In the last year or so I finally started to see a therapist about my social anxiety and isolation. Thanks to that and my anti-anxiety medication I’ve finally started to feel better and I’m ready to try to understand who I really am. The problem is that I’m still very confused about it. I feel that I may be a trans woman, but I’m not sure. When I’m online and I no one can see me or hear my voice I feel most comfortable, because I can be a woman without the dissonance of not looking or sounding right. Many years back, that was easier because communication was all text, but these days it isn’t so easy. I’ve had a much harder time in the real world, because I don’t like the way I look. Even when I try to dress as a woman, I still hate the way I look. My poor body image led me to not care about what I looked like and I became severely overweight. I’ve started working on better eating habits and on watching my calorie intake and have lost nearly 100 lbs in the last two years. I’m still overweight, but I’ve become much happier with myself. Beyond that I still have nagging doubts that maybe I’m just an effeminate guy. I don't really feel dysphoria from having a penis, which makes me wonder if I'm not trans at all. The thought of transitioning is too big and scary for me to even to contemplate. I currently identify as genderqueer because I don’t know exactly where on the spectrum I really fit. I’ve been thinking of moving beyond just chatting online and dressing alone in my house with all the curtains drawn, but I don’t know where to go and I’m extremely self-conscious about it. I’ve been having trouble with is trying to find people locally that I can connect with, especially something for someone my age (I’m 46). At this point I’m not looking for anything romantic (that’s a whole other issue), just people I can socialize with to get me out of the house and stop me from isolating all the time. I’ve tried googling for something, but I’m probably not using the right search terms or something because I’m not coming up with much besides student organizations and that wouldn’t work for me. (I'll stop here for now. I feel like I have a thousand things to say, but I don't want to overwhelm everyone with a huge wall of text.)
Welcome to EC, Zuzu. I think it's great you went to see a therapist, and it seems to me you are making good progress. Dressing up at home is a good idea too. The first times you need to be patient with yourself. Specially women, who feel they must look good to even be a woman (which is not true, women will be women regardless of how good they look). Also the ideas of feminine beauty are different. If you take a look on what you would call attractive on the 50's, and compare it to the idea of beauty during the 90s, you'll see both models don't look the same. And then there is other ideas of what is a beautiful woman, personal ideas of every man, and trust me we are not all into skinny girls... During our teenager years we go through a process of accepting ourselves, and in the case of trans, we go through the same process again. I was underweight, to the point of getting sick, and I need to make sure I eat something or else I'll go back to be sick. Men are supposed to have muscles and be strong, but at the same time I need to keep thin to avoid dysphoria. A compromise is to keep a weight that is still healthy, and to talk about it with your doctor will sure help you achieve that goal. You lose a lot of weight already, so I'm sure you can lose more. I wouldn't say your lack of dysphoria about your penis would automatically mean you are not trans. There are many trans that wouldn't want surgery because of many reasons. Among them, surgeries are too expensive, and have risks. There are other trans who are happy with their junk, and they even brag about their uniqueness (think about Buck Angel). I think that's fine, your body belongs to you, and nobody has any right to tell you to make changes you are not comfortable with. There are many ways to be social, from the daily chit chat to join some cooking classes. Have you tried your local LGBT center?
