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Military life with questions of my identity.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Rain is Love, Feb 25, 2016.

  1. Rain is Love

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    Just to give a quick background. I am 22 years old, I enlisted in the navy when I was 19 due to wanting to fill a lonely hole and to find myself. I work in medical at a forward deployed unit and everyone in charge of me can see anything I do with mental health care if I go and I don't want them to know. Hard…

    I have always felt wrong about my body, I feel emotionally different from all the men around me, I don't quite click with them. I have always been one to hang out with girls and they have always said that they never feel a sexual tension that guys give off. I know that I find men attractive but I never imagine myself as having sex as a man, always as a woman. I always find myself looking up information on transgendered women, even back from the age of 16. When I have sexual experiences, I always panic when they touch my penis or testicals. I always find myself thinking about cross dressing and my favorite kind of pornagraphy is gender bender themed, starting when about 15-16 because I imagine it as myself.

    My inner struggles come from an already unsupportive father who is homophobic and judgmental. All my pears having access to see my medical care, unless I pay out of pocket 100% and am unable to take medication from them without braking UCMJ or asking my boss for permission. I also want to become a submariner and I'm afraid that dream will be crushed if I want to transition.

    I just don't know.
     
  2. Kasey

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    The first question is do you feel female?

    While it is hard to strictly define that feeling it can come in two ways, which you seem to say.

    1. You seem dysphoric about your male body. That's not a 100% required sign but usually the most obvious indicator.
    2. You bury feelings and try to repress them.
    3. You have jealousy of being trapped and cannot "be you" whether that is clothing and appearance or participate in your desired activities that are perceived as non masculine.

    The military has been going through a lot of changes in regard to transgender people lately however I don't have any concrete examples or firsthand knowledge of the inner workings.

    You seem confident in what you know and feel, but the military aspect I can't help with. Maybe other members know more?.
     
  3. looking for me

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    Hey Rain is love, im not sure how the US Navy is towards transgender people, although im not optimistic. i do know that things are shifting, slowly, and they can get better. look at the Royal Canadian Navy and the CAF in general where openly trans people serve and transtition while on active duty. i hope you can live all your dreams of both transitioning, if that is where you need to go and in becoming a submariner. although you can have life in a tin can, i'll take surface duty, haha.
     
  4. Michael

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    Rain, I'm not familiar with how the US Military works, still I want to tell you that you need to reach out to someone. Your story is a bit like mine : I always knew, but out of fear of rejection and a transphobic enviroment I kept quiet. I did also wanted to have a normal life, and a normal career, and me being transgender and coming out would destroy those dreams... Or so I thought.

    Turns out that me spending so much time inside a closet (I'm on my 30s now) did more damage than good, and that I couldn't advance on my career due to unresolved issues related to gender. I also hurt others with many lies and deceiving them. Being trans is not just a single isolated issue : It permeates everything you do. It brings you down daily to be confronted with an image that has nothing to do with you. It brings you down to be called 'sir' when you need to be called 'miss'. It brings you down because men and women are different, and you get treated like what you are not.

    You need to reach out, at least give a call to a transgender hotline, and tell someone about yourself and your situation, ask them for help, ask for information. Calling a hotline is not a breach of your duty. Use a payphone, use a friend's phone, try the internet, but please don't keep quiet and hope it'll go away, 'cause trust me it won't : You need to take care about it now.

    Do you have any friend IRL you could trust?
     
  5. Rain is Love

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    I can't say I have anyone I would call a friend, people trust me and see me as a friend but I just can't be myself because I just don't know. I have no trust in my peers to accept me, bad experiences just make it hard.

    I don't know what I should do, I will be leaving this environment for 6 months soon, the location will have no mental health services and I'm getting back from operations as it is.
     
    #5 Rain is Love, Feb 27, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2016
  6. Michael

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    I know what you mean when you say you can't be yourself, this affects also your relationships with others, you might feel like trapped on a bubble, incapable of getting out, it's common among transgenders.

    Look, I'm not in the us, but I have looked for you this hotline
    US: (877) 565-8860
    It's called the trans Lifeline, you can look it up if you want.
    I've been on your situation for many years, and if I could go back in time and take action, I sure would. Just give them a call. They have information about how to deal with it, and also addresses to reach out IRL. I think you are brave you finally told someone, even if it's us through the internet, and I'm trying all I can to help you.
    I came to EC a while ago, and they gave me the very same advice : Reach out IRL, step by step. It's the best advice, trust me, and now I'm in a very different place.

    We all go through bad experiences, and we overcome them in time. My 20s were awful, and I don't wish such a thing to happen to anyone. Nobody is to blame for what is going on, it's just us, and we'll see the time and age when being transgender won't make such a difference. We are just normal people, and got nothing to be ashamed of. Cis people were born that way, we earn our gender, so we are way stronger than they think.

    Will you try to reach out? As I've said, I'm not in the us, so that's all I can give you right now...
     
  7. Rain is Love

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    Thank you, it means a lot. I promise I will give a call. I'm almost tearing I'm sorry.
     
  8. Michael

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    Please, don't be sorry, I'm trying to help you because I know how hard it is to give the first steps.
    One day you will help somebody else, I know.

    Keep strong and brave. You seem to me a very nice person.
     
  9. Rain is Love

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    I tried to get to a place alone to make the call and I wanted to make the dam call. I froze I started to ball up so I stopped…

    Now I'm starting to cry, I never cried for no reason until lately. I don't think I'm
    ready but I'm starting to feel tired. I just wish the navy would release it ruling for trans* treatment so I know if I can have both in my future.
     
