So, recently I've come out on facebook as a woman and I've been very happy about it and I've even met some new friends who I hang out with constantly but I've realized recently that I have been having a weird issue with pronouns. Normally being called she is very validating and makes me happy and excited, but recently I've been correcting them in my head and feeling guilty about it for some reason. But when I consider them calling me "he" instead I get that oh-so-familiar gunky, slimy, awful feeling in my stomach. I'm worried I'm just stressed and reverting to old pronouns and preferences, as I'm also dressing more like my male alter ego, and seeing myself as less female sometimes. This all unfortunately ALSO seems to correlate with some heavy stressors lately, so I'm unsure of what to take of it. I suppose my question is: After starting transition did anyone start to look back and think "well, it wasn't THAT bad being treated like [a boy OR girl]... maybe I'm not totally trans?" Is this common, and I'm just too worried about something that comes with a desperate attempt to escape the fact that the dysphoria gets worse on days when I'm scared I won't be seen as a total girl (clothes alone help, clothes in public can either make my day MUCH better or MUCH worse)... Help I'm overthinking!!!!! AAGHHHHHHHHH*melting*:newcolor:
It could be you are just not used to correct people on the pronouns, and feeling uncomfortable for asking 'that special treatment' (which is not so, just feels that way). If you get that oh-so-familiar gunky, slimy, awful feeling in my stomach, don't ignore it, please, and don't even try to because it is a sign. I had to endure that feeling for most of my life, I know how it is... Stomachs are wiser than brains, trust me... (just think that brains take 20% of the energy, while the stomach reminds you to eat!) You should do whatever makes you feel comfortable. If there is stress on your life, you might feel more secure going back to guy mode (as some call it), but that doesn't mean you'll get the comfort you expect from it. It's just a pair of shoes that feel comfortable, but probably they were never your size, you know... I remember those times when I tried to fake it, and ended up drinking so I could stand faking it and then I could stand life... Didn't lasted very long, and the hangovers were not worth it, there are better ways... Dysphoria gets definitely worse when you are scared, stressed or pissed off in general. If that is you, and if you don't mind me saying, you have a lovely smile... Never imagined you like that! And to answer the thread's question... I think you are going through a lot, and your psyche is trying self defense, but those psychological mechanisms don't invalidate your gender identity at all.
I am genderfluid, but there's a feeling I get where I invalidate my own gender with this tiny nagging voice that says "All this feeling right and happy is great, but don't forget you're -really- a girl and you'll never -really- be anything but a girl" and then being seen as neutral or masculine starts feeling like I'm a liar and a fake, so I correct it back in my head to put myself 'back in my place.' I recognize cognitively that the little voice is the voice of dysphoria and is incorrect, but it still leaves me shaken and unsure. I've been struggling with it, so I don't have any solution, but I do understand and I can commiserate a bit. I'm going to start seeing a counselor again, to see if that helps me sort out some of it.
I've been so worried about that being the case but at the same time I guess it's hard and confusing when I am alone I don't really worry about what gender I am and clothes are just clothes to me, and really, very little feels EXPRESSIVE to me until I go out in public and then all of a sudden I feel a need to dress up just a little bit to express myself. But when I'm alone it's almost like I always misgender myself or I fall back into those habits and I feel male. Or. I guess. I feel like me. I feel like the person that was called male. It gives me a sinking feeling even when I'm alone. But sometimes I don't even care. I've BEEN proud of it before. Today hasn't been very great either. Maybe I should relax and stop beating myself up by thinking so much. Aww!!! Really? Yeah, it is me. What did you imagine me as? A wookie? ---------- Post added 15th Feb 2016 at 04:22 PM ---------- I'm glad SOMEBODY explained that to me. I've been trying to place my finger on what I'm feeling when I feel dysphoria. It's almost like the aforementioned slimy feeling and then other times it's like I'm DESPERATE to look like a cis woman because I find EVERY single bit of me that I don't like or that invalidates me and I magnify it in my mind and I tell myself it's invalidating or that I'm just a huge faker. I'm so sorry that you've been struggling with it. I have good days and bad days and I hope your bad days are fewer and far between. It's a really terrible feeling. I'm so sorry.
