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I struggle identifying myself someplaces...and it bothers me

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by cBri, Feb 22, 2016.

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  1. cBri

    cBri
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    Apologies for the long post.

    Iv always had a fascination with being female. Something inside of me just told me that's what i was, i could never figure out what though. I did secretly crossdress a bit as when i was younger but i don't know if that fully counts. It hasn't been till late last year iv finally felt like iv started to recognize who i think i really am and start my journey. Earlier iv written stories where i'm "female me", and when i get the chance to create a character and represent myself in a video game, i always be female and recreate what i vision myself to look like. Real life wise, iv already been experimenting with cross dressing at school as my first step, and so far iv been feeling really happy doing so! I'm neutral about my body. When i look down while walking (with clothes on) i see a decent looking girl. When i look naked in the mirror (or just stare at myself in a clothes store mirror) to my disappointment, not so much.

    iv come out to my close friends a while back and recently my mother and brother, all are VERY supportive. Especially my mother. Heck, my friends have even started sometime full-time calling me by my new female name. Bri (full-name Brianna but i guess they prefer my nickname). Perhaps a bit early to be giving myself a title, not that iv been using it fully in real life yet. The only times iv really felt normally masculine are sometimes just random and don't last long. But mostly during masturbation, and yes that kind of annoys me.

    Id like to think i'm...starting to be trans? Possibly heading down that path? Maybe someone could prove me otherwise, i'm not sure.
    -------------------
    There is something i just struggle with though, identifying myself among others, even if i feel i'm ready.

    Let me explain: On my steam profile, i'd really like to full time list my real name as "Brianna". post in my custom info box "Hi, I'm Brianna and i main medic in tf2" yknow? But i can never do it! Never. I want people on steam to call me using feminine terms "she" etc, to know my name is Brianna. To look at me as girl.

    But i just can never bring myself to fully do it, even if i know its OK because i feel its OK. I just never fully end up doing it. Something stops me and makes me feel its a privilege. Like i need to cross dress and wear a wig fully for 3 months, otherwise i'm claiming to be someone i'm not. I don't know why this bothers me so much, i just always feel like i'm gonna claim i'm someone i'm not, unless i do some chore. I know its all me taking my time but i'm fine with me writing myself off as Brianna online and elsewhere. But i just never end up doing it for reasons mentioned above! Uhgg, i'm not sure how to get passed it because again it reaaaaallllyy bothers me. I feel like i'm holding back expressing the real me.

    If anyone had any advice, that would be much appreciated. apologies for the lengthy post, i realize reading long rants isn't everyone's cup of tea.
     
    #1 cBri, Feb 22, 2016
  2. Jiramanau

    Jiramanau
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    adopting a more female persona can be both liberating and terrifying. It's not just a switch you flip, it takes time to re-learn habits having to do with your identity. But you're not under obligation to make yourself known, the only person you owe anything to is yourself. And in the beginning it is safer to only tell a few people you really trust what's really going on, if you tell too many people too early it could get spread around and become common knowledge before your ready to deal with that. Living with not knowing who knows what or what people are saying can be tough.
     
    #2 Jiramanau, Feb 22, 2016
  3. cBri

    cBri
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    Thats a really good point! But my main thought pattern goes back to: "When is it ok to tell people anyways?". Now i'm not saying i would openly admit to people randomly. If someone asked my gender..lets say i had to write some info about me on a school assignment. i'd just write myself down as female and if i was talking to another person and they where close enough to me and wanted to know things, i would tell them on my own free will.

    Its more under what circumstances is it proper for me to do so. I'm not trying to rush anything, i'm taking my time, learning more about myself, my situation and experimenting everyday. I appreciate that fact.

    I just can't grasp the concept that it might just be my choice (when i feel its time) on when i can come out and re-image myself (if that's the proper choice of words) to the rest of my family and friends.

    Perhaps its just like if i where to think about "when is it even right for me to call myself trans in the first place?". In my heart i feel i already know the answer but it just...boggles and confuses me.

    I think it safe to say a lot of this gets me sometimes, i wasn't expecting a clear path when i started but man, sometimes i just can't help but wonder.
     
    #3 cBri, Feb 22, 2016
  4. Delta

    Delta
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    There are a lot of stories and news floating around about how girls get treated in online gaming, and I do think it's worse on average. Staying in the closet about being a girl online is even something I do as a vagina owning person when identifying as a girl. I'll tell people on masculine days that I'm a boy, but I'll often skirt the question or avoid answering if I'm a girl, especially if it would make me the only girl in a group.

    But take my words with a grain of salt. That may be because my being socialized as a girl when I was always fluid made me really resent social systems that were very different between sexes. It may feel like annoying treatment to me, but the difference might actually be one you feel fits you better.

    Either way, I think you're very ready to be out on Steam if that's what you want. :slight_smile: I feel the virtual world is a great place to start on exploring your gender and sexuality, because you don't necessarily have to go through the awkward middle phases of transition like in physical life. You choose fully what comes through to other people. So you get to show them who you are, independent of whatever's holding you back. You give them your avatar, that's who they get to see you as. Your name is your name, that they know you as. You get to set all of these things, and that allows you in some way to try out the end stage of what you want for your physical self. That way, before you take some of the difficult steps you might need to get there, you already have a sense of if that end is really the right place for you.

    I think that could be a helpful thing for you, so if you choose to, feel free to come out. This is a great time. You aren't lying to people, you're showing them the you you feel like inside. That's more truthful, in my opinion. :slight_smile:
     
    #4 Delta, Feb 22, 2016
  5. denouement

    denouement
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    I identified myself as male online long before doing anything irl. It made me feel good and was little to no risk on my end, plus it let me feel out if I really liked being referred to woth male pronouns and such. So I say, go for it! You don't need to do anything to like, earn the right or whatever.

    As far as offline, I don't know that there is a "proper time" to come out. My personal plan has been to dress masculinely first in hopes of everyone kinda getting used to it. And then I've just.. started telling people. Introducing myself as a guy and letting them know what pronouns I prefer and so on.

    I think for me the change has been, I was worried what people would think and so on. Now that's being overpowered by enthusiasm for finally being known as myself. Which is pretty cool.

    So... whenever you feel ready. No rush, but from your post it sounds like there's no reason to wait if you're ready :slight_smile:
     
    #5 denouement, Feb 23, 2016
  6. cBri

    cBri
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    Ah yes, thank you for the kind opinions everyone :slight_smile:

    I defenitly feel more certan about identifying feminine in places now, mostly the internet, atleast while i work out all the real life aspects.


    Thanks for the advice :icon_bigg
     
    #6 cBri, Feb 23, 2016
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