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very much haunted by dilemma

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by hightides, Feb 22, 2016.

  1. hightides

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    Hi, i am very very new to empty closets. There is something i want to share, this is a huge dilemma for me right now. So please please help me with some advice if u have any. Please. I have this huge exam ahead of me that i can't afford to screw up and i just can't get this tingling worry out of my mind.
    So here it goes...
    From my very childhood, i hv been a tomboy. I liked acting a bit boyish. But i always identifued as a girl. I always knew i was a girl. Both of my parents work so i used to get a huge amount of time that i used to spend alone, watching cartoons, animes etc. on tv, reading story books, writing stories, drawing etc. I was always extremely imaginative and creative. I used to watch all those magical girl animes and used to imagine myself on their placeand enjoy myself. I used to come up with plots and stpries for myself. Now, i am 18 and i haven't really changed except that now i relate very well with strong male fictional characters. I love their personalities and try to act like them. It has got me thinking recently, "am i transgender?". I mean i really relate very well to this guys. It always makes me feell so powerful and independent, when i think myself as a man. So really, am i transgender?? I am really freaked... i would really appreciate some advice. Please.. can anyone relate to feeling like this?? What did it mean for you guys?? I would really like to know.. please:icon_sad:
    NOTE: i am not new to the idea of lgbtqai stuff. I hv always been a huge supporter since i was like came to know abt the discrimination done to them. I just never questioned my gender till now
     
  2. Mihael

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    How naturally does being a girl or aboy feel to you? Do you feel as if you have to pretend either of them, act? Which comes easier?

    ---------- Post added 22nd Feb 2016 at 02:32 AM ----------

    How easily could you let go being boyish/mannish or girlish/feminine?
     
  3. hightides

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    At this state of mind, i really am confused about what answer i should give. This is because i never supported the stereotypical gender rules of either genders. But still, when i feel like a boy, the stereotypical boyish manners are the things that makes me feel good. That's all i can say for now :frowning2: but thank u so very much for ur reply. Really. I just joined emptyclosets today and didn't expect a respond so fast. Thank u
     
  4. hightides

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    And yes.. i thought about it for some time. I really like to act like a guy. And to be honest, i am very gender neutral on the outside most of the times. Yes i dress feminine, do my hair and all, but i don't know how much it counts in my gender identity.
     
  5. InfinityonHigh

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    If you could pick one without any consequences, would you rather be perceived as a guy or a girl? Or something not limited to those two? Do you feel ok with being seen as female? Do you feel ok with seeing yourself as female? Would you be happier being perceived as a guy? Do you sometimes want to be seen as female and sometimes as male? Do you feel any unease with the gendered characteristics of your body? Some stuff to think about, as it seems like you've been focusing more on gender roles, which don't actually determine your gender.
     
  6. Mihael

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    You're welcome, Hightides. It may take a lot of time and introspection to anwser those questions, so don't worry if you don't have an instant anwser.

    There are no right or wrong anwsers, there is nothing you should do or feel.

    I personally don't know if I liked acting boyish. I just did. It's my impulse to do so. I didn't think if I like it, I tried not to, because people told me it's wrong. I identified as a girl and thought everyone is pretending gender. Do you think you know how to be female/male from your guts or not, how to use this body or does it feel like you were put into it in a completely random manner and didn't get the manual?

    I don't know how it is with your relating to female and male characters. It might be that you're impressed by them but don't really feel the same things, it might be that you feel the same things and that's why you relate.
     
  7. hightides

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    Yes u r right. I am focusing more on gender roles. Its just the stuff that boys does... its so cool and i would like to be like them and i like to act like them. It makes me feel easygoing and independent. I relate very well with them in the sense that i can imagine what it must feel like to be a boy, even if i have never felt those feelings. That is what i am saying.
    See.. i hv struggled with my orientation earlier, i thought i was a lesbian but it turns out i am not. But i am not straight too. I realized i am open to everything, ppl's gender doesn't matter to me.
    So that made me nervous about my gender even more. How does it feels to u to be a trans guy? Ur trans right? Don't mind please but i would like to know, although i know that different people experience different things... :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 23rd Feb 2016 at 11:16 AM ----------

    I am asking both of u guys.. infinityonhigh and emerry
     
  8. InfinityonHigh

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    First off, your gender identity doesn't affect your sexual orientation. They're two different things. Although, I suggest that you look up the label pansexual.

    As to your gender identity, I really don't know about you, but I'll just share my own experiences. Honestly I don't really know how to describe "what it's like" to be a trans guy, because I don't know what it's like to be a different gender. It's hard to describe something without a proper comparison. I know however, how I figured out I was trans.

    I remember looking up some quizzes online for "Am I trans?" Although I have to say that some quizzes focus on gender roles, some made me realize that things I did and felt my whole life were "trans" things. I also browsed forums and read the stories of other trans guys and I felt "you just read my mind!!!!" Then I tried some different labels and tested them to see which one I found best suited me. This is a simplified version of how I figured out my gender, and there are probably some details I left out.
     
  9. hightides

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    Yh, gender and orientation are two very different things i know.
    I think i confuse myself because i was brought up in a liberal way and was not forced to perform the stereotypical gender duties. Fortunately, my parents are liberal as well and my frndz are pretty open too. Its just... i need to know myself first before putting on a label(orientation n gender) and coming out to people.
     
