards when I called them e.g. ''he'' and ask why/what they'd like to be called. If you don't think there are ''girl colours'' or ''boy colours'' - then why are you going for ''gender-neutral'' coloring? Surly if there's no ''girl or boy colours'' then all colours are ''neutral''. [sorry if this is written in a hostile manner, I'm asking politely] Advice? If your child wants to wear clothing traditional to the opposite gender, then let them wear it, regardless if anyone's laughing at them. If someone laughs at them, it isn't your child who needs to change, it's the person whose laughing. Clothing isn't gendered either, only by social construction. Also, in their [play]room, set out the toys in preference of action e.g.putting the barbies and GI Joe together, rather then gendered construction.
Thank you so much for your response! I don't take any offense; I appreciate your tactful straightforward approach. I totally understand your points about coloring and clothing - I know it's a social construct and that's really what I'm referring to when I call the colors "gender-neutral" - what I mean is that if I find out I'm having a girl, I'm not going to buy everything pink and frilly and what society currently says is appropriate just because her sex is female. I feel that would be counterproductive to my point. I'm leaning toward decorating with colors that society doesn't specifically assign to a gender (I favor a monochromatic scheme) and I plan to have a good mix of colors and styles in the wardrobe and toys, as well as playroom construction not being gendered, etc. I'm also stocking the nursery bookshelves with some child-appropriate books about different "colors"(not literally) of families and people, books like "Red: A Crayon's Story" which is about a blue crayon in a red label who has to go through a process of accepting its true self. As well as a book about a child with two moms who was conceived with a donor. I want every (non-dangerous) type of person to be normalized to my children - a humanist approach embracing diversity - so there is no hesitation when they see, outwardly or inwardly, something society would say is "different". We're lovely in our individuality but we are all human and prejudices due to our differences are not okay. Edit: I would also like to add that I'm not specifically avoiding pink or other society-defined-gender-specific colors in general. They will certainly be included along with every other color in clothing, household materials, toys, etc.
Wow! I applaud your initiative I wish more parents thought this way. This kind of made my day I think you are doing a good job but I would advice you to not go overboard! One significant aspect is that she would probably get gendered gifts after she is born. Specially if you are planning to have a baby shower. But its OK just be conscious about her distress if she faces any. One important thing is to teach her from a young age to be who she is ! It requires a lot of patience, specially to overcome peer pressure. Inculcate in her, the habit of identifying what she wants and to not suppress her desires unless it's harmful! Very often we grow up and then realise it's hard to choose what we want or what we genuinely like because we are clouded with the thought of what we should want ! That's what I think is more important! Choosing and standing for what one wants. Rest will fall in its place ! I think you are going to make a wonderful parent , she is lucky
Raise your children the way you want until they start to express their concerns or interests or personal preferences. Gender/sexuality are your original questions but nothing crushes a child more than telling them they can't follow their own heart or interests in any facet of their life in general.
It definitely makes sense to refer to your child by gendered pronouns. The vast majority of kids will grow up to identify with their assigned gender, and they are bound to be referred to with gendered pronouns when they go to school or pretty much anywhere else. Let your kid play with whatever they want, and wear whatever they want. Make sure they grow up with the knowledge that not everyone who's assumed to be a boy grows up to be a boy and not everyone who's assumed to be a girl grows up to be a girl (and that some people grow up and don't turn out to be a boy or a girl). If your kid expresses to you that they might be a different gender, listen to them. Ask them what a girl is and what a boy is, and what makes them the gender they are. Don't automatically assume that the kid you'd been calling "he" who says they want to be a girl is trans (gender identity in kids can be transient, and can also be confused with gender roles), but listen to their needs and talk things through with them. Do what you need to do to make them comfortable, and make sure they know that they can change their mind at any time. Make sure they always know that being whatever gender is an option, and also that being a certain gender but wearing the clothes or liking the toys associated with another gender is fine too (they will undoubtably learn to gender clothes and toys no matter how hard you try because it will be something they hear from other kids at school). But yeah, call them by the pronouns associated with their sex, assume that they'll probably be the gender they were assigned, but make sure their options for clothes/toys are not limited and stereotyped and that they always know you'll respect their gender if it turns out to be something different than was assumed.
I like your thinking. Boy toys/ girl toys have always annoyed me, and my sons always had dolls to play with (not barbies because I simply can't stand them lol) As for colours and clothes. Be aware that your child may want specific colours and clothes. Don't go so far in your efforts to avoid gendered clothing that you ignore your child's wish for gendered clothing. If you have a daughter give her a choice about what she wants to wear as she gets older (a three/four year old has some idea of what they want to wear) so don't dismiss all pink/frilly clothes outright. And, btw, I hate pink/frilly clothes. and be aware that most clothes for girls are pink...it's stupid but that is what is available. As for a boy, yes it's easy to say let him wear whatever he wants. Reality though is that there will be resistance to a boy wearing a dress. if he wants to wear dresses, at some point he will realise that is not what other boys wear....be careful. Because kids want to fit in. You need to find a balance somehow. While you want to keep clothes genderless, it is harder in reality. Don't set your child too far apart from others from the start. Personally I wouldn't have dresses for either sex to start with. Shorts, tshirts allow for hot weather, flowers are fine, any colour is fine. Just take it slowly, and make sure your child mixes with a lot of other children as that will help them work out who they are. Just let your child be themself...whoever that is...
One thing, and I kinda hate to say it but it's true, if you refer to your child(ren) with neutral pronouns until they decide what pronouns they prefer, it's going to mark them socially. Even if their teachers are good about it, the other kids are going to notice, ask questions, and it could (probably will) lead to bullying. :/ Obviously if your child asks or tells you to use certain pronouns you should regardless of this, but until that happens it's probably best to use the pronouns associated with their sex-as-identified-at-birth pronouns. Kids are pretty smart, so if you keep the dialogue open and just honestly talk to them about gender, then if they aren't cis or want to explore their gender identity they'll know it's safe to do so and that they'll have your support. You've got a step up since your sibling is agender, it'll be natural to talk to your kids about less common gender identities, expression, social norms, and so on. Good luck!
