So I've only recently started questioning my gender identity, I've always told myself I'm a girl. I told myself I'm not trans, that wasn't me. But then one night I came to the realisation I don't want people to see me like a girl. I've thought about this a couple of months, I don't know how long exactly. But I didn't really have any trans signs as a kid, like I do hear a lot of people say. I didn't feel dysphoria until recently and I do notice me secretly hoping people will just see me as male but I'm not sure if it's really real. There are moments when I'm really sure of my case but there are also moments I'm like : but I could be a girl..."
I was extremely attached to being a cis girl for many years. I cried for three hours when I was first exposed to undeniable deep set masculinity in myself, which didn't happen until I was 18. I was a little gender non-conforming as a kid, but my parents weren't too focused on gender roles so it was never noticed. I stil doubt myself, my own validity, whether this is stupid or something I'll grow out of. But the real thing that cements it into place is the way it feels not when questioned, but when affirmed. When I had my cis-femaleness affirmed by anything, it was either a challenge, or an annoying thing I'd like to move past. I didn't like comments of "oh, your long hair is so pretty!" or things like that at all. I took "you're a girl, so..." To mean I should really fight whatever came after the "so." And I blamed that on being feisty and unsatisfied with women's rights in America, but it went a little deeper than that. I've picked out what I think is my compass of which direction I belong in. When I have my fluidity and non-binary-ness affirmed, it floods me with happiness. When my girlfriend calls me her boyfriend when I'm in a binder instead of her girlfriend like other times, when my dad says "oh, okay I understand" when my mom says "As long as you're healthy and happy I'll support you fully." Being told "yes, you are non-binary and that's fine" feels so much better than being told "yes, you are a cis-girl" ever did. I can doubt anything. If I let my anxiety go to town, I can even doubt my being alive. In the absence of doubt, my intuition comes into play and I know who I am and what's right for me.
Very nicely said, kitsune, and I couldn't have put it better myself. :'3 <3 Just do what the wise old tree lady in Pocahontas does, OP, and follow your heart.