    #9 hightides, Feb 23, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2016
  10. TomboyGoth

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    Do you want to act like a man or be a man? That is the question i think. I'm very much of a tomboy and i have struggled with it in the past. There really isn't any good tomboy role models in tv series. The women are always so feminine in the end. And always in every series there is this tomboy woman and then she has to wear a dress in one episode. It just gets on my nerves a lot. I don't want to wear a dress ever. I dress like a man and i act like a man a bit too. But still i am a woman. And i want to be a woman. But i enjoy a lot of cross dressing and gender bending.

    I can't tell you if you are a trans or not. But you might want to start dressing and acting more masculine and just go from there. What feels right for you. And you can actively search for your feelings, what feels good and natural. Society anticipates that you behave accordingly to your gender and so it can get really confusing when you can't quite identify with your gender. For me the right answer was somewhere between being a man and a woman.
     
  11. InfinityonHigh

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    Stop trying to think of gender as gender roles. There are feminine guys and masculine girls. There are also more than two genders.

    You don't have to come out right away, do it when you're ready. Try out different labels and see how they fit. Say to yourself "I am a ___" and see how it feels. Refer to yourself in third person and try out different pronouns. Think of what you want to be seen as. Figuring out your gender takes time, you don't need to rush it.
     
  12. hightides

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    Yep, i am not trans after all. And yeah, i am also a tomboy who likes to act like a guy at times. But i don't enjoy wearing totally masculine clothes. Thank u guys for ur help. I'm feeling much lighter
     
  13. InfinityonHigh

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    Happy to help! :grin:
     
  14. Mihael

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    Yeah, I think I'm a trans guy. Although I'm also somewhere in the middle. Maybe I'm genderqueer. It feels just about normal, tbh. Watch "Matrix" and you'll see. The feelings of Neo in the beginning. I came to the realisation that I'm trans just recently, in the last month. I was wondering for years. I didn't want to be treated like a girl. "Girl" is not what my mind is. The way I'm treated is the only thing that makes me feel like a girl. It's external. So something was off, unnatural for me in it all. Some unlocalised anxiety around gender, not being able to understand other girls' feelings and thoughts, because I don't experience them. Not being able to relate. With men, I have exactly the opposite. Some kind of spiritual connection.

    Nobody has to teach me that, which I find amusing, because my whole life I was trying to learn to be a girl, because I didn't know how to be a girl. It's so freakin' easy to behave like a guy, to be in a guy's role! I don't know, I just have... an instinct. I don't have to pretend it and fabricate it. I feel it. I just know. Like? Dislike? I disliked what I am for a long time. I have feelings and thoughts "inappropriate" for a girl. I feel more like an artificial intelligence embedded to operate a female body than an actual human female with all necessary mental/emotional equipment to understand it. I treat my body in a cold, analytical way, I work out to have muscles and be strong. I can't really relate to women or to being female. When people say "she" I feel like they are talking about my body only, like they are reducing me to my body. I identify with my body, but I don't identify with what it means for most people or what it was "made for". Honestly, I don't really know if I'm just a very hardcore tomboy who in women's clothing is like a crossdressed man or if I'm a trans man. I think the difference is fluid.

    And, I'm gay. I'm a gay guy. It confused me for a long time and I thought I can't feel like a guy, because I don't fulfil the most widespread stereotypes. I don't realte to most trans stories. All the trans tests tell me I'm not trans :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: I was also brought up in a liberal way and have and had open friends. I just don't have the usual feelings of a woman, whatever they are, and have the usual feelings of a man. I don't relate to women, not only to those in movies, but to those in real life. I can't relate to those in real life even more than to those in movies. If I were into women, I would identify as butch, porbably. What stereotypes do I not fulfil, apart from orientation? I'll take a random test and see. I don't mind pronouns either way. I like being called pretty. I don't mind being called a woman (well, physically, I am and I accept it). I don't present as male, I go into female bathroom, because I don't pass. Although I look fairly androgynous. I worked hard to look so and not to get treated like a woman all the time. I sincerely like the androgynous look. I didn't understand that what I feel is feeling like a guy. I wanted female puberty to stop, but I accept my body and want others also to accept it as well. I don't want surgeries, even though I would prefer to be born with different bits, I wouldn't at least be clueless. I don't think hormones are a good idea, because it's too much of an intervention for me. I don't think my body makes me any less male, so I don't consider my body to "not fit" my identity. It's not because I'm particularily into being female. I think my body expresses who I am, because I use it like a man. I don't give a damn about others' ideas what it means to be male. But I'm mentally the same thing as other men. I think I experience my sexuality like a man as well. I didn't like boy clothes and found them ugly and shapeless, and it took me time to accept that to be myself I will no longer look like a girl, and to find the clothing that I would like. I had this stupid idea that there is something wrong with looking like a guy. Now I like looking like a guy very much. And not that I particularily liked seeming to be a girl (actually, I hated it with a passion and tried to signalise that I'm not like the other girls in many ways, and nobody seemed to get it until I stopped reassembling a woman visually beyond doubt), but everyone was telling me it's right to seem to be a girl. I like people to treat me like a guy, and don't really mind if they think I have man bits, but I don't acively want them to think that either, I just want them to know that mentally I am more like a guy.

    ---------- Post added 24th Feb 2016 at 12:59 PM ----------

    Really, I can't tell you what you feel. I thought that I just like acting like a boy for a farily long time. But, yeah, your posts indicate you would like to be like a boy more than you actually relate to guys. How you act or how you like acting isn't really indicative. How it feels is. If you feel like it's real or like you have to stretch a bit and pretend someone you're not to do it.

    In fiction... it's a man-centred culture, so it's no wonder you relate to guys in cartoons, they're more flesh and blood often, the fictional world is shoen from their perspective.
     
    #14 Mihael, Feb 24, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2016