Hi, I am new around here. I don't really know what I'm doing here, but I guess I just write this and then people can reply if they want to? Let's go with that. Basically, I was assigned female at birth. But I've always been a tomboy, always worn mens clothes, acted masculine, been closer to my brother etc etc. About the age of 15 I knew what transgender was and since then I haven't been able to stop watching online videos, doing research and all of that. I guess, because since that day, I haven't been able to stop questioning whether that is what I am or not. I also came out to my parents, that I wanted to transition, about 6 months ago. But, nothing has changed. They were supportive about it, but kind of buried it, as if it would just pass. But it hasn't. The thought is always there. I'm always thinking back to my childhood and how there were so many signs that I associated myself as a boy and that I hated being called a girl. I mean I'd even introduce myself as a boy. And during those stages, I was so incredibly happy. And about the age of 13, I hit bad depression. And I can only wonder if that's because that's when puberty hit in. I mean there's loads of signs that this is what I want, but I'm sure many of you know that too. But, I guess the main problem is the fear associated with this. What if I transition and regret it? That this isn't who I really am? I know, I am the only person to make that decision, but I'm scared. I was going to talk to my parents again over the next few days, but I'm terrified, and I'm not sure I'll be able to bring myself to do it. I just guess I'm really asking, is anyone ever 100% sure of these things? And how do I reach that conclusion? Like what questions do I need to ask myself that will make this whole questioning phase easier? Thank you for taking the time to read and respond!
Hi malig ^-^ I think that a lot of trans people can relate to this, not being sure if they are trans, questioning themselves, thinking they might just be cis. I would introduce myself to everyone as a boy when playing online games. It's totally normal to have all of these fears. If you do transition it's unlikely you'll regret it but if you do there's always ways to handle it, if you can't transition back to your assigned gender there are still other ways around it. If it's not who you really are that's fine and there's nothing wrong with that If your parents were accepting before I don't see why it should be a problem this time, if your still worried you don't have to tell them until you're ready. If you live with your parents and are nervous about their reactions it might be a good idea to have a backup like a friends place or another relative? Truth is there are probably some people out there who are 100% sure but a lot of us aren't. In terms of reassuring your identity try to imagine yourself in the future as a man, how people will socialise with you and how you feel and if you are comfortable being this way. You could try presenting as different genders and see which one feels right. Try out different pronouns, clothing, perfumes and smellies. I thought for a long time that I was making up my identity so I told myself I was cis and continued living as if I was a cis girl for about a week, but I immediately knew after that week that I was not a girl and since then I've never doubted being transgender again Yes, you are the only one to make this decision but we're always here to help you out at EC :eusa_danc
To tell you the truth, I have only ever imagined a future as a man. In my dreams etc, I am always a man. I physically can't put myself in girls clothes, I feel that physically uncomfortable. And, generally, I physically see myself as a man. To the point where, if I'm meeting a new person and they refer to me as a lady or a girl or something along to those lines, or point out any feminine features, like I feel so hurt. Because the realisation comes back in, that no one else sees me the way I do. I guess, in truth, I am transgender. I just, well I'm so fearful, about taking this further. That's what scares me, incase I regret it, because it's such a massive thing
It can be daunting, just go as slow as you need to, at your own pace. You don't need to do all the transitions, hormones and top surgery and bottom surgery, just a few or none is okay. Consider how you feel about carrying on living as you are now. Would you be comfortable and happy? Imagine the future scenarios of transitioning and not transitioning. Which do you prefer? Do the benefits outweigh the risks? Vice versa. It might be best to tell someone close about your fears of transitioning so that they can emotionally support and encourage you, if you want, maybe even talk with people who have had hormones and/or surgery, they can tell you how it affected them from personal experience. You have control over what steps you take, don't worry if it takes you years because if that's what makes you happy and comfortable, you won't regret it. Good luck
Hey malig, welcome to EC. It could be better for you not to look too far in the future but focus more on the things that you can do now. It's like if you were a beginning climber you wouldn't start with Mount Everest, right? You can start experimenting with binding and packing, you can pick a male name, come out to some friends (if you think they'd be supportive) and tell them to use he/his pronouns, etc. and see how you feel about it. It's a process and it takes time so keep going and before you know it, you'll become closer to where you want to be and more sure if you want to transition or not. (*hug*)
