Word vomit of my last 5 years of feelings.

Since I was about 14 (I’m 23 now) I’ve had this underlying discomfort with my sex, and a desire to have a male body. It’s usually manageable since my desire to be perceived as male socially is not as strong, and I am terrified about make the wrong decision or making it worse, so I haven’t done much besides research heavily. I can go months sometimes without feeling bad at all, but eventually I will just break down (which has prompted me to write here). I worry, because as I am starting to long for more intimate relationships, I feel particularly uncomfortable with being perceived attractive as female. Most of my sexual fantasies involves me having a male body and I am freaked out about being penetrated. This makes relationships with men difficult for me to feel comfortable with because of societal expectations. And with women, while I can usually avoid the expectation of penetration, I still struggle with the being perceived attractive as female thing and don’t fully enjoy a lot of attention to my female body.

I feel as if I should be taking some sort of action to solve this (at least just talking to a professional), but I am often paralyzed by fear. I scared of talking to someone in person. I worry about being wrong, about never being able to actually be satisfied, or having a convincing male body. It seems like a lot of work for something that might not work or meet expectations, especially when recently I have times when I feel like I could be okay (objectively I know I have an attractive body, so that sometimes helps convince myself that I’m fine). I hate these times too though, because I then feel that it was a phase that is over, and now I can move on and fully embrace being female, but eventually the feelings come back all at once. I sort of liked it better when it was more constant, but not as strong and in the background (I certainly didn’t cry as much then). I’m sort of worried that either way, I’ll be alone forever.

Anyway, this is mostly just a rant after crying this out for the last half an hour, and the first time I’ve really written my feelings all out, so I’m hoping it’ll help me do something.