So, last night I had an email confirmation from MORF saying I was successful in requesting a binder. For those that don't know, MORF is charity that gives out old binders to other trans guys that can't afford them/buy one for themselves, and only needing to pay for postage. I was so happy, finally I'd be able to see what I looked like flat chested. I could finally look in the mirror after all these years. I couldn't wait. Anyway, I went to pay for it, to find out that my card wasn't being accepted. I can't figure out why. So, I asked my friends if they could order it for me and I'd give back the money. They all said they couldn't for one reason or another. And now I am left feeling crushed. I don't know what to do. Every time something goes right on this journey, something goes horribly wrong and it leaves me feeling even worse than the last time. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel this whole thing needs to be put to bed, and live the rest of my life as a woman. It's so ridiculously hard to say that, and I'm so incredibly depressed and hurt all the time. But I don't think I have got any more fight left in me to do this. I just wanted to get all of this out of me, so I can move on. And it's easier writing it on here than talking to someone. So, this is the end of Malig. Goodbye all, and thanks for the advice and support people have given me. Peace!(&&&)
Malig, this is a long process. You're going to have ups and downs, and yes it's going to feel like the entire world is out to get you at times. So often I think to myself I'd be better of just dropping every trans issue and leaving everything the same. Just stop the changes, stop the transitioning. It'd be easier... but I'd be miserable. It's not impossible to suppress the urges to match your whole self with your identity. It's self-destructive and agonizing. The upset you feel right now about not being able to afford the postage for your binder? Imagine that feeling and multiple it by a hundred. You know that's what you want right now. So what about in the future? These thoughts are very unlikely to go away and are just going to haunt you, and you're going to try to ignore them because you feel like it's hopeless to continue, but you know it's what you want and need. Instead of the world telling you you can't have that binder or do certain things, it'll be yourself. Backing away from everything and giving up is letting the world win and letting yourself lose. It seems easier, but in actuality, it's going to be much harder to resist who you naturally are and when we do things like that, it's the greatest self-harm one could ever commit because of the damage it inflicts on us emotionally and mentally. You have every right to be who you are. You deserve to be who you are. Unfortunately you may have to force patience - this is coming from someone who isn't very patient so I can feel your pain on that remark - but patience will always be better than never getting anything. Besides, once you finally get that binder and you wear it for the first, you're probably going to feel so many good feelings that you're going to be beyond happy to know you waited. As for your card, maybe you should check to make sure you do have enough money in it and if that's not the issue, call the company or your bank. And make sure you're definitely typing the numbers in right if you're doing this transaction online. Sometimes they require spaces or dashes ( - ) between very group of number or the numbers have to just be one group together. You can also contact MORF probably and ask them if you're doing something wrong or if you can get help doing this. Something's the hardest problems with the cards have the simplest, dumbest answers. And if worse comes to worse, contact MORF to see if they can let you wait however long you need in order to come by the money to pay for postage. Please, please, please, don't give up or leave. You only just started, Malig!
That was a read, i guess. More objective version. - Go online, log into your account check funds. - If funds are available, call the company. - If it is a master/debt/credit/Visa issue, adjust to such if possible. - If funds are not available, when is the next check coming in? - If money is ungodly tight, reevaluate your whole checking books and find something you don't need or use and drop it. - Food habits can destroy you financially if money is tight, be more strict with affordable over convenient food, to take the edge of the cost off. If the "support" is non supportive. Find ways to improve yourself as a person for both your subject (mental demons) or objective (financial, health and living stability) points as a person. I hate to be a dick about it :/
