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Non-binary/questioning, now what?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by octopusspi, Feb 16, 2016.

  1. octopusspi

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    Honestly this is mostly a dump for what I'm feeling and thinking about, but I wouldn't mind trans/cis people weighing in? I haven't talked to anyone IRL about this yet and I would like some other perspectives before I do.

    So I've been some variety of uncomfortable with femininity for pretty much my entire life. Mostly as a grudging acceptance of my association with girlhood/womanhood.
    People complain when men refer to women as "female" instead of other terms, but I've generally kind of preferred that sort of more clinical term. Like, am I a woman? Heck no (??). Am I a girl? I guess, ok, I'm used to that. Female? Sure, I do indeed have the usual anatomy associated with that term, and it's affected my socialization and social standing a fair bit.

    When I was a kid, probably 13-14, I tried to figure out my discomfort and resolve it and settled on "I can't change this, so I had better deal with it".
    Later, when I guess I realized that being transgender was a thing, I thought about it some more. Eventually I decided that I didn't really want to be a boy (though I've honestly generally been a bit unsure on that one), or at least that I probably wouldn't be happier transitioning, and left it at that.

    Now, being more literate in LGBT issues and accepting of my own queerness in general, I've come to realize that I haven't really thought about it since then, with the assumption that I'm totally cis coming from an incomplete perspective.

    I've always had some trouble with non-binary identities, and I think that might be because that's actually what I feel like. A little trouble accepting that category, because "I also feel like my only attachment to my birth sex is historical and practical, and like my identity itself is fairly gender-neutral if anything, but I'm cis?? If gender is at least partly an innate orientation/feeling why don't I feel my own gender?"

    I've worried about my general dislike for femininity/female expression and identity being internalized misogyny, and I think there was some of that, at least in years past. But now I think it might be more (though I doubt that's entirely gone). I do love women, I love femininity, but I don't really feel it. I say things like "as a woman" in feminist contexts and the like but it's not comfortable.

    I've tried to embrace my own femaleness, in bits and pieces, but I generally end up horribly uncomfortable and wanting to swing back to a more masculine expression. I love my current boyfriend, but "girlfriend" makes me a little uncomfortable, moreso than when I was dating a girl (probably because that term was on her side as well and I didn't think about myself as that as easily).

    My preferred aesthetic is really "ambiguous gender" (even with more feminine items I'd be more comfortable if I were still hard to read overall), and I honestly really like being "misgendered". When people ask what pronouns I use, I think I like it for more reasons than just inclusiveness. This is something else that I kinda attributed to internalized misogyny probably, but ??
    I honestly don't know if I could be comfortable in the future continuing to identify as a woman.

    NB people, what is there to actually do? I think something around the lines of genderqueer fits me best, I think I'll try to move my wardrobe a little further masculine of center (it's slipped back a bit recently, with trying to accept femininity and having a few more form-fitting items/laziness in general with dressing/laundry), and I think when I'm asked about pronouns I'll drop the "female, but-" part of my usual "female, but I don't really care".

    Other than that, I might want to bind/change other things in the future but not now. I don't mind my basically female body, at least when it's not emphasized with clothing. I'm ok with female pronouns if not so much acknowledging myself as that. What kind of coming out is there to do? I'm honestly not quite sure how to deal with this. I want to tell my boyfriend, at some point at least, and he's very open to this sort of thing (actually asked if I preferred a neutral pronoun early on), but also straight so I'm not so sure. I don't know about my family, I'm not sure they really accept/acknowledge my bisexuality yet. Help?
     
  2. TomboyGoth

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    I don't know if i'm actually able to help you in any way but i can share my thoughts. I'm a total tomboy and there was a time when i was thinking if i actually want to be a man. The conclusion was that, no, i don't want to be a man, i just don't want to be a conventional woman. I think that society has a lot to do with those thoughts. Everyone is labeled by gender and everyone interacts certain way based on your gender. I'm still a female first to everyone and they always think i like certain things based on the sole fact that i am a female although i don't certainly look like it.

    When i was younger i had hard time to blend in. I tried to be womanly, but i didn't enjoy it and i was never good in it. And it's hard when you can't be one of the girls and then again you can't be one of the guys either. The more i grew the more masculine i became. I don't think i have a lot of self confidence although everyone just always assumes it because i look the way i look. Now i'm 28 years old and starting to think that although life is harder when you are not conforming, it's also more rewarding to be true to yourself. So i'm just embracing my masculinity.

    My husband actually thinks i look good dressed like this and with my short hair. And based on what you told about your boyfriend i think they are a bit similar. My husband said to me that anything goes unless i really transition to a man, because he is really straight. So i think your boyfriend probably don't have any problems unless you are going to transition.

    I was confused a while with this gender issue and i think it was mostly because you don't really see a real tomboys in movies or in real life either. Everyone is still pretty feminine and that just wasn't me. I didn't have anything to relate to. I'm more like a cross dresser, it feels good to dress up like a man. And every time i play a computer or console game (lately Dragon Age Inquisition) i choose a female character, get the most boyish hair and choose a fighter, warrior or something similar and get the biggest armor i can get. And truth to be told, if i could i would wear that in real life also. :grin:

    So my only advice would be to talk with your boyfriend and then just go with the flow, dress how you want. He sounds quite understanding and can support you. You don't necessarily have to talk with your parents yet. Just test everything and take your time thinking what it is you want. When you have achieved some kind of a clarity it's easier to talk with them. If you still live at home they of course see how you dress up but you can always say that you just like to dress like that and you just aren't a conventional woman. That should be enough for a while.

    I don't know if i helped at all but i hope you feel better at least.
     
  3. octopusspi

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    Thanks, that did help quite a bit.

    For the most part I've been embracing "gender-non-conforming/masculine-of-center woman" for a long time now, I'm just not as sure as I used to be that it works for me. I'll have to keep thinking about it, I'll probably bring it up to my boyfriend at least when I see him this weekend.