I'll just vent out and copy one entry for my "thoughs book": My mom once, near March 17 I think, I was really dysphoric and feeling highly depressed. She said she'd wanteed to talk, and how she'd knew that there where things that where for ever, like testosterone. But she wanted to make me happy. I was already getting hyped about hormone blockers... when I heard that it was because she wanted to take it slowly... Shit. She urgh. I... I don't know how everything is going to... to turn out. I thought that as my bestie is in love, if it turns out well, then I could leave. We would keep being friends, of course, but he'd not depend for me to be happy. I would then proceed to leave to another school where I'll be presented as male. As a boy. "Why does it say here that you are a girl?" I had an hormone imbalance when I was a baby so I was marked female! LoL! But my mom is working hard to change it. The process is real long..." It makes me uncomfortable" "Oh I see. Do you wanna play tag?" "Ok!" I just really would like to be supah cool and be on testosterone and stuff argh IDK lol but it would feel really cool to no have to hide the fact that I'm a boy, but hide the fact that I used to be a girl!(or even not to!) I'd love to finally be seen as a really gay boy. And be 夫夫!! (For EC readers: in Japanese married couple writes with kanji for husband and wife. Both sound like fufu. If you use two "husband" even if it doesn't really exist, you would be saying "married gay couple! LoL!) Fuufu!! I want to use a binder so I can look like a boy but I already have hips. I hate them. They're not big for a girl but big for a boy. I hate my skirt. I hate it. In Penta I heard some girls talking about gay rights and homophobia. I really wanted to tell them I was gay and talk about oppressed gays. But I couldn't. They'd think I was a lesbian. How could I be a lesbian if I'm not even a girl?? Oh wait, YOU DONT KNOW! ALL YOU SEE IS A GIRL! WHY?? WHY??!! I actually have been tempted to suicide, because it soon becomes more possible... Because the doors for my future, my happy future, are closing slowly, one by one. Everyday I daydream about me, in the future. About my "fanfics" about how I changed to school as a boy, how I started testosterone as a girl at school, me with beard still going to the female public bathrooms... Urgh. Every time I bring up my gender she says she wants to "take time" or "go slow" but my time is decreasing faster and faster. I want to go on hormone blockers. Now or never! "I want to go slow" but she doesn't understand that I don't. I don't want. I've been insisting in going to gender therapist or psychology. She doesn't. She said she can't. She doesn't have the money...? And I don't know how to feel about this. She wanted me to join extracurricular sport? And I was instantly shocked. Girls. Girls. No. Please. I started crying. I'm not Happy. I'm not proud. I can feel the weight on my shtoulders, pushing me down, making me feel like I am the heaviest object on earth. That I can't move. That I can't do anything. That not even the nicest words can alleviate my pain. I... Don't have, the strength... To keep. At this... I just... Can't... If only there was an easy way to die... I wonder. That's all. Thanks for reading. Advice?... :bang::icon_sad::icon_redf:help::tears::tantrum::eusa_doh::***:
Hello. I am sorry you are going through a rough time. I know gender is hard, especially since people only see two. Like, in my computer science class, an example the teacher always uses is what gender are you, and only give male and female as an option. I get angry at that. I choose female because of it's my biological sex, not my gender. Whenever I program, I try to remove the word gender to sex because I feel better about it. Sorry, I'm talking about myself again. Oops. Harming yourself is not the answer. It doesn't solve anything, though in your mind it does. I have conflicted with the same issues, so I understand your pain. Are you able to buy some weights and lift weights? It should help give you some muscle to present more masculine. Your mom at least is accepting your gender identity, which is a good start. I really want to tell someone. I think I will tell my friends through a text message, but I am too scared in person. People always talk about sexual identity at my school, which is good, and a few of my friend's friends have different sexualities than straight. Someone I know asks me what my sexual identity and today I said androsexual, because that's me. They probably were confused why I didn't say straight. I think I will tell this person first. I am scared to tell anyone. I am waiting a bit before talking to people.' I get off topic easily, sorry. Just remember, we are here for you if you need to talk to someone. Stay strong .
I don't know how possible this is for you right now, but if you could find some way to find , or even go to, a psychologist yourself and show your mom how important this is for you that you're even taking the initiative yourself to move toward your goal of getting on blockers, that might show her that this is a need and not necessarily a want.
Really? That's so cool. Thanks for the words. I think I could go lift weights but I'm not sure my mom likes the idea lol ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2016 at 12:26 PM ---------- Yeah. I can't go to see a psychologist but I do can try to teach my mom about hormone blockers... I guess?
Really? That's so cool. Thanks for the words. I think I could go lift weights but I'm not sure my mom likes the idea lol I am just confused which part you are referring to. For me, I was lucky that I was born with broad shoulders as a biological female. Just say that you are joining a sport that involves weight lifting in some way, and it would help with that. Even swimming would be good to have more muscle. I hope that will help .
