Not exactly sure as to the intention of this, but here goes. I've been very saddened and discouraged lately, to the point of breaking down in tears. I just have to see one picture of a guy that I admire. Not necessarily someone I'm attracted to, just some guy that I happen to like for whatever reason. I see his face, his body, clothes, smile, hair. I can hear his voice in my mind. And he's just so... male. Regular male, man, masculine, normal guy. Then the though comes into my mind... I will never be like that, will I? I'm not going to get that beautiful normalcy that a cisgendered man gets. The regular boyhood and puberty, all blooming into manhood. No, I have this... this curse of a body that torments me day and night which I cannot escape from and keeps dragging me down to hell. Honestly I don't care about anything else. I don't want anything else. I just want to be a normal guy. Why can't have that? Why does it have to be such a damn struggle? Why do I have to lose everything just to live? I just want to wake up one day without feeling breasts against my heart. I want to feel the hair on my skin and face, the muscles in my body, the Adam's apple in my throat, the dick in my boxers. I want to wear clothes that fit me, I want to have short hair and have to shave the beard off my chin each morning. I want to be a father, a brother, an uncle. I want to be able to introduce myself as "Alec" in a voice which doesn't make me feel like vomiting. I want to grow old as a man and die as a man. But I am so stuck right now and it is killing me. I can't cope anymore. I apologize if this seems like a pity party, as that's not my intention. I've just been going through a lot and needed to write it somewhere.
*Wishing I can like this so bad* :tears: You're not alone, mate, and I wish I had something to tell you to make you feel a little better.
I... Feel the same... But it's ok. Even if is harder for us, we'll get there. even if it's a long journey, we'll be there. Male on legal, social gender too. An Adam's apple. A plain chest. Thick hairs all over the body. A beard. Ok? Calm down
(*hug*) I understand that frustration. I believe you gave me this advice once: to remember all of the possibilities ahead of you. I'll probably be grieving the rest of my life, for what other guys get naturally but what we have to fight so hard for. But I think that the struggle makes us more men than any cis guy on the planet. Everyone here sees you as the man that should be reflected every single time you look in the mirror.
I've had very similar thoughts yesterday. I feel for you. Guys are right that we'll get there, whatever it is we are missing right now. Have hope, mate.
I'd lie if I told you I once felt like you, and then by the magic of some power thought it went away forever. Nope, such thoughts come and go, and when the wave hits you, you must ride it out... Like a man, if you wish to say so, even if we shouldn't... Whatever comes to your mind, never forget you are not your thoughts. They come and go. Sometimes hormones in your body will mess with your mind (hormones on a female body undergo ups and downs throughout a month). Sometimes your own mind will mess with you. Don't try to fight them with more thinking, just let them be there, wonder where they might come from, keep in mind most of them won't help you, and then discard them. Emotions are nice and good, but when they are just plain negative thoughts, when they don't bring either new knowledge nor strenght to carry on, there is no reason to take them more seriously than a random clown you met at some amusement park. Nope, we are not perfect and we can't always quote Sartre : Our minds will fail and fart, 'cause we are after all just human, and we'll act childish and have childish thoughts, you and me and everyone. I saw a video recently by Benton, a youtuber, in which he said life goes on. Whatever happens to our transition, life goes on, and we have to take care of schools and jobs and relationships and whatnot. Life won't stop, life hasn't stopped, unless there is something I'm missing, earth keeps spinning and the trash can keeps filling. It's still your life, time won't come back. What could happen...? Will I ever...? We don't know, that's the only thing we know for sure. We don't fucking know, but life goes on and we must carry on, so at least one day we'll have the chance of trying. And it'll be in our own terms, and we'll follow our own way. So you are a normal guy right now with a problem that needs to be taken care of, step by step, and with enough motivation to earn your gender, a thing that cis guys never had to do. That doesn't mean you are less than them, if you think about it, you can see why you could be seen as more than them. Do whatever makes you feel good. I do shave a couple of times a week. There is not much to shave, but I enjoy it.
