Yes, ''too late''. Maybe I should be starting with the fact that I was born as a girl. I've never, on my entire life, thought otherwise, until two years ago or so. If you ask me something like ''what did you like to do when you were a lot younger? Football or dolls?'' I would tell you that none of those where of my like, I would rather read the whole day -later on, when I entered school and could read, I mean- or draw, but honestly I don't remember too much; is that considered boyish? Girly? I don't know, what is even 'boyish' or 'girly'? I've been around two years asking myself this question seriously, and until now, I don't find the line that tells me ''this is for you'', ''this is for them'', ''this is for boys'' and ''this is for girls''. Sincerely, I don't even think you can decide someone's genre with ''you played football or dolls?'', because that has no sense, right? Then, why everywhere I've read ask the same? Since I was 12 or so, I've been having doubts about who I really am; am I a girl? or I am a boy? How could I know? What is that little thing that should tell me? Why am I even wondering? I can't help but think that there is something 'wrong', so I, without even knowing about the word ''transsexual'', I looked on Internet what I was feeling, and I found that word that would, since then, let me start to think that maybe I found an answer. I know maybe I'm explaying too much, but I don't know how to express these things properly. So, a year passed by and my female body would grow, and I would be asked to wear things that I didn't really was asked to wear before, do things, talk like this, wear my hair like that, use jewelry, try on makeup... When I noticed my body was growing, I got scared, feeling specially amused by my own chest, and by how I, myself, was thinking, acting, feeling. I started to think ''Who I am?'', so I talked with my mother, blinded, thinking that she would calm my nerves and show me the light; the confidence I had with my mother was that far, and I'm not saying it wasn't hard! But I did, and all the answers I got where ''You're having a bad time, right? Because you don't have female friends, right? It's okay baby, I know you're a girl, this is just some kind of paranoia you're going through, stop thinking about it, I'll change you schools and we'll start all over, you will be able to feel as the girl you are now, and then you won't think this anymore'', and without even being able to express myself, she did that and changed schools, and I was (and am) too scared to even talk about that again. Nowadays, it's going to worse, I feel horrible; I can't go shopping with my mom, since I'll always end up sad, she changed her way to treat to me enough to try to force me to wear dresses almost all the time, to not let me cut my hair any shorter than my shoulders... And I've started to feel that ''just kill me already'' that I hate, even though I'm still touched by my mother's words. She told me that transsexual people know since they are children that they know if they are male or female, and so, it was too late for me, since I'm almost in the middle of adolescence. I'm so sorry I maybe did it too long, but... what do you think? I've read lots of things of transsexual people, experiences, but, what if it's right? What if I'm late? All of the things I've read say they know it since they are around 3 years old? I've been having difficulties to sleep since I'm each day growing faster, and all I can tell myself is a ''don't think about this anymore'', but, is it right to let these things go? I don't want to make mistakes, I'm too scared of doing mistakes; of the hate, and of the long trip.
I'll admit I didn't read it all, but there is no such thing as realizing to late. I am not one of those people who knew since childhood. I was told I was a girl and I never had a reason to doubt that. When I was around 13 I started asking the questions you did. And growing breast was something I really hated. And why I knew what transgender was I had no idea I could be one because I simply didn't know I was a guy like all these other people seemed too. I was 22 before I finally started to look I to it more and realize that I am indeed a trans man. And a lot of people I talk to are the same. A lot of people felt different but they certainly didn't know. And there are a lot of people who never knew till puberty hit, or in till even after puberty. I was born a girl but I was meant to grow I to a man. I can see it no other way.
Welcome to EC, BlueCloud. I understand your concern but there's actually nothing like too late. Some people know at 3, some know at 13, some even more later in life. The last time I went to trans support group there was a woman who realized she's trans in her mid-forties. I myself knew something is off during puberty but had no information to put a name on it until much much later. In short, no matter what your mother thinks you are far from late. (*hug*)
I'm sorry I wrote a lot there (?) Thanks for answering, I think there really isn't time to decide you know all about yourself uvu
I only found a word for myself last August and never doubted that I was a girl until I found out about non-binary gender identities. Neither did I question my sexuality until I came across asexual. From there it just escalated. Everyone is different so our gender journey is different for each of us. Good luck!
I have no data to back it up but watching this forum, most trans people seem to notice thing around puberty, which lasts till you're around 17 (there are differences in sexes as well as individuals but it's a fairly accurate number for most) - and from your post I assume you are still going through this. Your mother seems to actively try to "convert" you. She should realize this is not going to work, and if she wants to help you, a gender therapist or a competent general therapist is her solution - such people can help you figure it all out sooner. And since so many people seem to "know" only around puberty, you actually fit the average as it would appear. I myself only started to feel different in the beginning of my 20s and I'm still somewhat searching for all answers.
I apologize in advance but I just skimmed the original post, it was all too familiar. It seems like you're asking the same questions we all did in the beginning, and there are a few things you need to understand: A) just because it never occurred to you until recently that your body and gender are not aligned, that doesn't mean you're not trans. I never questioned my gender until my best friend told me about talking to his dad about an argument we where having because he couldn't understand my position at all. His dad told him it seemed I was reacting like a woman and that he should stop expecting me to respond like a man. When my bff told me that I wanted to cry because it felt so right, like I finally made sense to myself. Now, a year and a half later, I'm shopping doctors to start hrt. B) the toys you played with as a kid don't decide if you are trans. My daughter likes Barbie dolls and dump trucks, toys don't have a gender. Same goes for what you do today. I'm a mechanic, I cannot imagine doing a stereotypically female job for a living. But that doesn't define my gender. I identify as a butch MTF because that's how I see myself and I identified with mostly with butch women when I was a kid. C) the whole point of the transgender movement is to let people self-identity. If you think you might be trans then you probably are, if you explore it and decide to still live as your birth sex that doesn't mean you aren't transgender, just that transition isn't the right path for you. The bottom line is: how do you feel when you close your eyes and picture yourself? If that self image doesn't match your birth sex than you are on the transgender spectrum, you just have to figure out where you fit into that very broad term.
