So over the past few months I've started to question my gender identity. For the vast majority of my life, I admit that I've been completely fine with identifying as a cisgender female even though I don't always conform to all of the gender expectations associated with that (but really, who does?) But as I've met non-binary people in real life, I felt compelled to explore this aspect of my identity that I've been ignoring for so long. There was a point where I thought I might be genderflux, as I believed my female-ness waxed and waned in intensity (which is pretty much the definition of the term for those who aren't familiar with "tumblr genders"), but as of very very recently, I've noticed that I've experienced other gendered feelings outside the female spectrum. These feelings are often influenced by what I wear or certain activities. For instance, when I am dressed in a more masculine way, I feel strong, but also vulnerable (since I feel like I'm relinquishing the perks of socialized sympathy and helpfulness towards cis women). When I present in a hyper-feminine way (or as hyper-feminine as I can stand to be), it feels like I just drank a lot of champagne-- giddy and exciting, but fully aware that the feeling can't last until the metaphorical morning. My "default" is femme-androgynous, although I think I want to try to present in a more masculine way. So, because I feel these range of gendered emotions, I think I might be genderfluid. What's stopping me from identifying as such is that I am more often in control of which gender I feel like rather than feeling a certain gender and being compelled to present as such, and relatively little dysphoria. I have no body dysphoria and very, very little social dysphoria-- really, I'm only upset that I'm not "mistaken" for a guy more often. I have no desire to change my name or pronouns (although I accidentally referred to myself as my father's son the other day and it didn't feel wrong at all). Sorry for writing so much..! I guess my question is, after all that hootenanny, is if y'all think I might actually fall under the genderqueer umbrella or if I'm just a cis girl making a mountain out of a molehill.
What you're describing is perfectly normal. Infact, very few cis girls don't feel masculine in some way or another. That doesn't mean your trans.
Clothes influence our perception of ourselves and it is natural to have different personalities when we wear different clothes. You can choose to identify as genderfluid but it will most likely be nothing more than an identity, in the same way that a person can identify as a doctor. It will be based on behavioral patterns instead of a deep seeded internal knowledge that your birth gender is wrong. If that is the case, any attempt to medically transition will end really badly because of how integral our internal sense of gender is for our well being and you might even suffer from some gender dysphoria which is not something you should ever want to truly experience. However, only you can really know what you feel inside and if you feel more comfortable identifying as genderfluid, you can always try it out and see if it works for you. Keep in mind, that from what you wrote, you already seem to be identifying as genderfluid which is why you want to be addressed using male pronouns. Typically that only happens after people adopt an identity. Going back to the doctor example, only once a person starts seeing themselves as a doctor do they want others to address them as such. In other words, what you are feeling now is simply a byproduct of adopting the identity of genderfluid. You should probably ask yourself whether or not your life makes more sense to you right now and you feel a sense of stability as a result of adopting the identity or are you feeling a sense of insecurity about your femininity and have an internal sense of unease. (This heavily depends on how secure you were, in the first place, about your femininity... the more secure that you feel, the larger freedom that you have for adopting identities that go against your views of what it means to be female.) If you feel any sense of unease, it might be a good idea for you to stop identifying as genderfluid as it might hurt you in the future. (*hug*) Eveline
baconpox, you're right, I don't see myself ever identifying as trans, per se, since I am pretty gosh dang comfortable with having a female body and (for the most part) being viewed as a female. However, I'm still not sure if I'm entirely inside the binary, especially as I'm embracing parts of myself from the "opposite" gender. I guess I'm having difficulty drawing the line between being genderqueer and just being a not super girly girl. Eveline, I have never considered medically transitioning and don't think I ever will. As I said, I've never had any body dysphoria that I can point my finger at and even if I develop some, I think my body is androgynous for me to figure something out. But from how I'm understanding what you're saying, your doctor example really resonates with how I feel right now. As I am becoming more open to the possibility that my identity might fall under the genderqueer umbrella, I am noticing more and more things about myself that don't necessarily line up with a cis female identity. Honestly, I can't tell if I'm feeling more stable with a genderfluid identity than I did with any other (as I really only just considered that might be a possibility a couple of days ago). Do you (or anyone else reading this) have any ideas of how I can try genderfluid out without letting the whole world know I might not be cis? Thank you for your thoughtful response!
Just to be clear, you don't have to have a phd in medicine to identify as a doctor, a person chooses to do so for various reasons, some might like how it sounds, others might enjoy the respect given to them when others address them as doctor or it might give them confidence. There are certain schematic views that are associated with the term doctor and when someone chooses to identify as doctor they do so for specific reasons, either as a way to stabilize their sense of self and become more confident with who they are or/and because they want others to treat them in certain ways. At the moment, you seem to be identifying as genderfluid because it internally takes away some inhibitions that are limiting your gender expression. It is pretty much exactly the same as identifying as butch or a tomboy. With this in mind, you are already trying on the label and seeing if it feels right to you. What you feel now is most likely all there really is to it and outside of coming out as genderfluid to others, you are very limited in what you can take out of identifying as genderfluid as the label itself is not widely known and the label is associated with being trans which complicates matters and might put you at risk of prejudice. Coming out holds quite a few risks because gender is not only an identity but something that is closer to being a reflection of your soul; who you are as a person and your sense of being. Many people might feel a very real sense of loss when you come out to them as if they are losing a part of themselves because of how important gender is in our lives. For those who suffer from gender dysphoria, their internal sense of gender is incompatible with their body, this is a very serious problem and has nothing to do with identity. I've written quite a few comprehensive posts recently about how it feels, so maybe look back at my recent history of posts which will help you understand what being trans can feel like.
Eveline, I looked at a lot of your old posts, and they certainly gave me quite a bit to think about. With more context, genderfluid seems wrong, since I don't feel dysphoria if people take me for being a cis woman (although I do wish I was taken for a boy more often than I am, and I'm not sure what to think about that still). I won't feel confident/comfortable identifying as cis until I've explored every possible label (particularly the nonbinary ones) because that's just the kind of person I am; the Pandora's box of gender identity has been opened for me, and I can't shut it until I've investigated all of its contents. But you've been a big help in helping me figure out my gender, and what gender is in general, and I can't thank you enough for that
