I don't know what I am??

I always knew I was female, until I finally repressed it around 17. I then questioned from 18-19, and knew I was either female or non-binary. Some part of me just knew I was female, but I was hoping it wasn't true. I was scared of being a trans woman.

I asked myself how I wanted to look, and how I wanted people to see me and treat me. I wanted to look absolutely female, except I didn't care about how my genitals looked. So I knew medical transition was for me. I knew I wanted hormones and FFS to look as female as possible. I wanted people to see me as a woman, and treat me as a woman. That's how I figured out I'm just a woman. I sometimes feel more masculine or more feminine, but I understand that as just my style changing, not my gender. It feels right every day to call myself female. It also feels like a relief. It feels good to say it. It feels so right every time someone calls me 'miss', 'lady', 'girl', etc. or refers to me with female pronouns.

As for your boyfriend, anything could happen with him. It's possible he'll be totally supportive and still be attracted to you and want to stay your partner. Reactions like that are not unheard of. He might be supportive, but also also confused and bewildered about what this means for you as a couple. He might not want to be your partner anymore.

The worst possibility is that he reacts negatively.

Are you interested in medical and social transition? If you are, I would recommend going for it and finding people who love you for who you really are. You might already know some. Some relationships you might lose, but in my opinion that means they were toxic anyway.

Transition can come at an immense cost, but not transitioning can too.

 

In short words, I myself found most of the advice not too helpful - which is alright, everyone is different and sometimes it's harder to relate. So maybe try my "definition" and see whether it makes any sense for you.

I "know" not because I feel a woman inside or anything like that. Like you say in your post, I have no idea what it's like to feel any different than, well, me. So I'm going the other way around: how uncomfortable living as male makes me? Could I continue and be happy? Do I feel good with my body? Would I be able to identify as non binary perhaps, and be happy with that? Or does my discomfort with being male go further than that. What if I know that I'm very concious of some male features of mine (voice, genitalia, facial features and hair)... do I feel like dealing with those problems would make me happy?
I feel extremely unhappy living as male, and all possible solutions to that only seem to feel "right" when I imagine myself as a woman - and that's how I would describe knowing you're trans from my perspective, through how the way I'm perceived socially and physically makes me unhappy and want to change it.

 

What makes you think you dislike your body because it's not female? It's normal for guys to like some feminine things, and nearly everyone feels uncomfortable during puberty. I'd recommend considering why you want to be female, and trying to evaluate if you're actually feeling dysphoria. Maybe keep a journal of all of your thoughts relating to your gender, or talk to a therapist.

 

A therapist who works with a lot of trans people should be able to help.

Until then, these simple questions might give insight:

Are you uncomfortable in your own skin?
Are you uncomfortable with how people see you?
Is the idea of changing your style or body comforting (ignoring the possibility of negative reactions)?
Is the idea of people seeing you as X gender comforting (ignoring the possibility of negative reactions)?

With these questions I'm trying to gauge your interest in transition. A lot of trans people desire to transition, so if it sounds great I'd strongly suspect you're trans, but even if it doesn't sound interesting, you might still be trans. With your posts here, it sounds like you might be trans, and it's worth looking into. A gender therapist would be the best help in figuring this out, but feel free to stay on Empty Closets and talk about it.

And to rephrase my other post here:

I wanted to look female and have people see me as female. That's how I knew I wanted to transition. Besides this, it felt right to consider myself one of the many women in the world. And with all that, I came to identify as female.

 

I felt the same way when i was younger, i used to like a lot of femminine things and i liked to wear more feminine clothes a lot of the time, but my dad always yelled at me when i showed interest in anything like that and my classmates made fun of me a lot so i repressed my feelings and tried to ignore how i felt for several years. Then a few years ago i started to question wether i was transgender but i was very unsure and then i found out about gender fluidity then i knew that i was gender fluid.
Sorry i kind of went off topic but anyway i hope this helped.