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Still questioning whether or not I'm MtF transgender

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by BobJones, Mar 25, 2016.

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  1. BobJones

    BobJones
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    I never had any thought into this until about a year ago, when my first noticeable dysphoria really emerged. Now I have it off and on, combined by a sense of female identity. I wish I were a cis woman, with female anatomy and everything, but I find, when I put on make up or anything like that, I cringe. There is this sense in the back of my head, saying that I'll always look like a man in drag, and when I saw myself in the mirror, that's exactly what I looked like and it revolted me. I still feel a need to one day transition with hormone therapy, but I still have a great deal of shame about being trans... I don't know, it makes me question the whole thing...
     
    #1 BobJones, Mar 25, 2016
  2. intherye

    intherye
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    I'm younger than you and unsure of my own gender so I doubt my reply will be much use... But it sounds, to me, like the feeling of not liking yourself in makeup isn't because you aren't MtF but because of dysphoria at the fact you look male (or, I don't know if you do, but the fear of looking like 'a man in drag'). Doubt that helped much but good luck anyway :slight_smile:
     
    #2 intherye, Mar 25, 2016
  3. BobJones

    BobJones
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    Well, I do look male, but not overly so. I still don't pass at all. Yes, that did help, thank you!
    I find it painful, when I'm not looking in the mirror, and I get into truly identifying as my female self, and I realise that I'm physically a male, pre-transition, and It's difficult.
     
    #3 BobJones, Mar 25, 2016
  4. intherye

    intherye
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    That sounds terrible :icon_sad: Gender sucks sometimes :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Would you be able to transition?
     
    #4 intherye, Mar 25, 2016
  5. BobJones

    BobJones
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    It'll be a while, maybe a few years, once I get out of the house.
     
    #5 BobJones, Mar 25, 2016
  6. intherye

    intherye
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    Good luck <3
     
    #6 intherye, Mar 25, 2016
  7. darkcomesoon

    darkcomesoon
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    I think you're trans. Feeling ashamed is a pretty natural reaction when you grow up in a world that has so many negative messages about trans people (especially trans women). It doesn't mean you're not trans; it just means you need to work through your feelings until you can get to a point where you feel proud of who you are.

    Not all women (cis or trans) like makeup, and it sounds like the reason you don't like it is just because it causes you more dysphoria, which honestly makes it even more likely that you're right about being trans, not less likely. Remember that even if you don't like how you look right now, it won't always be this way. Someday you will transition, and your dysphoria will feel a lot better.
     
    #7 darkcomesoon, Mar 25, 2016
  8. BobJones

    BobJones
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    Thank you, that's incredibly hopeful.
    I also find that my favourite outlet is online roleplay where my character is female and is treated as such, and I'm in middle of one right now... It helps, but sometimes, I have to realise that I'm still physically a male, and it's painful.
     
    #8 BobJones, Mar 25, 2016
  9. Thessa Blossom

    Thessa Blossom
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    I'm also not to much into makeup, this doesn't make us any less of a woman.
    When you (someday) start your journey, with every step forward the dysphoria lessens and you will become a happy woman.

    Maybe one of the first steps you want to do is to talk to a gender therapist about your feeling.

    Hugs, Thessa
     
    #9 Thessa Blossom, Mar 26, 2016
  10. BobJones

    BobJones
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    Is it common for you all to have shame associated with being trans? I find myself wishing I were a cis woman, but the concept of it, I go through waves of shame and pride in being trans.
     
    #10 BobJones, Mar 28, 2016
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