How to *know* your gender?

I also need something concrete to base it on other than gender roles. For me personally, I base it on how I want to biologically and socially. Mentally, I guess I "feel like a guy" as in I like masculine things, am good at math, I'm more apt to male-dominated professions/interests in general, but that's a small part of it.

A lot of transgender people and cisgender people alike feel the same way, infact a lot of people who identify themselves as transgender or non-binary because of analysing they're interests end up detransitioning or later realizing they're not trans--gender is intrinsic.

The main parts to it, in my opinion, are 1) how do you want to live socially 2) are you cut out to live socially as that gender 3) how do you want to be biologically 4) do you experience dysphoria.
1,3, and 4, if you're confused out them, I'd recommend either experimenting or keeping a journal on gender related feelings. For two, only time would tell, but if you experience social dysphoria you're very likely suited to live as whatever gender--or if you're not sure, tell people online you're a cis guy/girl and see how it feels to be treated like one--games like World of Warcraft or sites like ****** are great for that.

 

These first, third, and fourth criteria are how I figured things out for myself. The biggest things for me were how I wanted people to see me and how I wanted to look. I also wanted to set myself free from a prison of masculinity with no outlet for my femininity.

I'll also note that some people who ID as a gender that they weren't assigned at birth don't experience dysphoria. More simply, some might not feel bad about their bodies or how people see them, but would prefer things to be different.

And personally, I don't see gender as intrinsic (I used to), but I don't see it as deliberately changeable either. I see gender as a complex social system, which may or may not have roots in psychology or biology. I'm now operating under the assumption that gender identities are socially constructed categories (not that they aren't real or valid) that people have affinities for, and choose to identify as. And power to people identifying their genders!

 

That was more or less my red flag. I had my moments growing up where I could address that wrongness, and by the time I was in high school I started to understand that I was a girl in body, but not in "spirit", for lack of a better word. Of course, trans issues were invisible issues, especially on the ftm side of things - it was clear that I was an oddity, so I hid.

These are good points to consider, and things that every questioning person should probably meditate on. For me, I've always gotten along well with all sorts of people, so social things I get involved in tend to be mixed group activities, rather than gender specific activities. That said, being perceived as male is more comfortable for me than being perceived as female - which I learned through years of adjusting to new names and pronouns in some group settings. I also experience dysphoria over the obviously "womanly" elements of me, secondary sex characteristics and such, and I have been slowly grappling with the idea of making physical changes for my own comfort.

When it comes to a physical transition, I think it's important to consider your own level of need - not desire, but real need. I like to check in with myself by asking, "If I woke up tomorrow with/without (insert physical characteristic here), and I was stuck like that for the rest of my life, would life be liveable?" That part of the trans experience is definitely a "slow and steady wins the race" scenario. Waking up without breasts would make life more than liveable - it would be a blessing. But waking up with a full beard? Well, life wouldn't be un-liveable, but I would wonder why I hadn't invested in razors.

 

Sense of authenticity vs pretending. At some point I realised that even though I can perform the feminine gender role perfectly and I can like it, I'm still missing something. I'm missing the inside, even though I can convince others that I have it. And the second thing is that my authenticity is more masculine than feminine. I don't really think anything has gender on its own, it's the context. Masculine means no more than that it's more frequent for males here and now.

 

This makes me think of when I used to play a lot of computer games. I would always be a male character or avatar, and yet I always felt like I was lying. I think it's because I was presenting as a cis boy, when the truth is that I'm a trans man. It's a small change, but it makes a lot more sense to my conscience.