Hey guys. I've been having tech problems so I haven't been able to converse with anyone who could understand, but I've been having a horrible last two weeks emotionally. I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown and I'm trying to take it slow, but there's way too many problems right now. I started a new school and though I put down my preferred name I'm not being called by it for some reason (something like it has nothing to do with my birth name whatsoever) and while I want to fight it, I feel like I can't deal with the stress or the judgment it could bring. Which brings me to my other problem. There's more guys at school than girls and I feel... intimidated and basically less than because I identify as bigender (male and third together) but when I'm around other men I feel like I'm not - I guess worthy or similar. I've never really had proper male role models in my family so I have nothing to go off of and everyone around me is so confident and outspoken, and I feel like I can never be part of this. I feel pressured into just going backwards and I can't do that, but it feels like moving forward is impossible. Yet I know I'm not a girl. I don't feel like a girl. I can't relate to girls mostly. And it upsets me being linked in with them, but I get scared of being linked in with the boys because I am soooooo different and I know I have nothing to prove to anyone, but it feels like if they find out or if I tell someone I'm gonna have to prove something. I suppose school wouldn't be so much of a problem since it's not much of a social place (I go to a very unique charter school), but at home I'm still not being called my preferred name either. I came out two months ago and I don't expect quick results, but they say they support me, but my family thinks they understand when they don't and they're people who don't like to LISTEN, making it impossible to make them understand. I'm just too depressed and exhausted to even correct the name anymore. So I don't know what to do and I feel like I'm losing my optimism. I don't want who I am to be "hidden" or pushed into the background, but it seems like I just can't get out of that and that I'm being thrust into a limbo. I can't even get into local support groups because of my school schedule isn't normal and I go to school during the times the support group is happening.
I'm not sure if I can give you good advice right now, but could you make up a nickname of your birth name that sounds masculine or at least gender neutral and put that down as your preferred name? For example using Em instead of Emily. Would not be perfect but I'm guessing better than getting called your birth name constantly. I found that sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone to achieve things, transition-wise. Have you told the staff at school why you have put down a different preferred name? Do they know you're not cis? If not then talk to them about it, what can they do besides saying no? I've been on T for a few months and I don't always feel like "one of the guys" either, I still feel most comfortable around women and gay guys and I think that's fine. I don't wanna be part of a hyper-masculine group anyway. Try to surround yourself with people who you actually wanna be with, whether that is in an after school club or a hobby outside of school. And remember, you are always worthy!
Thanks AaronV. I know sometimes if not often I may have to get out of my comfort zone and I have told one of my teachers I'm trans, but I don't think she knew what it was, although I don't see her every day. The hard part about trying to switch things up is that I have a binder I have to carry everywhere with me at school due to policies (I go to a somewhat stricter, unique school) and it has my birth name written on it in big bold letters. I will definitely see if I can get a more masculine nickname off it though and see if that sticks. I would love to join an after school club, but I don't think I'd be able to join until next school year because this year's almost over. (I'm not sure how Germany does their schooling, but in the US most schools start their year in September and end in June). I can look into it, but I doubt fate will be on my side in that regard, so I must maintain patience. Thank you for that. I really need to hear/read that.
I don't have any good advice for you, but I just wanted to tell you that you're amazing and to plow on! You deserve to be you, and everything will get better, especially when you have control of where you live and the people you interact with. Getting out of high school is awesome. You were the first person to respond to my first - very panicky - thread, and your reply was so warm and nice and just what I needed. You made a difference in my life and I really appreciate it. You're such a bright person. You just have to find your niche, and you will, sooner or later. Good luck!
Oh my god, I've been feeling really emotional the last few weeks and this has almost brought me to tears. Whew. Thanks PennyT, I really appreciate. Sometimes kind words and encouragement really is just the best advice, so thank you very much. I'm really happy to hear I could make a good impression and difference for you. :icon_redf That's also a very encouraging thing for me and another reminder to keep moving on somehow. I think part of my problem is when I finally know what I want I'm too impatient to wait for it and I try to be too productive too fast, so maybe taking a step back will help. Again, thanks. (*hug*)
Ah, that binder thing sucks. :/ Sorry about that. Yeah, our school years work generally the same over here, but I forgot because I'm not in school anymore. I agree with Penny though, you seem like a bright and smart person. The club thing can be your project for next year and until then, find your niche. Maybe a small group of students and teachers who you can trust and who will see you for who you truly are. I wish you all the best!
