So, I properly came out to my mother on Tuesday morning. I left her a letter the night before, because I knew I wasn't ever going to build up the confidence to talk to her in person. So I did it, I was brave and I left it for her. I finally did it. I thought, that she would be okay with it. I knew my dad would. He's always said, regardless of who I am or what I do, he'll support me through it and he'd hurt anyone who upset me. I was worried about my mum though, but I thought, that she would just want me to be happy, as she has always said. But, I wake up on the Tuesday, she's gone to work, no sign of the letter being left for my dad, and that's that. I get a message a few hours later saying she took the letter with her and that she would explain why when she saw me, but didn't want my dad to see it. Which upset me. It put me on edge all day. I haven't seen her since. But she messaged me yesterday and we argued over text. I asked her the reason why she wouldn't let my dad know and she dodged the question. I then said that I don't see why she can't accept it, when she knows how upset and depressed I am. Still dodged it. She then knocked on my bedroom door earlier, and is acting as if nothing has happened. Like, I haven't told her. Now, I tried to speak to her, but my dad was around. And I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Like, maybe she is protecting me from something, but I can't figure out what. Regardless, from all the signs I know that she isn't going to accept this. So where do I go from here? I'm 17. I've already wasted too many years trying to pretend this isn't real. I've told my closest friends, and am going to tell the rest of my group soon. But can I genuinely do this without any support from my parents? If so, where do I go? What do I do? Any help whatsoever! Thanks! And sorry for it being long!
You can't control how well or not your parents might react to this, your mum might need some time to process it. Unfortunately, there really is no magic wand that you can wave over people to make them accepting of you, it would be nice though. All I can really say about it is to give them time, try a week or so before bringing it up again with your parents. There really is no deadline you have to meet with coming out to people, take your time.
I am sorry it didn't go as well as expected, I agree give her a bit of time to process. Its likely she isn't sure what to say and is avoiding saying anything at all so that she doesn't say something wrong... Even if she or they don't come around you can absolutely go on being who you are and proud of it. It is more difficult without family support, but acceptance isn't always determined by blood. Surround yourself with people who support you and can be a soft place for you to fall if things get rough, it sounds like you have a good start and a mature outlook.
Consider the following factors. - have you even come out about liking the same sex in the past? (If not think of it like going 0 to 100 today she thinks your a boy who likes girls now you are a boy who is a girl at heart and you like men) - how well can she take "bad" news, has she ever "shut off" when family dies, gets ill or when having financial problems? How would you compare her response to her past emotional responses. - did you give off visible hints or was your emotions well bottled until this braking point? (Going back to that 0 to 100) - Is she homophobic somewhat in her upbringing? (She may be reevaluating her whole view on that upbringing) - is she good at talking about "hard" topics with your father? With all the factors above to consider and you being 17 and I assume living in or near home, how is she handling it compared to other really hard news. What's her normal acceptance time and try to work with it if it's less than a few weeks. If she takes months, I would consider verbally speaking to both parents, don't bring up the note to avoid tensions from it, it helps if you have a reasonable plan with big news as a form of solution and how support will help you.
I'm not sure if this is relevant to your situation, but in the cases where my mom wasn't supportive like I wanted her to be, it was a problem of the era she was born into. My mom was born in 1955. Stonewall didn't happen until 69, so her early years didn't even really have acknowledgement of queer people at all. When modern gender theory was coming up and opening options it wasn't until the late 70s and 80s. My parents were in the Peace Corps or abroad in the 70s, and raising my sisters and really not involved in anything that would expose them to that in the 80s. Their understanding was rooted in the discriminatory past even if they themselves were never against queer people. So when I came out as gay, their understanding of the concept was based in the cruelty and oppression of the 1960s. They didn't hate gays or disapprove or wish they had a straight child instead. They were scared for me, because everything they knew about LGBT rights came from the news about lynchings or beatings they heard earlier in their lives. That's why my mom told me "you don't know what that means" when I first told her I was gay at age 12. I didn't know what it meant to her, it meant a life of struggle and pain from her perspective. It meant something entirely different to me, because it means something different now. When I came out as gender fluid, my mom was pretty much silent. That's because it wasn't yet an existing concept when she was young. The words literally meant nothing to her. Not because she doesn't care or doesn't approve, just because she had no modern social context to understand this with. When I went through some education with her, and explained to her what it really means for me to be gay and gender fluid in today's world, and gave her some context on the feminist theory this was based on and how it's treated societally, she instantly became 100% more supportive. She just needed some help to understand it that I wasn't aware she needed, because the concepts have been around my whole life so I thought they were more common knowledge than they are. It can be a struggle, and I'm not sure if this will help, but this is what finally helped my situation after almost 10 years of me being confused about why she wasn't more supportive.
