I've been stuck in one place for months now. I can't come out to anyone, and I can't begin transitioning. I've kept fighting to hold it all together, but I'm exhausted now. I sometimes wonder if everything would be easier if I just pretended to be cis. That way there wouldn't be so much tension between me and my parents, and I wouldn't have to worry about coming out and facing severe backlash. If I don't get into grad school this fall, I'll probably be stuck here for much longer. I don't know what I'd do then. I know what I ought to do. I ought to stay strong. But sometimes it hurts so much that I want to give up and walk away.
Hey Florestan, I know that this must cause you a lot of pain, but I don't think you should give up on yourself. I think pretending to be cis would be harder, if not more harmful to you in the long run. I know you can get through this (and yes try to stay strong)(*hug*)
Florestan, As someone much older than you who is just starting transition I can say that pretending to be cis will slowly grind away at you over time. I can't imagine how hard it is in your spot, but if you can please try and be true to yourself. You will be happy that you had the years to live as your true self some day. *hugs* Bri
Hey, I can definitely understand how you feel. What I can say is no matter how stuck you feel right now and how long you think you will be stuck, that at least from all I have seen it is worth it (and you are strong enough) to stick it through, even through all the challenges and tough times, and live as you are. And no matter how frozen and endless everything seems, things do change. I get that it's hard though, and that there are so many obstacles to coming out and transitioning. I can't say for certain how long you have to wait or whether your safety and health are relatively urgent factors for you at the moment - both of which you should consider too, of course don't negate those - but hold on there and I would not recommend trying to pretend to be cis or force yourself to ignore your gender. Maybe it could offer temporary relief but from what I've seen it's incredibly unhealthy in the long term, and you won't be happy that way. Give yourself some time. Find support, where you are in person (if that is possible), with people online, with possible hotlines, support centers, do research into future possibilities of people and places to contact. In the meanwhile educate yourself the best you can and also take it easy the best you can: any small thing, as long as it's safe, that you can find that makes you feel good about yourself, please go after that. Best of luck and stay strong. It's really not easy sometimes, but you can do it and you have EC's support too (*hug*)
Can't add much to what Alder said. I have been there myself, and can only confirm how unhealthy pretending is. Support and having allies is mandatory. Would you reach out at least to a LGBT center in your area? Perhaps a hotline? Talk about how you feel with someone who won't judge you or try to invalidate you helps. Any supporter I find IRL matters the world to me, and they also get the best of me, so don't feel egoist, you are giving them a beautiful, loving person as well. I've been around EC for a while, and the members, both cis and trans, have been incredibly supportive. We might have our differences, but if I can help I will try to, and when it comes to speak up and say how it is, for good and bad, I will. I think you should make a plan, with goals for this year, and keep in mind that transition is made not only of Hormones and Surgery, it's a long process, and you need to find the limits you can play with, and get away with as much as you can. You need to reach out, and let your true self let be known, and accepted. Once you find the first person, the rest will come to you, because you will want to take further steps. To be known as you are, to hear your name spoken by someone, is a feeling that can give you lots of strenght and confidence. To reach out is definitely worth it. Don't give up now. We all have gone through this, we are still here, and we'll be around for you.
florestan, you mentioned your concern about getting into grad school. if you are taking college classes this term, does your college or university have an LGBT center or a counseling center where you can meet with someone to help you sort out your feelings? sometimes, a neutral third-party like a counselor, can help you think differently about what's going in your life and help you with a pan of action. it is a tough life pretending to be cis. being called by your new name will be like music to your ears.
Unfortunately, I'm not in college right now, and my old one was a Baptist-affiliated school anyway. I'm living with my parents until I can get into grad school or afford my own place. I'm not quite as low as I was a few days ago. I guess I've become emotionally numb much of the time, and when that happens I don't feel like fighting back. Right now I'm still not feeling great, but I'm in touch with my emotions again. At the very least, I don't feel doubtful anymore. I had the opportunity today to wear the dress I keep hidden and look at myself in the mirror. It made me feel relieved, like I'd connected to something I'd started to lose. Right now, the only supportive people I'm out to are friends that live several states away. I can get away with shaving my legs and wearing women's clothes when no one's around. All that has helped, but I haven't been able to progress further than that. I'll escape one day, though.