I don't really know if I'm allowed to identify as a trans guy. It looked completely as if I were a girl until I hit puberty. I had always thought of myself as of a girl. I liked girly clothing and liked being a girl. I grew up in a quite liberal environment. I think that if somebody listened to my complaints that I'm not into that puberty, then it would be too hard for me to transition anyway. For the sole reason of me thinking I'm a girl my whole life, being socialised as such. I was so much after being accepted that it would have been a horror. I'm not completely bad at being a girl either, I just can't keep up with it my whole life, because I don't feel it, and it's really hard to succeed in something you're not passionate about. As far as my understanding went, I was a girl and felt like a girl. It began to slowly break at some point. From an outsiders point of view, I was just another moaning girl who has to gather herself, and one of her many complaints is period and thinking she's too fat (everything is within norm, right?). I'm not into body hair as well... (on me) If I am a guy - how come was I happy to grow boobs? I mean, I know, I wanted to appeal to guys, I wanted to look like an adult, I viewed myself as a girl and girls have boobs. I was unhappy about hips, though. Pointless. And made for something I was not up to do: childbirths. Really, I am happy I make an attractive woman. Now? Now I am a lot tougher than in teens. I can not give a damn about what people say and do my own job. I'm a lot more... self-contained?
Yes, you do have the right and from previous posts you do sound trans to me. I would say that you are going through a period of acceptance and coming to terms with the grief thst you feel of being born in the wrong body. Pretty much everyone who is trans seems to go through a similar process. You've said in the past that you don't want to transition but it does seem that you might be in a process of coming to terms with your need to do so. Many trans people don't really want to transition but are forced to do so because they realize that otherwise the gender dysphoria will never go away. Keep in mind that gender dysphoria is directly connected with grief and loss and if you do suffer from gender dysphoria, as long as you choose not to transition, you will most likely continue feeling that same emptiness and loss that is so chatacteristic of those going through a period of mourning. Anyway, ultimately, only you can decide what is right for you. Identifying as trans is a personal choice and publically doing so sometimes comes at a huge cost. It is typically a transition label and once you complete the process, you go on to live a relatively normal life and most stop identifying with the label. With this in mind, the question should be not: am I a "trans guy?" but "am I a guy?" And only you know the answer to that question. (*hug*) Eveline
Thank you for your reply, Eveline. (*hug*) I think it has pretty much passed by now. All those feelings are quite intense, especially as I was pushing them away for a long time :/ It's an awful lot of self-realisation going on recently. I was thinking through what you said. To be honest I started checking out what gender transition involves, and I was surprised that I'm actually quite far on the road, just my uderstanding had been a bit limited to the obvious things like medical and legal issues. Generally: *facepalm*. Then, I do need to live outside the female role, and you're right about it. During the last year or so, I have scrambled my life upside down and changed pretty much everything, because I could no longer tolerate it. It's quite sad that I have nothing to come back to, that's why grief. People around me have good relationships from the past, parents don't want them to dress a certain way... I have to begin once again, make efforts to assert my needs that might seem made up to people who knew me earlier. Which is quite hard. I'm sure that in a couple of years it's gonna be better, though So for example I have changed the clothing, mannerisms, voice, roles undertaken, personal relationships, what I do in the romantic scene. And that, being honest, is an awful lot for such a short period of time. And learning everything once again - oh my God... I wish I had just one puberty, one is enough for a lifetime It just makes me angry that I wasn't taught the right thing in the first place, because obviously every female-bodied person is the same in an average person's opinion... So yeah, it might be coming from there. Well, I can cheer myself up that not everything I learnt then is useless. Seeing relationships from the other standpoint? That's quite nice Few people get to experience that and it gives more insight.
Nothing you talked about invalidates your gender. I was happy to have boobs in late middle school / early high school because I wanted to be attractive, and part of being an attractive girl was having boobs, having long hair, dressing fem, etc. so I did all of those things. And I've been uncomfortable with my hips all along too, although I didn't notice it at the time (look back, I noticed that a lot of the clothes that made me uncomfortable were the ones that emphasized my hips). I fit easily into female social roles, because I'm pretty timid, quiet, feminine, etc. Socially, I'm sure I'd make a great girl and have no trouble fitting into the roles, but I'm still a guy. I want to be one physically and I want people to see me as a guy, so I am one, even if I'm feminine and quiet and didn't hate having boobs when I was a teen.
