Hi everyone. So I've been on testosterone for almost two years now. When I look in the mirror I feel like I can relax and be like "alight cool I'm a dude." But when I'm not looking at myself I feel like my body is so inherently female and it's really getting to me. I just keep thinking how it will always be female and I was wondering if anyone else has had this problem. It's like it's haunting me or something. It's hard to describe. It feels like my past and girly and just like I'll never escape it. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense :/
I know what you're talking about. I haven't found a remedy. But in case you had as similar tendency as I have, to disconnect it, that is not a good idea for many reasons. I just bite the bullet, acknowlegde it, it hurts, I let it flow, and once experienced, it fades away. I also contemplate gender in my head and once I have fragmented the concept into pieces (Judith Butler, I recommend her in that matter), I no longer can honestly say to myself that "inherent gender" exists at all and it really calms me down. I also contemplate the concept of false duality.
I have yet to be out/on T but when I'm feeling dysphoric I go hard at it in the gym. It serves as a distraction. Maybe that can help?
I've been on T for just about 2 years now, and I sometimes will get this feeling as well. I actually learned something in my intro to religions studies class that has helped me with this. While learning meditation, we learned that you have to acknowledge how you feel, recognizing that what you are feeling is real, and then let that feeling flow through you. This has made it more of a discomfort in the moment thing for me instead of a discomfort all of the time thing.
I've been experiencing this a lot lately, but I think this inherently comes from me currently in the informing more and more people and social transitioning period, which makes everything more real. I try not to completely ignore it as that can make things worse as times progress, so there are two possible options. If it's mild just find a distraction like others have mentioned. Going to the gym or meditating, drawing, writing, biking, walking, music, videos. Hole load of things to do. I hear meditation is really great. Secondly, if it's not just mild then it's probably something you need to work out; think about what you're doing or what's happening in that moment that's making you feel like that. Most of the time (at least coming from my experience) it's triggered by something however subtle. See if you can adjust it or find a way to keep it from nagging you. For example, recently I found out I was being triggered by something in my room, which I bought about a year ago in my attempt to make myself more feminine-like while I was trying to conform to standards, and I realized every time I looked at it that it made me feel kind of upset that I couldn't ever be that person I was trying to be in the past and that pressure brings in all kinds of nasty dysphoria. So I threw it away and I've been feeling a fairly better, and I certainly don't miss that knick knack. Sometimes it's the simplest things that bug us and make us feel trapped in an inescapable place.
