My identity has gotten pretty confusing as of late. Up until the age of 13, I was a typical boy in terms of my interests, albeit somewhat socially awkward. I started having fantasies about being a girl at that point, right around the onset of puberty, and have always maintained an interest in gender-bending stories since. At the same time, I never really imagined myself as mentally being female. The characters I identified myself with and imagined myself as were all male, notably the Green Ranger from Power Rangers, Luke Skywalker from Star Wars, Link from The Legend of Zelda, and Tedd from El Goonish Shive (although he's recently been revealed as genderfluid). I've cosplayed as Luke and Link before and love it as well. Within the last five years, though, I've been playing female characters in games more and more, and taking steps to make my body more feminine. I've shaved my body har completely off, which feels incredible, and I like myself with longer hair too. I have attempted to do more toward a full transition, but that actually frightened and confused me. Like, trying to play Legend of Zelda while identifying female loses the sense of fun I had at playing it and not being able to see myself as Link anymore hurts. I tend to wind up slipping back into boy mode if I do that. At the same time, playing my female elf hunter in Pathfinder feels just as natural and I wind up feeling more female that way. I've tried going out in public dressed female at LGBT events, but that's always been hit or miss. Sometimes, it feels great to express a female gender identity, sometimes I feel a strong sense of anxiety and wish to go back to being male. While being physically feminine had always felt good and desirable (in fact, I believe my ideal body would be a female one but with male "parts" still), I don't really feel the sense of dysphoria about my male body that most trans people tend to feel. And while roleplaying as female within the confines of a fantasy universe has always been fun, I don't feel as though my mental identity in real life is always female. I have been discussing this with a gender therapist, who agrees I'm probably on the trans spectrum somewhere and sees a general trend toward becoming more feminine over the course of my life. She has suggested I stop pushing myself too hard and find ways to slow down, relax, and try things at my own pace. Any idea what this makes me?
I can't say what this make you. You can only figure this for yourself. All I can give you is advice, which may or may not help you. Just because you don't experience dysphoria doesn't mean you're not trans. There's probably trans people out there who don't experience dysphoria like you. All trans people have different experiences. Not a single one is the same. I just like to ask you, do you think you would feel better in a female body than a male one? It's not that a male body causes you dysphoria, but a female one makes you happier? I'd also like to add that wear whatever you like. When you say that sometimes you wish to go back to being a male does it mean you want to wear more masculine clothing or go back to being a male. Those are to different things as you can be a female who wears more masculine clothing. All you're saying is you're trying to make yourself seem more female by being more feminine. Correct? You can still like cosplaying as a male character and still identify as a female. There's plenty of girls and guys who cosplay as the opposite gender and still identify with a girl or a guy or whatever they identify with. You can still more masculine and imagine yourself as a boy while still identify yourself as being female. Maybe you do need to sit down and relax just as your gender therapist recommended. It may be hard, but sometimes the experience can be useful. I still need to work on just to sit down and relax. Although when I relax and not worry about it sometimes the answer comes naturally. Instead of trying so hard to be "feminine" and more "female". Be yourself. No matter who you are you can still identify as female. And don't worry about labels. Maybe you have heard that advice before, but I had to be told directly to get it through my head. If you'd like more advice VM or PM. I'm open to questions. Although I might not have the answers I'll try my best to answer them. And I'll say this a second time, don't worry about labels. Labels are only there to assist you to help finding who you are and saving the explanation. Once you realize this you won't get as stressed out as much. You could even make up your own description of your own gender. Like I'm more female than male. It could be more detailed than that or that just could be the explanation. Just saying your more female than male is a pretty simple enough that people kind of understand who you are. Finally, good luck! >_<
When I say "go back to being a male" I mean go back to identifying as male. It has nothing to do with clothing. And the things I was doing to make myself more feminine were things I did because they felt good to me. I did not realize that at the time, becoming female was the goal; I just did them because I liked how they felt and then noticed the pattern afterward. Also, I don't really feel good about being either female or male. When I'm male, I find myself wishing for a female body, but when I give in and identify as female, I am overcome by anxiety when I try to do something I enjoyed as male and feel cut off from it. There is no joy in it unless I return to identifying as male, which feels good for a while until thoughts of being female return and the cycle starts all over again. I feel like I'm trapped with no way out of this, and it will never let me go.
Okay I get it now. It must be hard feeling all of this anxiety. I can't say much about this, but maybe try to experiment more. If you're conflicting with both your female and male sides maybe try more gender neutral clothing. Maybe search more into bigender or gender fluid. Maybe you'll find something useful. Only you can find out what you're really are.
I'm kind of thinking right now that it would be best to try and pull myself back from labels; just do whatever makes me feel comfortable, and not worry about what that ultimately "means" for my identity. If trying to identify either way causes problems, maybe the solution is just not to and to focus instead on being me.
Although coming to an understanding of myself is still going to take time, I think I'm starting to hit on a realization that might help me come to terms with myself. Namely, fantasies and behavior patterns don't necessarily indicate one's gender identity. And labels only have as much meaning as I'm willing to give them. What matters most is what I personally feel most comfortable with. And for right now, if I'm not actually uncomfortable having a male body, wearing men's clothes, and being perceived as male, that's really all that matters.
