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Passing

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by H20, Feb 7, 2016.

  1. H20

    H20
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    I was just wondering what other people did to pass, both men and women, in public, or to at least try to pass more often.

    I know for trans men we usually use binders and wear looser clothes if we can't afford binders or if binders can't decrease the chesticles enough. But is there anything else you do, physically and behaviorally?
     
  2. Daydreamer1

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    I don't like using the term "passing" because it implies you're trying to be someone you aren't, and there's a specific set of things you need to do in order to be seen as a "real man" or a "real woman", which isn't true.

    The only thing I can really suggest is to do you, be true to yourself, and live authentically. If being "traditionally masculine" makes you happy, then do that. If being "traditionally feminine" floats your boat, rock that shit. If you feel like you're somewhere in between or your definition of what it means to be "masculine" or "feminine" is different from the status quo, then go for it. The only thing you shouldn't do is police gender roles or perpetuate the "not trans enough" crap people are trying to fight.

    Sorry if that sounded pretentious.
     
  3. thepandaboss

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    Have to agree with a lot of Dreamer's points. That being said, what helped me was watching and paying attention to how other guys act. Since we're not socialized as men, we often don't know how men are expected to act. It's unfortunate that we really have to care but since being perceived and recognized as male is very, very important to me, I want to try to help that along. I mean, this is pretty broad though because all guys are different and it's impossible to really "act like a guy".
     
  4. H20

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    I know some people don't like the term passing and I do understand people's point, and if I offended you I apologize, but I couldn't find the right words to replace it. Myself I don't find things as offensive as I probably should but I think part of that comes from being relatively new to the community. I wasn't trying to imply you to have to do or act like something to be a "real man/woman". I know someone can be more traditionally feminine in behavior but still be a male and vice versa. Besides, I don't believe in gender roles.

    Admittedly I probably worded the question wrong. I was wondering what other transgender people do/did in order to influence others to perceive them as who they identify as, or what you do/did to help yourself feel more like or become the man or woman you felt yourself to be? The reason why I ask this is because others' perception of us is typically hugely important, but I'm also just merely curious as to how others have transitioned.

    So I was wondering what others do/did or changed behaviorally or physically so you could feel more like yourself?
     
  5. eden

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    I used to shave my legs and arms as a teen and started doing it again. Baby steps.
     
  6. AaronV

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    I pretty much just got a haircut and exclusively started wearing things from the "men's" section. To be honest I never had much of a problem with passing. Sure, I got misgendered, but most of the time because of things I couldn't change until I started T. My face or voice for example.
     
  7. oh my god I

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    Yes, just be yourself. Don't worry too much about passing if possible, because it's toxic, and any behaviors you change or take on in order to pass will probably always feel fake. Worrying about if you do or don't pass is called "self-monitoring" and it is psychologically destructive. Also a lot of it can create awkward behaviors that draw more and more probing attention to you.

    If passing is important to you though, the best thing you can do to pass is dress and act like a typical member of your identified gender. All cis people have to form some kind of inner relationship to gender roles, so it is your choice to do the same and identify with them to the extent that it feels right and good to you.
     
  8. Michael

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    I agree with this, 'passing' is not a precise enough term. At times I suspect it is a cis (clueless cis) made term, perhaps even transphobic at some level. I used it for a while in the beginning, but I can't use anymore for the reasons Dreamer stated.

    What did I do? It was more what I quit doing : Quit wearing drag or try to cross legs, or try to sound soft, or pretend I don't care, when I do, or lose a lot of time and energy trying to correct my wrong ways of walking, talking or even thinking. It's me, so be it like it is.

    Others will react like their prejudices order them to, and I'm not changing my ways even if that means I get a 'sir'. I want to be me, and show the real me, even before I get my T. I just try to deal with it, and keep in mind I can't change how others will react to my physical appearance. That is beyond my control, at least for now, while I wait.
     
  9. eden

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    Focus on your eyebrows if you're trying to appear more feminine or masculine. They often get overlooked.
     
    #9 eden, Feb 8, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2016
  10. Kasey

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    Let me just throw this in the mix.

    Passing and beauty are not the same thing. Even I have a hard time reconciling that.

    That being said.

    The most important to male or female trans people is confidence and "owning it". Yes proper attire and feminizing / masculinizing things help of course, but if you act like you're unsure of yourself then others will notice that.
     
  11. pinkclare

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    The best thing I did was focus on dressing and behaving exactly as felt natural and good to me. Once I ditched everything that was unnaturally forced upon me by growing up as a perceived female (admittedly, not much), everything that was left was male. After all, I am male, so how could anything that felt natural be anything else?

    Other than that, I think medical transition is really the only answer.
     
  12. Lazuri

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    Posture and walking style does a lot.
     
