I'm starting to realize that the next year for me will be goodbye to my birth family. With the way things have been, I will likely be disowned when I start transitioning. As the days go by in "regular life" I'm occasionally struck by the thought that in a short while, I'll be gone and likely never see them again. How do you reconcile that? How do you look at your baby brother, cooing at you with those big brown eyes, knowing he won't know your name when he's older? Knowing he will have no clue that he had a big brother who loved him? How do you speak to your loving mother, the one who raised you, knowing that you're going to off and leave her because your existence is a blight to the family - a freakish thing that is incompatible and irreconcilable to them? I am not choosing this. I'm not responsible for how they react... And yet I am. I choose to leave and I choose to transition. Because they can't understand me, I abandon them. And now I have to live with them every bloody day, putting on a smile and pretending to be the daughter and sister they insist I am - all the while knowing full well exactly what I intend to do. Leave them. This is my goodbye to them, but I don't want to go.
(*hug*) I came to a similar realization a while back, it hurts so much and it's so unfair. I still have a fleeting hope that if I wait long enough, they will eventually get it but deep down I don't really believe. It seems so far away and so unlikely, their hurtful words echo in my mind and it mskes everything so much harder. My hope is that if I am forced to leave, some day, when I complete it all, I will come back and they will see me for who I am and understand. It's hardest when I think about the children, I would do anything for them and I'm afraid. No matter what, your baby brother will know you sometime in the future and will love you and see you for who you are. If you are forced to leave, time will pass, you will build up a life for yourself and you will find happiness. When everything feels right, you will be ready to face what you left behind and you will fo si withthe pride of a man who has set out into the wilderness and returned triumphant. (&&&)
Even if you leave to transition, time will pass. You will come back, as a fully guy. Your brother will be very happy to see you. To know he had a brother.
