Hello, First let me say that, and advice is truly helpful and appreciated. So first some info about me. I am 31 and female. I have 2 children and have been married since I was 17 to the guy I was with since 15. Now for the confusion and anxiety. Since I was a kid, I have never really acted like other girls and even now im not feminine. I was a tom-boy climbing trees and hanging out with the other boys. Yea I had a little crush when i was 6, but I summed it up to the fact he was the only kid my age that liked my red hair. Other than that, I was 10 when I had my first boyfriend, but wasn't really interested in him. I was just going with the flow. All my boyfriends were the same after that. Till I went to middle\high school. That's when I first really learned about homosexuality. After that I was extremely curious, but not so much to experiment, but the more I think about it, I don't know why. During that time I met my husband, then went on to get married, then graduate, had kids etc... etc... However, as much as I love my husband, things don't feel right and the things that turn me on and what I fantasize about are confusing me and causing a lot of anxiety on my part.Mostly because i just don't understand and I have been telling myself for the better part of 15 years that i'm crazy. 95% of my fantasies or what turns me on is me imagining being a gay man, tho being submissive. But then if i see a cute girl, in my head I become a dominant male. Thoughts like how would i hold her and make her feel good. It is very rare I am myself in any of these scenarios. And what I hate is that I dont get the same feeling with my husband. Omg i have even imagined him being the bottom in a gay relationship. He does not know any of this. I honestly dont even know if i could admit it to him. And we have tried lots of things with me urging to be adventurous, but i can't mimic what feels like is missing. what does that make me, if anything? And what can i try to feel like im not out of place for once? Thank you in advance!
First of all, confused - yes, too late - no! For example I was 35yo when I realized I'm attracted to women. :icon_wink Okay, I'm somewhat on the same boat because I do imagine myself to be a guy in a relationship. In my case though it is because I'm indeed more on the male side of the spectrum and identify as a transgender. You don't write about having any kind of gender dysphoria though so I'd rather assume you make it easier for you in your head because when you imagine yourself with a woman as a man you don't need to think about the possibility of being a lesbian. Imagining yourself as a man with a man may speak about some homosexual tendencies and the fact you don't feel quite natural being a girl (or submissive) in a straight relationship. I may be wrong though. How'd you feel about being with a woman as a woman?
maybe marrying at young age dont give enough time to explore the real you, anyways try to confess everything to your husband am sure he'll understand you, you can be yourself anyways just prioritize your family in everything you'll do
I probably should have explained that I do not feel like I am really either. Hmm... explaining it makes me even more confused. It's like I feel neutral I guess, except when I am actually imagining being with someone... And then it is never as a woman. The only time I ever feel like I am feminine at all is when I am around children, and I do become the nurturing type of person. Being with a woman as a woman, has never really crossed my mind. My husband is actually more feminine than I am, when it comes to stereotyping mentality. Talking to him about this feels like it is out of the question for me at the moment, because he tends to become dramatic if he even thinks I am considering leaving him. Which I am not, but if I can't explain it properly I don't feel like I would be able to make him understand me properly.