So I'm not alone in that. Fine. Today I'm having doubts again. I pretty much don't understand my gender. I have a natural tendency to behave like a dude. I think like one and can relate better to men mentally, usually. I don't know what I want people to see me as, I want them to have a realistic image of me and that's it. Men's clothing and more masculine mannerisms, tone of speaking - help with it. I don't really want anything from my body either. I like it to be fit and good-looking. That's about it. I mean, obvioulsy many people have gendered expectations from their bodies, but I don't. I don't have trouble saying that I'm a woman. Beacuse in the most widely understood meaning - I am, and I'm fine with it (even though I used not to). Not that I feel particularily like a woman, but I am one and it's fine. I'm fine with any pronouns, tbh. But "he" and "she" mean entirely different things when applied to me, and people sometimes call me "he", even though I didn't come out as trans and didn't ask them to. I can't fit into the roles though. I mean... I can do things like nursing children but it comes with a pain and I'm not terribly good at it. I'm good at lots of manual and artistic things like cooking or dressing fashionably. I think I'm empathic, I can easily read other people's emotions and guess what they think, I can comfort people in a crisis. I'm quiet and charming But I'm also more rational than emotional, aim-directed, challenge-driven, I can often be blunt, tough and I don't care, joke around, display some level of over-confidence, and play rough sports, because I like it. Ah, and also I think about sex more like a man, it's separate from feeling something to someone for me. I'm more of a career woman. I often acidentally find myself doing the same thing as men, probably because of the same train of thought and similar feelings, and enjoy men's company more. But then - who is to tell what a woman should be? Can't a woman be like Margaret Thatcher or Lara Croft? So... I guess I find myself as a "tomboy" and "career woman", all in all. But I'm still unsure of my identity. I don't really have a strong opinion on my gender, I'm not attatched to either any more. ---------- Post added 4th Mar 2016 at 01:59 AM ---------- Maybe I'm genderqueer?
Meh, I don't know. What kind of chick would make efforts to look more androgynous in order to be perceived more as herself, if not a trans person? But what kind of transgender person then? Trans man, androgyne, agender? Maybe the masculine end of androgyne? What do you think? I have no idea.
You still sound like a trans man to me and the doubts that you are feeling seem fairly normal to me. What you wrote in the thread about gender shows a fairly deep uneerstanding of how it feels to be trans. It's unlikely that you would be able to come to such an understanding if you haven't experienced it yourself. It can be hard to trust your instincts especially when you are more of a logical and detail orientated person and it is understandable that you are struggling to accept it. Take your time and be patient, when I first figured out that I was trans, I rushed ahead and tried to move torward with transitioning and that decision lead to a huge amount of pain as I came out to early and I didn't have the tools to cope with the rejection. You have as long as you need to figure things out and I'm sure that in time you will find your answers. (*hug*) Eveline
remember that gender identity does not equal gender expression, and dysphoria is not entirely necessary for transness
I want to look more androgynous on the masculine end, and am going to take some effort in. I'm going to buy some shoes, vests, shirts, pants, and more. I'm getting a haircut too. But I don't know you enough, and gender identity is what you feel YOU are, not how others see you. You can be transmale and look female. Expression isn't identity. Good luck. I like your profile pic too. I love X files.
When I was a kid I never wore frills. Nor pink stuff. Now, I do like cute things! I liked my boops until oh no! Puberty. puberty is the time where the mind makes its decision! Look: you sound very trans to me. And I say good luck, cause it's sure one heck of a ride!
Thank you all for replies @Eveline: (*hugs*) @Nike007: Thanks, X Files rule @HappyPancakes: Thank you too I think... I'm reading the forum, and I'm starting to have an increasing intuition, I don't konw how to name it otherwise, that I'm feeling exactly the same thing as trans men, but just experience it in a non-typical way because of who I am in other aspects, but it's fine, because obviously everyone is different.
