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Genderfluid Confusion

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Bel, Feb 13, 2016.

  1. Bel

    Bel
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    There's something which has been confusing me, and occasionally bothering me, for a long time, but I'm not sure how to address it.

    I'm biologically female, and since I was young I always identified as cisgender. I love wearing female clothing and make-up, behaving femininely, ect. But throughout my life, since at least high school, there have been stretches of time where I love to dress in male clothing. In high school, for an entire week, I was thought to be male because I look rather androgynous and have a lower voice, and at the time I had very short hair and wore blazers. This went on until I wore a skirt one day and everyone realized I was female. But I never actively discouraged the students and teachers who mistook me for male -- in fact, I enjoyed being addressed with male pronouns, and being thought of as male.

    Since then, I have enjoyed occasionally trying to pass as male, by crossdressing and even sometimes binding my chest, although the majority of the time, I like to wear skirts and dresses and be very feminine. But lately, I've been in more frequent boyish phases (sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks), where I wonder what it would be like to have a penis, even wishing to biologically be a boy (for only a temporary period of time), dressing like a boy, and liking the idea of being addressed by male pronouns. I've even thought of a male name to use when I feel boyish, although I never have tried it. I'm also very much into acting as a career, and I wish I would be cast in male roles instead of female roles sometimes, so I could dress up and pass as male for a while.

    I don't wish to transition, or remove my breasts, or to have testosterone injections or anything. Most of the time I am very happy being female and consider myself such. But during these times when I feel boyish (and even when I feel boyish, I feel more like a very feminine boy) I also feel confused.

    I don't like the idea of identifying openly as genderfluid, even to myself. I feel afraid it would diminish my identity as female. Am I just a girl who likes to pretend to be a boy at times, or is this more than that? I'm leaning towards the former, but I'm not sure. I've also recently came to terms that I am bisexual, instead of a lesbian like I previously thought, but questioning my gender is something which I've never done before. I have a FtM brother, but he can be very touchy about the subject, so I don't want to talk to him about it.
     
    #1 Bel, Feb 13, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2016
  2. eden

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    I'm sorry that you cant find solace in speaking to your brother (although you don't elaborate much on why). One would suspect he'd be an ally.

    Give it some time and don't feel like you have to label yourself. You don't. I can relate to a lot of how you feel and what day-to-day can be like but I've come to a hard-thought conclusion that genderfluid / non-binary fits well. It's just a word. I'm presenting as male today and like my male parts. That doesn't mean I won't wear a 'This Girl Loves Her Cat" shirt tomorrow and be secretly happy when I get called 'hun'.

    Maybe it is confusing because it's new but it is ok and normal.

    Like Celeda sings, 'Be Yourself'. A purely positive message and very appropriate here.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1cASGp92Dc
     
    #2 eden, Feb 14, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2016
  3. Bel

    Bel
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    Hi Eden, thanks for your kind response. My brother and I have had a very strained relationship since childhood, and he tends to be very angry and aggressive about trans and queer media and people unless they fit what he thinks is proper representation. He would probably think I was making fun of or imitating him if I tried to talk to him.

    It's a new feeling in that I haven't seriously questioned my gender identity before, but I've been having these periods of boyishness for years now (15 when it started, I'm now 24), so that feeling of wanting to be more masculine, at least, is familiar by now, although it does come and go. But thank you for the support, I'll take my time and settle on whatever feels right when the time comes.
     
    #3 Bel, Feb 14, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2016
  4. Eveline

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    Bel, Truthfully, from what you wrote, I feel that you want to be reassured that you really are cisgender and that in itself is one of the strongest sign that you are cisgender. People who choose to identify as genderfluid typically do so because that identity feels right to them and they are comfortable with the idea that they are not cisgender. Many women feel comfortable wearing men's clothes and your heightened awareness to gender identity issues as a result of your brother identifying as trans would explain why you would be open to experimenting with binding. In general, there are really only two ways to know that you are not cisgender: Gender dysphoria or a clear desire to identify as something other than being cisgender. In your post, you focused heavily on behavioral patterns and gender expression to try and explain why you might be genderfluid. Neither of these should be used as proof that you aren't cisgender because gender expression is universal and is a social construct.

    I can only speak from the perspective of being a binary trans girl but you do sound to me like a highly empathetic cisgirl who likes to act and take on the role of a man. I was left with with such an impression because:

    *you pointed out multiple times how happy you are with being a woman and comfortable you are with femininity,
    *you mention a feeling of discomfort after presenting as male for a period of time,
    *you mention that you love acting and you like taking on the part of being a man,
    *your response to Eden is written in an empathetic and sensitive way,
    *when presenting as a man you see yourself as a feminine man,
    *you don't want to identify as genderfluid,
    *you see yourself as cisgender,
    *you are afraid that identifying as genderfluid will hurt your female identity,
    *you have a family member who is trans which can lead to gender identity confusion, especially if you are empathetic,

    Anyway, I hope that this helped you in some way. Ultimately, only you can figure out and decide who you are inside and whether or not you are genderfluid or cisgender. I hope that you find the answers you are searching for and it gives you a peace of mind about your gender identity.

    I'm sorry that your relationship with your brother is strained. I hope you figure out a way to reconcile with him. You seem really sweet and I am sure your support would make his life nicer overall.

    Much hugs,

    (*hug*)

    Eveline
     
    #4 Eveline, Feb 14, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2016