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Transgender? [Mature]

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Vinyl, Feb 6, 2016.

  1. Vinyl

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    So, here's the thing. For the past, say, six or so years of my life, I've identified as a Pansexual/Homoromantic Cis-female. I came out to nearly everyone besides my family after dating my current girlfriend for a while, and even though I was grateful that they were all fine with it, it always felt like I was only telling them half of the story. No matter what, I never seemed content with myself, or my life. I new I wasn't straight, and coming out to the people I'm closest too felt amazing, but as time went by, everything just felt... Off.

    Now here I am, six years later, still wondering what I'm doing wrong. Quite a few months ago, I started doing some major research into what I was feeling, and I started seeing more and more information about being transgender. At first I put put it off - I was interested in learning more, but just as a way to be more educated on the subject, since I was never taught anything besides social "norms" by anyone, and even mentioning anything otherwise in my town would simply get you snotty comments or spiteful glares. But every single time I thought I was hitting a dead end, I just kept coming back to the trans community. I started with articles and blogs, and then started watching videos and listening to transition stories. The more I learned, the more I felt like I was reading and watching things about myself.

    As childish as it may sound, it felt like Christmas when I bought myself men's swimwear and boxers. I was always into things "boyish" things as a kid, and have always presented myself very masculine-ly, wearing men's clothes, jewelry (watches/necklaces and such) and shoes. None of that ever made me think of being trans though, since plenty of women can just be masculine, so I started trying to see how I really thought about things like sex and my future. If someone were to ask me to think of myself having sex, I would always imagine myself as a man, penis and all. I've fantasized about having a male physique, being called he/him, and some day even being called "dad". I remember the first time my grandfather called me "his boy". He was joking, referring to me always being the one to help him with yard and house work and follow him around practically wagging my non-existent tail when I got to follow him around his auto shop, haha, but it meant more to me than he could ever imagine.

    I just... Want to do things right. I want to put what other people expect aside for once and be who I want to be. Who I need to be, but I want to get it right. And I know that no one but myself can really tell me what or who I am, but I've never had any advice of the subject, I've just kind of been flailing around by myself in unfamiliar water, hoping I don't drown.

    /Rant over/
     
  2. DRex

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    Exactly how I feel, from the opposite direction but still. I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot of advice; I'm basically in the same position you are; only you can say who you are, but what if you can't? Where do you go then?

    I might suggest seeing a gender therapist; I've heard they can help you put things in better perspective. Also, maybe see if there's an LGBT group in your area; you could go to their events as a boy, get a chance to interact with people that way and see how it feels.
     
  3. Matto_Corvo

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    He
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    Gay
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    Out to everyone
    I don't have much advice, but I see you are from South Carolina too and I wanted to say hi.

    Now, don't feel like you are drowning. I mean, I get the feeling, I felt that way at first as well. But take a deep breath and try to relax. There is no wrong way to be transgender, we all have our different stories and way of knowing.
    The most common way to know for sure is if you experience dysphoria.
    -Are you uncomfortable with having a female body?
    -How does having chesticles (breast) make you feel?
    -How does the bottom half make you feel?
    -Are you uncomfortable being seen as female or treated in a feminine way?

    I know you said that when you imagine yourself having sex you usually imagine yourself as guy, and even wanted a male physique. These can all be signs of dysphoria. I know for me I can't see a female when I look in the mirror. I see a guy no matter what. I have times where I'm certain I have some nice s***** on my face and have a face that looks male.

    This will be hard but try to put what everyone expects you to be out of your mind. Be you. Be who you want to be. Do what makes you happy. Think about your future and how you wish to be seen in the future. If you have to live your whole life as a girl would you be happy? Really happy? Now think about your future as a guy, how does that make you feel? Do you get that giddy feeling in your chest at the thought of being a male? Do you feel a sense of longing for it?
     
    #3 Matto_Corvo, Feb 6, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2016
  4. Vinyl

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    @DerpasaurusRex

    I've actually thought about seeing a therapist, and I know I've been pretty slack about getting serious about it, but I do think it would be a good idea. It'll all come down to my financial situation in the end, so I'll have to see how much, if any, my insurance covers, since there's no way I can afford it on my own with the money I make on top of bills~

    I never thought about dressing as a guy to an event, which might be a nice change. We only have one event-planning LGBT group near here that I can think of, and It'll be hard for me to pass, but no harm in trying~

    @CadutiMorte

    Hi to you too, I don't see many people around here from SC. ^^

    My breasts definitely make me uncomfortable, and I've considered getting a binder to see how I like it, I just have to find one I like. As far as the bottom half goes, I don't think I mind near as much. I would love to have male parts, but I've been reading a lot about bottom surgery and it's still so new and risky that I don't know if that's a comfortable choice in my future, or at least near future. (I did just order a FreeToM prosthetic for myself, which I'm overly excited about, but that'll be another month or so before it comes in.)

    I don't really like being treated like a female, but it's tolerable. Every now and then I've actually corrected people to "man/male/he/etc" even before I was even thinking about possibly being trans, and I guess I told myself it was just a joke about how I feel, and I did it to friends who were awesome and went along with it, but it was just friendly teasing until recently for me.

    I do see a man when I look at myself. It's hard to see sometimes when all I see is 100% female on the outside and get practically... Disgusted, I guess would be the best word for it, but it's there, and I'm willing to admit that I know that much. I'm just so caught up in what my family wants - especially my loving, but "old ways" grandparents who practically raised me. They mean the world and over to me, and I want to be happy, but I don't want to hurt them either.
     
  5. oh my god I

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    Hmm.. here's a way to think about it.... is being a male one of the most important things in your life? What is more and less important to you than living as male?
     
  6. BriSoft

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    I also think the therapy route is a good one if you can find someone that you can be totally honest with. Also, passing is important for some people, but definitely not required. As an older girl who is just making her transition I am trying to be realistic about my chances and still being happy. So my thought is go to the group meeting and see if you can make some friends that might be able to direct you to the resources you need?
     
  7. Vinyl

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    @oh my god I
    It's definitely important to me. The only thing more important would be my family - And for the longest time I figured I'd wind up being the way they saw me, marrying a man, and having a traditional family, and as much as I'm still willing to do that to make them happy, I know I'd be miserable.

    @BriSoft
    I've considered talking about it to my girlfriend, along with the coworker I'm closest to, but every time there's a chance I just push it off. I'm sure the gf has caught on by now - She hints at it every now and then, and I can tell she's trying to understand without asking (And it's not that I'm even trying to hide it from her, because I know she'd support me, it's more that I want to figure it out myself before I can explain anything to her without confusing her~). So I definitely want to try therapy if cost allows it, plus maybe go to support group(s), I just need to find some in my area that actually has what I'm looking for. ^^
     
  8. oh my god I

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    Then it sounds like you need to get some breathing room from your family to figure it out. Loving your family is good, but a family is ideally supposed to support you in being you, not prevent you from it, and becoming an adult is about differentiating yourself from your parents' way of thinking and living even jn the unfortunate case that they don't support your choices.

    I struggled a lot with my family vs. my own priorities as well and in my experience, it was impossible to understand myself until I got some space.

    Hang in there... Hope you figure it out. :slight_smile: