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I just can't figure it out!

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by akarn7, Mar 21, 2016.

  1. akarn7

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2014
    Messages:
    13
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    Location:
    CT
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Okay, this will be long, but this is my "one post" that kind of "says it all." So it's kind of a big deal. But it's totally cool if you don't want to read it because of the length! You can go help someone else if you want - other people's problems matter just as much as mine. But if you do have some time and want to help out a fellow EmptyClosets member in crisis, I'd love it if ya stuck around. :slight_smile:

    I'm 16, almost 17, and born female. For the longest time I've thought I was a lesbian. But over my life so far, I've sometimes come across moments where I've wondered what it'd be like if I was a guy. I'd look at the fact that they don't have boobs, and I'd just be so jealous that I'd end up hating the fact that I do have boobs even more than I already did. I hated my long hair, so I cut it all off. Those are just some of the major things, but they're the little things over my lifetime that cause me to be so confused. When I was little, I was the definition of tomboy. I wanted nothing to do with anything girly. My mom sent me to school in a dress once and I complained about it the whole day to my friends. Other times when my parents made me put a skirt on or wear something pink, I'd suck it up because I knew I had no chance in changing it, but I'd hate every bit of it. All throughout elementary and middle school, I was just one of the guys. Literally, all my friends were guys. Looking back, I was envious of them. I wanted to be one of them. But I didn't realize it at the time, and that's what's making me confused too. In fourth grade, I learned about how boys' voices get deeper when they go through puberty, and so I went into school one morning and talked in the lowest voice I could talk in because I wanted to be like a boy. I've dressed like a boy my entire life - jeans, basketball shorts, regular t-shirts, cool tennis shoes (with no pink, of course) etc. - causing my mom great stress. Once, during a fight when I was in 7th grade, she called me out on it and started crying. I've always wanted to shop in the boys' section at stores. My mom would always bring me to the girls' section and start pulling out "cute" tops and things that were just, well, girly. Duh, they're in the girls' section! :slight_smile: But my eyes always, ALWAYS wandered towards the boys' section. I would eye those Star Wars t-shirts and basketball shorts and I would literally think to myself, "I wish I could just be a boy so I could wear those." I would hate when my mom would do my hair every morning (mind you, this was when I was in elementary school, so of course she still did my hair) and I would scream and yell at 7 in the morning. I just found no use for it. I wanted to go to school in my bed head because I just didn't care at all. I've never worn makeup my entire life, and when my older sisters would use me as a canvas to practice on, I hated every bit of it. I'd protest, frown, and just not enjoy it. I don't feel comfortable in makeup whatsoever. It just makes me feel so girly, and I'm just not like that. When I first heard the word "transgender," I had no idea what it meant. But then I saw boys that were born girls, but they were boys on the outside now! I thought it was awesome! Later on, every time I'd see a guy somewhere and wish I looked like him, I'd kind of catch myself and say, "Whoaaaa am I transgender?" But then I'd think it was stupid and push the thought away. And before I forget to mention this (I have ADHD, so don't criticize me lolol), I'll mention that sometimes, I flex my hand muscles to make them more veiny to look like a guy. Yes, I just admitted that on the Internet. :icon_wink Anyways, when I got into high school, I started realizing that I have feelings for girls and not guys. I came out as a lesbian my freshman year, but towards my sophomore year, I just couldn't ignore the fact that I envied guys. I'd look at pictures my sisters posted in college of them going to frat parties and stuff, and I'd just look at all the frat guys and wish I was one of them so badly. Honestly, it wasn't until my sophomore year that I even thought at all that maybe this wasn't normal thinking for a girl. I'd gone my whole life as a girl - I was used to it. Regardless of how much I hated my boobs or how much I wished I was a frat guy who could wear his hat backwards and have all the guy friends in the world instead of hanging out with girls he didn't act like, I was just used to being a girl. But anyways, back to my sophomore year. I saw a video on YouTube of a FTM trans guy. I thought it was inspiring. When he described what he felt like when he was discovering himself, I was like, "Hmmmmm....... sounds similar." I started doing more research, and it all sounded similar. Now I'm in my late junior year of high school, and I literally can't get the thought out of my brain. You would think from all of this that, yeah, I'm a dude, but there's reasons why I'm confused. I've gone my whole life living as a girl, so I sometimes do things like a girl. I watch girly TV shows like Pretty Little Liars and that Australian mermaid show, H2O. I mean, I probably just watch the mermaid show because I'm obsessed with Australia and I think the girls in it are on the hotness level of fire, but you know what I'm saying. :slight_smile: I get all giddy when my friends and I talk about High School Musical because we grew up in that era and it's nostalgic for us (yes, I can quote all the lyrics to all the songs... not even ashamed about it lol). I get really emotional when it comes to things I love. (I cried for an hour - yes, an hour - after I saw the new Star Wars movie because that was just how much I loved it. Most guys don't cry over Star Wars. But I do. I use "lol" and "omg" and "hahaha" frequently, just like any other girl. However, the reason I'm just SO confused is because I do these things, but I don't have that "girl mindset," you know? What I mean is that most girls act in a way that literally just says GIRL. But I act in a way that just says SHE IS NOT LADYLIKE IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. Most girls talk different. I talk sarcastically 24/7. Most girls can be pretty melodramatic, but I would rather move to Timbuktu than get involved in any of that or act like that. Most girls wear makeup, wear dresses, put thought into their outfits, gossip over boys, act like their girl friends, etc. etc. etc. I just don't do these things. I don't come across this way at all. I don't feel like a real girl, you know? But when I look at guys, and I see the way they act, and how they feel, and how they present themselves - THAT'S what I feel like. I wish I could tear off my boobs and give them to some MTF girl out there who needs 'em! Lol :icon_bigg But when I look in the mirror, I get so confused because my whole life I've been living as a girl, so I'm just used to how I look. I'm used to seeing boobs on my reflection. I'm used to having to wear dresses on Easter for church. I'm used to having to wear makeup when we have a family wedding. etc. etc. etc. But I just hate it all so much. I just get so jealous of guys because I wish that I was born like one.

    So, yeah, this was long...

    But I need your help. I am SO confused! I know that you guys don't know me personally, but in your opinion from just reading this post, what do you guys think I am? Transgender? Or just going through a hormonal teenager phase?

    Honestly, I love the people on EmptyClosets. You're all so helpful and I know I'm going to get some good insight into this from you guys. Thanks in advance!!!

    By the way, today I looked into guys' names for the very first time. I came up with first name : Kyron (nickname : Kai) and middle name Alexander. I don't know why I looked at names. But when I came up with this name, I wrote it down on a piece of paper a bunch of times and just stared at it, and it just felt good. :slight_smile:
     
  2. TheSideKick

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2016
    Messages:
    62
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    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    First off, hello there! From what I can tell by reading this, you seem to be almost sure that you're a guy except for the fact that you are used to being a girl. What made me slightly chuckle was when you said what "most girls do". Friend, every girl is different and what you just named were stereotypes. Most people wonder what the difference between a boy or girl is and the answer to that is up to you. If you've felt you're a guy then you're a guy, doesn't matter if you giggle or cry or even of you like watching mermaid shows(I know guys who have done at least 2 of these even my macho manly brother) Just because you're not stereotypical a guy or girl, you are still a human who has the right to identity as whichever regardless of what others say. Even if you end up saying you're not trans you're still a wonderful being. Hope that gives you something to think about, also Kyron is an awesome name :slight_smile: