So I decided to write down all the things that I know so that I can look at them, and try to figure something out. Don't feel obligated to read through them, this was also just for my own reflection and to keep some record of it. What I know. I do not identify myself as, nor associate myself with, being 'female' I do not feel genderless I feel most comfortable presenting very neutral My gender doesn't feel like it changes, but sometimes it does fluctuate 'masculine' or 'feminine', and I feel dysphoric/less dysphoric sometimes. But mostly it's just the same feeling of 'meh', with wanting a male body Womens clothes/being treated like a woman feels fake/like drag I don't get consistently dysphoric enough to physically change anything... But I do sort of dream of getting top surgery/hormones. I just don't know if I would. I feel like a mostly neutral guy in a female body I don't know if I could spend the rest of my life as female. When I think of myself as older, it's as a guy Heavily gendered words like 'woman', 'girl', 'young lady', 'daughter', 'girlfriend' feel very weird, and dissociative I am attracted to men, women and everyone outside and in-between Relationships with men don't feel straight, and I can't date a straight guy I don't think I could date a completely lesbian girl, either I like binding, a lot, and if it was more comfortable I would do it 24/7 I'm very aware of how others perceive me. I wonder if they're reading me as boy or girl Lonely, because of all the problems I have with dating straight or lesbian orientations and I don't know any openly bi people and I have no idea what to even put as my gender on dating websites Thoughts sound masculine I see my body as masculine, until I focus on the parts that are obviously female and remind myself... I'm a girl...? I've taken all the steps I can think of to be more true to myself. Changed my clothes, my hair, used a shortened neutral version of my name. But I'm left with thinking... now what? My body and mind feel in conflict Stuck sort of in-between male and female Sometimes feeling a little both, but not knowing how that's possible and so doubting myself, and also feel like I'm just settling on that because it may be easier than to just acknowledge that I may be a pretty neutral male When I sing along to songs sung by men, I love how my voice sounds when it replicates them There are times I feel sad, and like things are wrong and I've had it all my life, and I think it's because of all this The more I've accepted my feelings, the more they've increased, the more I feel like I'm come closer to a truth I don't know what that truth is yet And even though I try to ignore it, and just be myself, sometimes it leaves me very depressed, and lost and confused :icon_sad:
It sounds to me like you could be FTM trans or a masculine genderqueer type of person. I liked the list format, by the way.
I agree with Cody. Sounds like you could be a trans guy, although masculine nonbinary is possible too.
Thanks guys I'm not sure if trans man fits me... I don't really feel like a 'man'. I try to think of socially how I'd like to be seen... I know I'd like male pronouns, feel indifferent to 'her'/'she'. Feel indifferent, largely, to what gender people perceive me, although sometimes it bothers me if I'm very obviously presenting female. But at the core, there's something that I haven't figured out yet. *giant shrug* I'll take what everyone has said into consideration. Thank you--! (*hug*)