Gender Fluid... It's scary... (I have no clue where to put this)

I'm also gender fluid, and new-ish to it in the same way you are, and it can be incredibly uncomfortable. Especially when you have to standby as your gender shifts into territory you're not societally or physically allowed to follow. And the thing is, trying to talk to the single-gendered people we love generally gets negative responses amounting to "well why don't you just pick a gender and stick to it?" so there are so few places to vent and get support.

Being part of a rare group seems to typical people like something you might do for attention, but they wouldn't say that anymore if they knew how lonely it gets when you can't be anything else.

 

Hey guys! No, I'm not genderfluid, but I am bigender to an extent (trans male and third gender and maybe something else) and can understand where you're saying this is severely distressing you. It's called dysphoria though. You were close.

Just because something doesn't fit into the majority doesn't mean it's not normal. There are way more straight people than queer but being queer is normal. Different and unique gender identities are totally normal as well. It's merely strange and offsetting when you seemingly have the entire world against you, including the ones who love and support you but just don't understand.

I would definitely bring this up to your therapist. If they don't know much about this or can't offer you the help you need, they'll probably, or at least hopefully, can give you some guidance to the right professionals for your situation.

While I do not identify as genderfluid, I do experience some of your dysphoria as well. Having gone through various stages of depression and anxiety, I won't bind with aces bandages or doubling up on sports bras despite how much I want to because I'd see that as self-abuse for me because of where I've been previously, and I know what you're doing is dangerous, but so is having panic attacks and depression. I'm not condoning your actions, but I'm not judging you, however, do recommend you find methods of learning to cope with your dysphoria in a safer way. Wear the binder and if that isn't flat enough for you, wear slightly baggier clothes so it conceals the leftover roundness of your breasts.

Now going back to dysphoria, there are several forms of it and they all come in varying degrees with all sorts of triggers such as gender segregation. It's normal to feel uneasy and out of place when you're with the girls, however, is this all the time or just when you feel masculine? Maybe it's the way I'm interpreting this, but you sound like you feel more masculine most of the time even though you switch between them. Don't mistake me, I'm not trying to say you're a trans guy, I'm just saying there are some genderfluid individuals who still wish to medically transition later on because their body doesn't match how they think they should feel or look, but it doesn't make them any less genderfluid.

Now for your breakdowns and panic attacks, you should definitely talk to your therapist about this. It could be caused by your dysphoria or your anxiety, or both, but you need a professional opinion nonetheless. This is very critical and should not be left alone. A panic attack can be deadly if it gets too bad. Some people can even pass out because they start breathing too hard and don't receive enough oxygen. I do suggest learning coping skills such as listening to calming ambient music, writing or typing everything you're feeling, drawing even if it's just circles, or even cleaning or reading. Sometimes the simplest things can get your through the hardest situations.

I know it's not easy to deal with any of this, having to deal with the stress of being classified as something you aren't by others because they don't understand or know, and the fear of telling your mom, among many other things; I do share your pain, but you should consider why you don't want to tell your mom. Is she homophobic? You didn't mention that so I don't know where you stand with your mom. If you can't tell her because of your safety, then of course don't, but if your therapist can't give you the guidance you need, you will need to learn to cope with this until you're old enough to go to a gender or LGBT specialist without the fear of your mom. EC is a great way to cope I'm finding. I get on here every time I'm feeling upset or down, and it really helps. I see you're new so welcome and hope your experience will be just as beneficial.

I'd also like to end on saying that you are just perfect the way you are. You are normal. At least as normal as anyone could ever get since nobody is actually normal. Sure you might have to make altercations to deal with your dysphoria, but you should always love yourself and your body. It can be an overwhelming journey, but every journey has it's peaks and falls. You just have to learn when to keep forging on and when to let yourself rest, so you can get beyond that giant mountain standing in your way. But you will get beyond it. You are great, you are beautiful, and you are very capable.

 

What you're going through sounds pretty normal. I had an instance last week where I had to run a boring errand but had to change and all I had were the most masculine clothes so I threw them on and during the errand I was stood there thinking that I couldn't wait to get back into a cami and a girl's top and at least pair of jeans. I thought I would have a panic attack right there (i've had only a few in my life and they are very scary, like I'm about to die) but I was ok and I got home quickly.

EC is a good coping mechanism, it really is, but nothing beats being around others like you IRL.