So, lately I've been experiencing a lot of dysphoria and depression. Mainly when I think about myself after transition, or when I'm aroused. When I think about living as a beautiful girl, and falling in love with another girl (etc.), it make's me feel really sad, lonely, and dysphoric. It's come to a point where every time I think about the future, it makes me feel really lonely, sad, and depressed. I'll get a sudden burst of emotion here I just want to smile and hug something (it always end up being a pillow), and after the emotion goes away I feel so lonely and sad. Like, I really wish someone was there for me to hug, instead of a pillow. There are so many moments where I wish I was post-transition and that my dream-girl was real and in my life. Another problem is, and I'll be honest, when I orgasm. I do masturbate, and see myself as female the entire time, and that seems to make me feel worse. It's a thing that happens, and it makes me feel really depressed and miserable afterwards. In general, it seems like more and more things I do regularly make me feel really dysphoric, sad, depressed, and lonely. Why am I becoming so miserable? My life that I have to live for the time being is really making me miserable, and I can't do anything to change it. Both for my protection, and because of inaccessibility. I don't get it. :icon_sad: :help: :icon_redf :eusa_doh:
Aww... I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I know the feeling too well. (*hug*) Dysphoria has an element of mourning to it, acceptance leads to taking down any barriers that were protecting you from the loss that is inherent in being born with the wrong body and it can hurt. It will become easier with time and once you start HRT things are supposed to get much better. Much hugs and I hope you feel better soon, Eveline
