Conflicted with self and family, any advice?

I am biologically female and identify solidly with using female pronouns. I like the tenderness and emotional intuitiveness, that I believe, is intrinsic to a female (although I only display it to few). Overall, I align with my gender, mentally. However, physically it's always a war.

I've never associated femininity with myself and I know it is not exclusive to females, but there's some aspect of my identity that goes beyond the female identity. I think I have dysphoria to some degree. When I speak my voice sounds too high and I never want to talk. When I look in the mirror I feel too curvy, and want to hide, and when I behave I feel too 'hyper' and feminine and it angers/saddens me. It's confusing because I still firmly identify as female. (I've tried living as male for a bit but it wasn't the right fit.)

Because of societal pressures, and being the only daughter in my family, I feel it's my duty to represent females as strong, feminine and capable women (especially with the chauvinistic men in my family). I deeply resent the stereotype that all gay women/lesbians are angry butch man-hating women, and it makes me want to prove bigots wrong. Coupled with a conservative family (who are ironically natives to the liberal city of NYC), internalized homophobia, and my expression and identity being at odds with one another, I feel like I'm in limbo. I want to prove people wrong and not estrange myself from family, but by pleasing others I won't be happy.


Is there a term for this 'identity'? I know labels aren't necessary, and I'm not a label a person, but I need something to cling to, at least for now. I'm not comfortable with a feminine presentation, and I can't imagine myself in the future presenting as such at all. I'm grasping at straws trying to make sense of things.

How can I overcome societal and familial stigmas? I'm very close with my mom, and I won't lose her, but I'm afraid of isolating myself from her because. Although she's one of the few tolerant people in my family, the whole gender thing confuses her. Secondly, I deeply resent ignorance and fulfilling stereotypes, and I don't want my existence to be a political statement everywhere I go, but I want to be happy. But, I can't seem to overcome the expectations of everyone else and be how I want to be.

Any advice for a conflicted soul? :help:

 

Thanks for the input. I think growin' up with a conservative italian family with guys spouting a lot of ignorant alpha-male crap, made me internalize a lot of things and deeply resent ignorant stereotypes. I love my family, and I know they feel the same, but they're just coming to grips with the fact that I'm gay, and they're still tryna grip with that.

My mom though, she's a selfless person and will love me regardless, but gender talk confuses her and she cries at the drop of a hat, and I'm just not like that. I don't want to see her emotional and confused, but I wanna be happy too.

I just wanna live my life, have my family, and be happy in my skin. That's all that's important to me. I guess I haven't worked everything out with my own acceptance, and I'm scared of losing those are are the most important. But man, my happiness is important too.