  13. Rachyl

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    I guess for me "passing" was something that I tried for a long while. I tried to dress, walk, talk, do all the things that I "thought" would help me "pass". Then slowly over time I started to really see myself for the woman I am, and not what society seemed to want me to be. After that I became more comfortable in my own skin. Not to say that I don't spend almost an hour doing my makeup, lol. But that's part and parcel to who I choose to present to the world. It took me a long time to get to this head space wherein I'm comfortable, but it is doable.
     
  14. DreamerBoy17

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    Not cross dressing helped. I got my haircut, too.
    A lot of others have talked about passing being toxic, and I think I'm starting to notice that. Like I spent a half hour today obsessing whether or not layering my shirts would look "too feminine". What does that even mean? I think that it's frustrating as trans people we feel that we have to conform to gender stereotypes in order to be seen by the cis majority as the gender we identify as.
    I'm typing this in my cupcake footsie pajamas. I'm a feminine guy, and that's ok.
     
  15. Mr Spock

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    I believe in a video somewhere I saw a ftm call it "blending" instead of passing.

    I mostly try to just please myself, and so far I haven't really gone wrong because of the extent to which I LOVE masculine-related things. I just work with what I have and try to not call attention to what I don't have or don't need to have. For example, I have broad shoulders and small breasts, so button-ups work great for me as long as I can tuck them in (the bottom buttons won't button due to my hips.). But I know that at 5'4" shorts don't do anything to make me look as tall as I'd like, so I don't wear them as much. But ir doesn't mean I never wear them, I just work on making my outfits reflect my own take on masculine fashion. And I like it. :slight_smile:
     
  16. H20

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    Hey lovely people. Thanks for all the replies and again I want to apologize about the term passing. I know some people are neutral and some people are offended by the term, and I do understand your points, but again, couldn't up with another word. As Mr Spock mentioned blending I can revert to that for the future or just come up with something else somehow.

    Anyways...

    Okay, so I'm not sure where to begin on this and I might start ranting. Anyway, I am trying to be myself and I'm not trying to act like anyone else or replicate another person. My issue is I've always dealt with anxieties and depression, and I don't really know who I am I guess. Realizing I'm transgender has given me a broad idea of who I am, but at the same time, I'm still searching. So I'm pursuing the idea of fitting into my identified gender because I think this is where I can discover all of who I am, if that makes sense.

    Being perceived as a guy is hugely important to me because as each day goes by, my dysphoria just seems to get worse and some days I can handle it like a brave little soldier. Other days it's like the dumbest things cut too deep to bear - I just went through this the last two days.

    My issue is I do dress comfortably in what society deems men's clothes. I buy stereotypical masculine clothes because I've just always been drawn to them compared to "feminine" clothes. I cut my hair. I wear loose or layered clothes, and am finding new makeshift ways to bind since I can't afford a binder right now. And I am a bigger, sort of broad person, and I still get ma'amed or she'ed all the time.

    This is massively disheartening because I literally don't see anything feminine about me, yet I still get misgendered and I can't understand why. I try not to let this bother me and sometimes I succeed, but other times I can't get over it. "Passing" - can anyone else think of another word? - and dysphoria go hand in hand for me I guess because I start getting distressed over my body when something goes wrong socially, and I start doubting.

    I suppose that's why I'm curious to hear from all of you about your experiences and what you've done. And some of it helped and I appreciate your advice and stories.
     
  17. AaronV

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    Being misgendered sucks, I've been there. I've had other people telling me I look masculine and have nothing feminine about me and then I went outside and got misgendered. I could never understand how I could "pass" one time and get misgendered two minutes later.
    The problem probably lies in the small things. A round face, hips, feminine voice, whatever. These are all things that will change when you start T.
    In the meantime, try not to think about it too much. I used to analyse everything when I got misgendered. "If only I had done this and that, then I would have passed." It's not your fault though. I used to stare at the mirror for hours changing outfits until I got so worked up about it that I lost all excitement of going out in the first place.
    The important thing is that you know who you are, that's what counts. Honestly, who cares if that cashier doesn't see that you are a guy. You know the truth and one day everyone else will see as well.
     
  18. Kasey

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    By the way cisgender people can and do get misgendered sometimes (although not as much as us).
     
  19. looking for me

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    i got misgendered a couple of times back before i knew myself, and trust me i dont look femine at all.:icon_sad:
     
  20. Mr Spock

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    Usually if you have the basics of "passing" covered, then something small is what is giving you away. I know for me it's my voice, especially when I get excited, and my mannerisms. I just don't get worked up about it because I pass to strangers about 50% of the time, and when I don't no one makes a big deal about it. :confused:

    Practice makes perfect though, and I'm sure that after one goes on T and is stealth or "living the lifestyle" for a few years it gets easier.