  10. Michael

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    Rain, it's you only you must decide when you are ready. It feels overwhelming at first, but you need to try and calm down.

    Why are you crying, and why do you say you've been crying for no reason?

    You can't force the army to change their policy, but you can try to make your life better, that is up to you, and we'll try to help the best we can.
     
  11. Rain is Love

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    I feel ashamed with who I am. I don't know why, I just feel blurry and emotional when I try and say it.

    The navy's currently adjusting a policy for identity protection under guidelines. "Supposedly" coming out around now.
     
  12. Michael

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    I don't know what color your eyes are, but do you feel shame about them?
    Being transgender is not something you decided, it's something that is part of who you are, the way you were born. Society doesn't act normal when gender or sex are involved, but a doctor who examines a patient acts normal, otherwise he can't make a diagnosis. You should see yourself not as others might see you, but as a doctor, so you can deal with what is going on. It could be that you are seeing yourself as others see you, that is not being fair to yourself.

    That is good then, but you shouldn't wait for something to happen, unless you are willing to spend the next ten years feeling like you do now. How do you think you'd feel living that life?
    This is also about others. Women will get closer to you if you are presenting as male, and they'll expect a man. Your family might pressure you to go out with girls. You'll hear 'sir' wherever you go. Other males will treat you like another man. Do you think you can deal with that while you wait for the military to take a decission that they might prefer to leave rotting around in some random desk for years?

    I'm not trying to scare you, or make you feel bad, I'm telling you how life is when you delay and postpone out of fear.
     
  13. TobaccoFlower

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    Hey, I JUST got out of the navy (former CTM2 here!) and I totally get it but now that I'm out I realize that this is much more important to me than the job I HAD.
    I would start in on ask whether you REALLY want to be a submariner or not, but I get it.
    I came out to a few of my coworkers in the shop and even my chief and of course I got a few stupid replies but it helped to know I wasn't alone. Especially in that environment. Your orders are already solid?
    Don't be pressured though!!
    You're allowed to be in the closet ESPECIALLY in a place like that.
    Would you like to talk to me about it? This is my FIRST place I went to question my gender and just know you're not alone. there is a HIGH percentage of trans people in the military. IF that's what you believe you are! No matter what I am just so glad to meet another sailor who is questioning.
    May I ask where you're stationed or where you'd be going?
     
  14. Mr Spock

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    This is actually something I'd be really interested in knowing about because I had thought about doing army ROTC at college but I don't know how that would work since I'd also like to start transitioning in college too. If anyone could tell me how this works or a website for trans people in the military that would be great. :grin:
     
  15. Rain is Love

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    I am applying for it with C-Way at the moment, Sub Yoman being the top for cross ratting. Currently Yoman as a billet is a "Hotfill" along with its Sub rate.

    Currently I distrust my coworkers on an ethical level. Just to give an example, while I was away for an operation, my co workers convinced the building manager that I wanted to move room, after his blessings they took all my belongings and threw it into a new room, a room that I'm getting kicked out of anyways because this command won't let 1 up and one down be roommates .When I say throw, I mean shit all over the bed and my blues were in a trash bag when I got back, shit just everywhere.

    I did not have a room key to my own room for a few days and half of my shit was locked up in the other room and they still had gear locked in the room they gave me.

    Trash and cockroaches everywhere.

    Worst part not even a verbal cousaling. They did it because they wanting to be head mates with a friend.


    Sorry still mad, were you able to start treatment in he military? How did trycare deal with it? Also VA because you got out?
     
    #15 Rain is Love, Feb 28, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2016
  16. TobaccoFlower

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    That needs to be taken up the chain of command. The captain needs to hear about that, I'm not joking. Something like that happening on the Howard would have gotten people masted or kicked out. That's FUCKED up.
    Uh, so far I am not medically transitioning and I know that now with the trans ban being lifted they will have a whole lot more new rules about the whole process.
    You aren't in San Diego, are you? The community has a trans community of active duty military and I love those girls to death. They would be (not only EAGER but) highly able and willing to help you if you're around there. If you message me or post to my profile I can keep in touch with you about how the VA deals with things where I am out in Texas right now.
     
  17. MsEmma

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    Rain, Retired Marine Corps judge advocate here (Yes, I'm old) but new to the community.. If you get in a bind regarding harassment or anything like that, you let me know. There are new regs coming... Keep your head down for now at your command, but use this community as a way to vent and seek help. You're not alone!
     
  18. ConfusedSailor

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    Hey Rain Is Love. Active duty here and in much of the same situation. I'd love to chat sometimes. Reach out to some of the hospital folks. They are stating to get many groups together about this issue
     
  19. TobaccoFlower

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    Hey, ConfusedSailor, thanks for the add, you should do some more posting and try to incorporate yourself a bit more and try to get PM up if you feel like you need to talk privately, but I'm glad to see a new face on here!

    Are the corpsmen really putting LGBT groups together?!
     
  20. MsEmma

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    Here's an upcoming documentary on trans life in the military, called "Transgender, at War and in Love."

    [YOUTUBE]zN7VSeja1dw[/YOUTUBE]

    I wish I had been brave enough to be out as trans on active duty... Le sigh. So many wasted years. Keep kicking ass, folks.

    Semper Fi,
    Emma