Is there an end?

I often wonder the same thing. I'm not even sure what kind of trans I am, and the uncertainty about that makes it feel super endless... I'd like to hope that there is.

 

I feel you, sister.

Frequently I think along the same lines. But this is the way I look at it: being trans is a medical condition like any other medical condition. Diabetics depend on injected insulin, people with cancer must undergo chemo, those with psychological disorders need the help of therapy... The list is endless. Obviously, you and I both know the difference when it comes to being trans as opposed to the aforementioned conditions. But really they aren't so different. Because the fact is, many trans people would end up dead from it if they didn't receive treatment, that or "living" crippled by dysphoria.

Now I'm not trying to be pessimistic, I'm just saying this. In the same way a diabetic must inject insulin or their body will shut down, I have to inject my own hormones (eventually). Yes it will be for the rest of my life, yes I'll be dependent upon it, but that's the price I have to pay for getting to live in the first place. You're right, it isn't fair for us to be trans. It isn't right that we have to undergo not only the pain and expense of treatment, but also societal hatred for something which isn't our fault. But enough pity party.

Fact is, I don't give a shit what people say. You are an amazing woman, strong and resilient for making it. For being here and being you, for taking the first step. No one hates someone with cancer for getting chemo (an expensive and painful process just for a chance to live). So why do we hate trans people for just wanting to live? Why is that so evil?

If you hold on to hope and swear to never give up, you will get there. You will get the happy ending you desire. Even "before" and "during" and "after" transition, there will be change. Life goes on. There will be always be worries and struggles, but that's part of being human. We've each got our load to pull. Anyways, I'm rambling now. I just wanted to remind you not to give up hope. I know how it can feel like this will never end, but I do believe there is peace for us, one day.

"We all change. When you think about it, we're all different people all throughout our lives. And that's good! That's okay. You gotta keep moving. So long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, I swear." -Doctor Who

 

(*hug*)

I'm so sorry that things are so hard and confusing. I really do hope that medication will give you some peace of mind and will take away some of the doubts and fears. I've been with you over the last year and you think of how much you've changed during this time. You will continue to change and grow and what you are feeling now will not last forever. I do believe that once this is all over and we settle down, we will be able to live relatively normal lives. I take quite a few tablets every day and I just do it as an afterthough through habit. It will most likely be the same with HRT and technically quite a few women take estrogen tablets so going to a pharmacist shouldn't be a bit deal.

Bottom surgery will lead to an annoying and uncomfortable ritual of maintenance but you get used to it also, think about diabetic patients who have to have insulin injections every day, the first few times are hard but in time it becomes second nature to them. A better example is to think about basic needs such as having a shower, cleaning your teeth or other bodily functions. They aren't really that comfortable, they often involve a tiny bit of pain and uncomfortable sensations but we just do them and get them over with and they are a part of our daily ritual.

Ultimately I'm fairly sure that what you are feeling now is not in the slightest bit similar to how you will feel in a few years, after transitioning, truthfully even if you were just a 19 year old without any problems, I would say that in six years, you will be in a completely different place than you are today because people change and we are constantly growing and learning more about ourselves and the world around us.

Feel better and much hugs and love,

(*hug*)

Eveline