So last July (I believe it was) I came out as FtM to my mother. At the time it seemed like things were going okay. She promised me that she'd attempt to call me 'Rob', and use he/him pronouns. Unfortunately, it was easier said than done. I never expected miracles, hell I never even originally expected her to let me keep living under her roof. Though she did allow me to stay, and for awhile things seemed to be going okay(ish). She rarely used the pronouns, or the name (in fact she only ever used the name once). Though I thought to myself, 'this is new to her, surely she's trying to grasp the idea.' Turns out that wasn't what was going on at all. She was trying to block out the chat like it never happened. And throughout the following months began making.. odd conversational choices with me. Conversations that seemed to have the undertone of, 'you're still a woman, you know.' I ignored these conversations (and still do), though I won't lie and say that it's not difficult. The worst thing about this is how my mind is processing it all. In fact her weird methods are making me feel like I'm the one who should be apologizing for identifying as a man. That I should be the one who puts my own happiness and identity aside so that she can remain happy. This isn't healthy, I know that, but that doesn't mean that this isn't how I'm thinking. It is impossible for me to leave this household for at least the next 3 years or so. (While I finish up my highschool credit program and figure out what I want to do with my life.) So this is going to have to be my situation for some time. Right now I'm pretty good for a month or two, and then I have one day were I'm sad, have a good cry and then go back to normal. Bottling up my feelings so I don't 'overstep' my boundaries. Today (and the reason that I remembered this site) is one of those days. My mother decided to buy me a valentines. Seems harmless enough right? Though the card was just so... feminine, and with constant rephrasing of 'you're my girl/you're a beautiful woman/glad to have you as my daughter'. This really struck a nerve with me, and I feel like I've just got to let it all out. I am wondering if anyone has tips on to better manage in my situation? I don't have any friends (at least offline), and seeing a shrink is not quite possible at this time. I need to cope with this myself, but I really don't know how. I apologize if this thread is a bit... gloomy for valentine's day. And with all that being said, I hope everyone is having a good day!
Hey Rob, happy Valentines That sounds like my own teenager years, except for the fact I never came out to my mother... Or anyone. I always thought of myself as a boy back then, a boy trapped on someone else's body and life. However the way I presented was clearly masculine (short hair, neutral clothes). I even had some items bought at the men's section, and stole my dad's cologne. Even if I never spoke a word about my male identity, my dearest mother never missed a chance to missgender me, and force me to listen to her monologue on women... A topic I was interested on, but just not under that perspective, if you know what I mean... Advice? Don't spend much time on that household, unless she is not there. That was the only way I knew to survive : I had many friends, and there was always something going on somewhere. And if there was no one available, I became one of those who spend hours at a coffee shop, reading or doing homework. I only came back home to eat, shower or sleep, and even then I had troubles... Not even as I began to contribute financially things went better : Money was never enough, and at a certain point she just ate most of my salary. I can see clearly now she was trying desperately to keep me under her wing, back then she tried to convince me I was a failure because I wasn't earning enough. To confront her (the one with the money and the house, aka the power) would have ended badly, and even if I tried to keep my distance, she confronted me in many occasions, threatened me to kick me out, and even went physical (we both went physical, I take shit from no one). I hope it won't reach that point with you and your mother, but some mothers can get pissed if you dare to challenge her authority. Some think that you owe them, specially the ones who feel unhappy about growing old. There are many unhappy people out there who needs someone to let all the anger on, you better stay away from those... I like to think of myself as the exception, that not all mothers are that horrible. We had also issues with her jealousy (I had a wonderful relationship with my father, and she is very jealous by nature), she wasn't doing very well financially, hated her job and her life, and had personal issues to deal with (she still has them, and refuses to even accept they exist). We are also both very proud, and suck at dealing with feelings, so you had then the spark and the dynamite together... It had to be that way back then. Try to avoid any confrontation, and let her have it from time to time, so she thinks all is alright and her authority is not challenged... Unless she begins to demand more, which is also possible... It's a fight you can't win, your opponent got much better weapons than you, so you better avoid her like the plague, and try to reach out. What about your father, do you think he would be open to talk about your gender, or at least listen to you? Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Hi, Rob, I'm not you and never had (or not yet) that experience. Just like Michael, I'll state the same, is there at least anyone you know you can tell about your gender identity. A teacher or a relative. If not then there's always the harsh reality of waiting 3 more years until you move out. It's something hard and I know you won't just accept the way things are. No one would. Things are easier said then done. Right? I don't know if this is any help at all. I guess tell her your just a really masculine girl. She's doesn't seem that she's going to call you by your male pronouns anyways. So maybe she'll stop treating you more like a girly girl. I don't know what really what else to say except to list a resource https://callhimhunter.wordpress.com/ally-moms/ Never tried this website yet, but this is a website where a group of moms who have transgender children try there best to reach out to other transgender individuals and answer questions and give advice. If you need someone to talk to PM or VM me.
