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Urges to present as masculine? (HELP)

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by pointofnoreturn, Mar 16, 2016.

  1. pointofnoreturn

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    I am what my girlfriend describes as "hard femme". But recently I've started having urges again (they started in high school) to present as more masculine. I've pushed the feelings down but it's something I can't stop thinking about. At one point I thought I might be ftm because I kept wanting to present as masculine, bind my chest, and felt the presence of a male "other" person?..alter ego?..right alongside the "feminine" part of myself. To be clear: I know I am a woman. As a lesbian I find the male anatomy unappealing. But I can't stop thinking about switching presentations; I don't want to scare my girlfriend away.:help:
     
  2. Aberrance

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    Your expression has nothing to do with your gender identity. There are gender non-conforming people who are cisgender but don't present or act the way society tells them they should. Even before I came out as trans I would wear 'guys clothes' and preferred to dress in a more mascline way and I know plenty of cis girls who do the same.

    Why do you expect it to scare her? The clothes you wear are nothing more than an expression of yourself and make you feel comfortable with yourself.
     
  3. pointofnoreturn

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    She knows about the urges I had in high school.. I just don't want her to get the wrong idea, I guess. I don't want her to think that I'm not a woman.
     
  4. Aberrance

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    Then would it not be easier to explain this to her? Tell her you want to present in a more masculine way but you're not questioning your identity, reassure her. There's nothing wrong with opening up and coming straight out with it.
     
  5. Mihael

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    The best thing is just to tell her that even though you like masculine clothing or style, you still are a woman, you just like looking this way :slight_smile:

    I'm the exact opposite :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: I'm mentally a guy and I love feminine presentation. Skirts not so much, but heels, lipstick, long hair, hot pink - oh yeah.
     
  6. pointofnoreturn

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    But with these urges one thing leads to another. Wanting to dress like a guy leads to wanting to bind leads to wanting to pack...I've even asked friends to call me by a male name and use male pronouns...I've been through it before. It's terrifying.:help::help::help:
     
  7. Irisviel

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    Well, I can't help you, but! There are a lot of couples on YouTube of formerly lesbian couples where one partner has transitioned. I'm not trying to tell you who you are, merely offer a perspective of people for whom transitioning was not a disaster to the relationship. At least this could help you think with less fear as you explore your feelings.

    I can't remember any channels as ftm stuff is only interesting to me as understanding "the opposite" of my struggle, but I would encourage you to watch some of that and see how they deal with it.

    And if you simply are a female crossdresser... that's part of you which according to all I know isn't going anywhere. And again, plenty of couples where one crossdresses (although I don't know any female crossdresses). Still, experience of ftm+lesbian couples can be a valuable insight in general.
     
  8. pointofnoreturn

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    g4rret, if I were a crossdresser wouldn't I still like being called by female pronouns? I've tried dressing as a guy before, have been mistaken for a guy because of my short hair and the fact that I'm not very femme.. I liked knowing I could pass when dressed more like a guy.
     
  9. Irisviel

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    Well, it would appear most crosdressers prefer that pronouns match their current presentation. So if they are in "disguise", they want to be called as they appear. Most crossdressers that I had seen and heard their stories had female names and when presenting as women, they were called with feminine pronouns, and they would go with their wives shopping or whatever really, treated as women (of course I'm speaking of mtf crossdressing).

    So yeah, for a lot of people who like to "switch" it goes all the way - appearance, clothing and pronouns/names. Some are fine with keeping their assigned gender even in "disguise" but many want to experience complete transition for as long as their urge to do so lasts.
     
  10. pointofnoreturn

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    The urges I get, when I've given into them in the past, don't feel like a disguise. I start to prefer male presentation over female presentation. I start wanting to present as male all the time.
     
  11. Irisviel

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    I don't know how being a crossdresser feels like. I want to transition full time.

    Perhaps I used a wrong word. Something you wrote in your first post is similar to what I've heard described - an alter ego you completely fall into while presenting as the opposite gender.

    However, keep in mind wanting to present as the opposite gender "all the time" is something that makes me think "transgender".

    One more thing for you to look into in that case would be ftm or non binary people who choose male presentation without hormones nor surgeries.
     
