So I literally just had my anniversary ruined by the worst disphoria I've felt in months. A couple hours ago everything was great. My boyfriend and I where trying to figure out where to go for dinner and he suggested a bar/restaurant where a lot of drag queens and trans people hang out. I've tried to get him to go there before and was surprised he suggested it, but in that moment all I could think is "yeah lets go hang out with a bunch of people who pass better than I ever will, half of whom don't even want to be a woman. That'll make me feel great". no sooner had I had that thought and it was like every negative emotion I ever had came down on me and I just shut down. I lost all interest in going out, so he cooked because he's amazing but I can't even bring myself to eat. I can't even find the words to explain what's wrong to my boyfriend who was just trying to make me happy and is now hurt and confused, making me feel guilty for ruining the evening. Literally all I want to do is cry but I can't because testosterone. I just feel numb and hopeless. I want so badly to move forward with transition but at the same time I feel like I'm crazy to even think that I could live a normal life if I do. I already feel like I've lost too much, I dont think i can take the losses I will face if I transition. But then how is life worth living if I can't be myself?
