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A little help (please? im horribly confused)

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Nick Wright, Mar 1, 2016.

  1. Nick Wright

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    The State That's Shaped Like a Gun
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Out Status:
    Some people
    so things have been sorta rollar-coastery lately. i havent been having a great time with pretty much anything since my grandparents - most namley my grandpa is still sick, and my mom is always complainig about it. scheduling for my therapist was rough and i just got to see her for the first time, i only saw her one time during Feburary since she was so booked.

    My dog might have a brain tumor and he's only seven years old. Great. I only fear what'll happen if he's gone and his brother's still arond since they're littermates and herrmergod.

    My periods are acting up and my birth control isnt working all the time and i have pains and cramps and pain is painful.

    and especially when my periods happen im really depressed and unhappy with my body, and i really hate myself. i really was off to a good start for a while, and i was okay with not being on the fourm since i labled myself as 'pansexual' and even though i just called myself pan and i didnt know what else i was (like my gender, i have no idea what i am and i dont know if i ever will).

    But i still want a penis. i still hate myself whenever i have to masturbate and its not the 'real thing' - i know i'm not going to have sex with some random guy or girl - cause well for various reasons i dont even know people. i dont have a car, i dont have any place to drive myself. i rely on my parents. my godforsaken parents who are in their 50s and old and im 18 and not in school and hate my body and unhappy with myself and masturbate because i cry to myself and feel like im going to die tomorrow if i dont get my feels out.

    i literally just play pokemon and sleep all day. thats what i do. oh and write drabbles & oneshots if i feel up to it.

    i dont know though, if one day i should have top surgery or not because the thought of it has always scared me (not because im afriad of making a big chocie, but my mom never takes anything seriously and i dont think she's ever going to think of me as mature enough and is able to 'let go'. she's already in deep enough shit with my grandparents, and im getting heart surgery in april. my brother-in-law whose a trans-guy said that its bad for your cholosetral/heart to take testosterone... so, since i have heart problems does that mean i cant EVER take testosterone/transition?!)

    Being in the the wrong body somedays makes me feel freaking sucidal again. And that terrifes me because ive been to a mental hospital and it didnt do shit. It felt like hell, and i dont want to go back. I begged my therapist not to take me back there because god so help me if i do - i dunno. -cries-

    please, help. cause no one here is. i dont even know what i want anymore.
     
  2. bassboss

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    pottstown
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    He
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    Other
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    Out to everyone
    Well I have been in the same boat as you before and have felt empty or want to die I have also been to mental hospitals before and I know they sucks but probably for a different reason than you if your feeling suicidal. But I have felt that way before and it's not fun I relly is the worst thing ever and with all these problems your listing life may seem bad and I know how it feels to not be able to do things you want to do and that you deserve. Non of this you deserve and if life has taught me anything its that for some dumb reason every bad thing happens at the same time but if things are happening now then they won't happen later. And I'm not a doctor so I can't say if what your brouther says is true but what I can tell you is that what you have is special and you are special no matter what's wrong no one's perfect and if you ask me being a guy isn't all its cranked up to be you smell bad if you don't shower like 3 times a day, your hair gets greasy and your voice sounds like someone's playing with the pitch all the time. And I your really want to feel like a male (like below the belt) I know that dose not need testosterone to be there but stay strong your whole life is not a series of unfortunate events
     
  3. Delta

    Full Member

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    I've been to a mental hospital twice. First time was fucking useless, waste of my time. Waste of my parent's money. Second one was in a different hospital, better staff, longer stay. It helped me quite a bit, got me on meds that make me at least stable. Some places are good, and some are really, really not. Things that didn't help you before probably won't help unless circumstances have changed, so perhaps you could investigate different types of counseling and see if there's one that seems to resonate with your needs. I really benefitted from a niche type of counseling that sounds kind of wishy washy and new age-y but, hey, it worked pretty well. It's a better option overall than giving up or just laying there and suffering. In this case, it's better to have it very personal to you and yourself, because you're the one whose life it aims to improve.

    On the heart thing, it really depends on the nature of your heart condition and where your cholesterol is pre-transition. You may be able to proceed or take a lowered dose, but only a doctor who has your charts would really be able to know that.

    And being in the wrong body is agonizing. I don't even know where to turn because with everything fluid, there's nothing I can permanently change about myself that I don't like other times. It's stressful. I really feel for you, and even if I can't make anything better, well... here's camaraderie.
     
  4. jaska

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    new zealand
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You just have to keep remembering, all the time, that there are thousands of other transgender guys in the world feeling the same dysphoria, me included. So you are not alone in your feelings, all our feelings are in the same boat. Hugs help, talking to people you love or have the same problems are good too. Even if you just want to stay in your room all day or do shit on the intranet, then stay in close touch with people,like don't play candy crush, instead go on EC or watch YouTube or Skype friends. Or if you listen to music, find out about the band/musician and watch interviews for instance, hell, even write them a letter tell them how awesome their music is! Just don't isolate yourself, no matter what, it'll destroy you and it's the best advice I can give anyone....hahah even if I don't take my own advice.:eusa_doh: Also, can you find away around not masturbating might help? Distract yourself or just watch porn, maybe?
    As for doctors, they're a bunch of hoons so take care of yourself, make sure you get exactly what you ask for and don't take no shit from anyone. And if you can, try to get one hormone blockers, they should work way better for shark months and you get the bonus of no more estrogogen which gives you a bit more piece of mind....Look after yourself:thumbsup:
    And now a list of stuff......................Take it slow, find beauty in small things, take a giant bubble bath, climb a tree, make bread, master a song on an instrument, plant some carrots, bear cuddle someone, do some activism, write a book, learn about local wildlife, make a smoothie OR spend the whole day in a pillow fort daydreaming and drinking milk:icon_bigg

    Im gonna go to sleep now so Im too tired to go through editing and taking out all the useless stuff I wrote either so there you go, hope it helps(*hug*)(&&&)
    Also, bassboss is bang on about bad stuff happening at once and then it not happening after, so I bet you that pretty soon you'll find something that'll make you smile, and that's what you keep living for:icon_wink
     
    #4 jaska, Mar 2, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2016