I think others have already said most important things I was thinking. So instead I'm giving you some real life advice from having this mindset and actually having a kid, not just planning. I'm actually encouraging you, even if this might seem negative, it's just some fair heads up. First of, your problem will probably not be your child at all but everyone around you. They will question your parenting and think you want to force your kid to be the opposite gender even if you're trying to make everything neutral and genderless, they will just focus on the things that's "intended for the opposite gender". But be stubborn. I've actually got even my 80 year old grandma to understand it's ok to buy pink, dresses, girl toys etc for my son, so she does! She still half joke around that "he's a girl today!" because he was wearing a dress but I think that's her own coping mechanism or something... Don't be sad if your child thinks toys that are typical for their assigned birth are the best ones, be happy that they found something they like instead. For toys and clothes and the mindset overall.. Don't think so much, it'll wear you out. Buy clothes that are pretty and toys you think your child will like, until they're old enough to choose themselves, then try and listen to that. I'm happy to discuss further if you feel like writing something on my wall or pm! :3
Thank you all so much for your overwhelming support, kindness, and advice! I don't take issue with anything any of you have said - it all makes perfect sense and was similar to my line of thinking. I figured that running it by people who can better relate to the actual experience of identifying with a gender different from the one assigned at birth, or no gender, would be a good move because my own experience as a cis-female does not lend itself well to understanding what you go through as you grow up, and my sibling has only just recently come out as agender so I'm honestly still learning and adjusting my lines of thinking; getting used to using neutral pronouns with them and understanding their needs in this regard. Fighter694, thank you very much for your praise and encouragement. I really want to be the best parent I can be, and I am putting a lot of effort into preparing myself for that in many ways. It means a lot to hear that in asking these questions, you feel it's a good step in that direction. Fighter and Kasey, I definitely have a huge focus on encouraging my children to be comfortable in their own skin and following their heart and interests, and not suppressing their desires unless it's genuinely harmful. I've seen the devastating results of that kind of environment on people - lost a friend in high school to suicide because of that, and seen it in other ways as well. I believe in open dialogue and that communication is a two-way street. I want my kids to know that they can always talk to me about anything and without condescension or judgment. I know they won't always come to me, but I don't want them to be afraid to for fear of my reaction. darkcomesoon, Thank you for your validation that it makes sense to call them by their gendered pronouns until/unless they express wishes otherwise. I also appreciate your advice about how to talk to them about it if they do. I will definitely remember your advice, and will even use it with my nephew who is now 9 and has been adamantly expressing that he feels he is a girl since age 4. Dark, CJliving, Riz, you all make a good point about the social aspects of gender stereotypes. I certainly don't want to set my children up for bullying or social ostracism. I'll use their assigned gender pronouns unless they express otherwise and then we will take it from there. I also plan on helping them learn healthy coping mechanisms and responses for when people don't treat them well, regardless of the reason. I want them to grow up self-confident and able to stay true to themselves regardless of how the world receives it, as long as their interest is nothing dangerous. Inamirrordarkly, boy/girl toys and colors always bothered me, even as a kid. I never understood why pink was a "girl" color and have always LOVED it whenever I see a guy wearing pink. You're right, there would be a little resistance to a boy wanting to wear a dress but I find it really inspiring when I see things like the photo that has circulated on social media of the dad wearing a princess dress to the movies with his son who is also in a princess dress. My sibling said to me the other day, "don't be mad if you have a boy and I put him in a dress now and then." It bothered me, but not because of the idea of a boy in a dress...it bothered me because the intention would be to force it on him. I know the motive is to normalize it so it doesn't seem like a big deal but I would prefer to wait until he expressed interest in wearing a dress and then tell him that's fine. And I am (idealistically) hoping that by the time my kids are old enough to be concerned about fitting in, society will have grown even more to where it's more "mainstream" anyway. I digress haha. I'm totally fine with my kids gravitating toward things and colors that happen to align with the stereotype for their gender, as long as it's their genuine interest and not due to social pressure to the point of denying their true interests. My goal is not to restrict things to neutral-only but for my kids to feel like anything they want is acceptable regardless of their gender and what society says about it, and to be comfortable with that. If I have a boy and he loves pink, I don't want him to think anything of it and if/when he encounters comments about pink being a girl color, I want to help him cope with that and continue liking it. CJliving, you're absolutely right. Kids are pretty smart and I do have an advantage with this conversation that my sibling is agender so it will be a more natural conversation. I'm grateful for that. Thank you so much for the good luck wishes!! Riz, thank you very much for your real-life advice! I don't take it as negative at all - I actually found it reassuring and encouraging. My mother-in-law already questions her other son and his wife on their parenting just because they feed their kids expensive hormone-free ultra-filtered milk and won't feed them kitchen scraps so I know I'm going to get flack from her about everything. Including our choice to homeschool. Thankfully she currently lives 1000 miles away so we don't have her breathing down our necks. And frankly I'm already at the point with her where I don't care what she thinks about my decisions - she doesn't approve of anything anyone does. We'll see about everyone else. I have confidence that I am doing what I feel is best for my kids and that's 100% my priority. I may talk with you a bit more about how you personally cope with getting that negative feedback though - it must hurt and be frustrating, and I could see it making me second-guess myself for minute sometimes. Again, thank you all for your openness and honesty with your advice. You're all amazing and I'm so glad I posted here. Please let me know if there's any way I can return the favor of your efforts to help me.