  12. pointofnoreturn

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    Something just occurred to me. When I describe my lesbianism to myself--the way I'd like to explain it to people but don't--is that if I had a choice, I'd be a man instead of fucking one. I don't like the way penises look on guys, but the idea of having one myself is empowering. I also don't shave. Hair doesn't bother me in the slightest.
    Am I making sense?
     
    #12 pointofnoreturn, Mar 16, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2016
  13. Irisviel

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    Well that's one of my more private reasons of knowing I'm trans :slight_smile: I'm unable to form a relationship with a woman because the only way I find the concept appealing is to be one as well. And with guys I see my own masculinity as nothing but liability.

    So it makes sense to me, question is, are your conclusions similar.

    Shaving or not is just an aesthetic preference. There are a lot of people who don't, and if you want a celebrity, look at Amanda Palmer, cis and with her armpits proudly hairy! Same goes for any other hair, I would prefer short on my own head if it only allowed me to pass.
     
  14. pointofnoreturn

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    I've never liked the idea of "submitting to a man " via gender roles, relationship wise. But I have no problem submitting to a woman in any sense. I enjoy it, actually..
    I made the point about the hair because if I were truly feminine I'd be grossed out by all the hair.
    I'm just so confused..
     
  15. Nike007

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    Hello. Have you ever thought yourself as a masculine woman? Do you still feel woman? I really don't know to describe feeling women though. I guess it's like all the social norms associated with the gender. I mainly wanted to say gender is complex and maybe reading definitions will help you out? Good luck on finding "you" :slight_smile:.
     
  16. Mihael

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    I think it's a question of if you want to be a guy all the time, and if you feel like it's a more authentic version of yourself, if the contact with people is more authentic. On the flip side, I like dressing femme, but it feels like role-playing to me. Which is fun sometimes, I sometimes dress like a lady, go to town and behave flirtatious just for the fun of experiencing it. It took me a long time to realise that I was doing it all the time this way, that my being a woman is that. There's something very subtle and sad about it. It took me a long time to realise that I like it, because I imagine I'm becoming a woman, I'm trying to show myself that I can be one, I'm trying to convince, reassure myself. It's dress-up. I imagine I'm becoming someone else, I try to feel female, because there is an empty space in my soul where there is supposed to be a feeling. I can do all the same, look the same, act the same, and I'm still missing something. I'd like to feel it, but I simply can't. I think this is the subtle difference between feeling and cross-dressing: pretending, imitating. It needs constant maintainance to last, constant checking, being on guard.

    For a long time I was convinced everyone in this world is pretending, acting, that gender is made up bs people still stick to, because .... Exactly, why? I like it best when I can dress however I want to and still am treated like one of the guys. Not as physically male, but more in the social sense.
     
    #16 Mihael, Mar 18, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2016
  17. Mr Spock

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    You say you're described as a hard femme. Is your girlfriend a femme? Would you maybe want to experiment with being "butch" or a "stud"? (Hope those terms aren't offensive) Maybe you are transgender, but need a lot of time to process it all? There are many people who were lesbian and became trans. It is possible that you could be one of them. Take some time and think about the things that make you, you.

    Good luck! :slight_smile:
     
  18. pointofnoreturn

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    Mr. Spock (nice first name, by the way!), my girl is definitely a femme. Not prissy, but definitely feminine. She likes pink, has long-ish hair, wears flowery tops/some dresses, and likes doing her nails and makeup.
    As far as being butch, I don't know if I am masculine enough.
     
  19. Mihael

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    You don't have to be masculine enough to be butch. You just have to find what it means for you - and embrace it :slight_smile: If it would mean be gentlemanly to your girlfriend or not being bothered by body hair and dressing masculine - here you go.
     
  20. purplewolf6

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    Try to experiment and see where you go from there. I wear womens bodywash from time to time. Being gender non-conforming doesn't mean you want to be another gender. Also, try to focus on making the decision that makes you and happy and if your girlfriend already accepts you she shouldn't be scared away.

    Maybe do little by little. Baggy clothes, jeans, etc. whatever feels comfortable to you. Myself I've worn finger nail polish before but during that time I didn't feel any less male.

    Try not to focus on what defines being butch or a woman in general and just have fun being yourself. You may not be trans but may need time to understand your situation. Even if you are I wish you the best. Much love.