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So confused... am I trans?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by cheerlesbo, Feb 15, 2016.

  1. cheerlesbo

    cheerlesbo Guest

    I don't even know how to feel anymore. I am biologically a girl. I was a tomboy growing up, but I never really felt like a girl... shit, I don't know what it's like to "feel" like a certain gender. I don't even feel like a boy either. Other cis people I have talked to have told me that they don't really "feel" like a certain gender either.

    But lately I've been sick of this girl stuff. I'm sick of my girl clothes, (though in all honesty, I'd be much more comfortable nude, I hate all clothes) but I've never really dressed like a boy before. I tried on my friend's pants once, and since they were too big for me they kinda sagged, and I had spandex on underneath and I was checking myself out in the mirror and I thought, damn, I'd be hot as a dyke. (Btw I am bi/pansexual)

    I want to cut my hair short, but I'd rather have a guy's haircut than any kind of girly pixie cut, which my sister and brother started showing pictures of to me as suggestions. I have some pictures saved of the cut I want, (my sister is a hairdresser, she would be cutting it for me so she has to see) but it's on a guy and 'm scared to show my siblings. I know my they'll tell me I'm gonna look like a boy, but what's wrong with looking like a boy?

    I look up to my brother so much. I love how he dresses and how he looks. I want to be like him, but I wonder how much he and my sister really "see me as a girl," and if they would think it's weird that I want to act and look more masculine.

    I've had doubts about my gender since about 7th grade, where I was convinced I wanted to transition to male, but I decided I would never be brave enough to come out, and I buried these feelings deep inside me and forgot about them. However, I have never experienced body dysphoria. I have a very beautiful body, but it's very feminine. I have big boobs and a big butt, and I get a lot of compliments on it that don't really bother me. The problem isn't with my body, it's with how I present myself.

    I would like male pronouns, but I don't have a problem with female ones. I would like to be a guy, I just don't necessarily feel like one (whatever the hell that means). I want to experiment with a binder, and dress fully as a guy for the first time, but that means I'd have to go buy guy clothes, and I'd have to wait until next year (when I'll be getting a car) to do that unless I can convince one of my siblings to take me... I don't think they'd react badly, I just think they'd be weirded out because they've always known me as girl.

    I also don't know where to get a binder, I've seen free/reduced price used ones on certain sites, but it says not to apply unless you need it to combat dysphoria, which I don't experience. I also don't want my dad to find out I ordered one online. Is there a store I could get one? Also, trans people, does this sound like you? I'm just so confused.

    Thanks for reading this long mess.
     
  2. RavenTheRat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Hmm.... you sound like me, actually. Well kind of. Tell me, do you feel attracted to the male "side of things" all the time, or do you sometimes love your girl clothes?

    I think you definitley don't sound cis, so at least there's that. But hun, take it from someone who spent about a year and a half as "The person who's not cis but has no idea beyond that"- don't rush it. Talk to people of different gender orientations, and see what sounds like you. And honestly, maybe you just want to be a blob. That's okay. Labels aren't everything.

    In the end, dress how you want, use the pronouns you want, and your gender will reveal itself in time. And don't get frustrated hun- it takes time, but it's worth taking your time in the end, trust me.

    Best of luck sweetie <3
     
  3. Lipstick Leuger

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Michigan
    It's quite possible you may be really Butch. My wife is like that, she dresses like a guy, has short hair, goes by either pronouns, and presents as masculine. She does not want to be a guy however, just to not have breasts and maybe have top surgery. She is happy with having female genitals, but her breasts make her feel weird. She is not trans. It took her some time to come to this revelation, and I agree with Raven, just try a bunch of different looks and give it time. There are SO many things in between Cis and trans.

    I would also recommend reading ' Stone Butch Blues'.

    (hugs)
     
    gravechild likes this.
  4. thattransguy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    texas
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    your like i was/am i always hated girly things and anytime i see my cousins or nephews i got/get jelous of how they look it took me awhile to figure out but i finally exepted my full on trans-ness im not saying that you are trans just that it could be a possibility