Yesterday as I was walking out of a women's bathroom, I met this woman who read me as a boy, and thought that she must have gone to the wrong bathroom. When I said that she had the right bathroom, she said in a confused-sounding way that I was in the wrong bathroom. I said that I was a girl, and she apologized. She wasn't angry at all, only confused, and then she felt bad for misgendering me. The weird part about the experience was how happy I felt about being misgendered. I am happy with having a female body most of the time, and do not wish to change it. I love the female shape of my body. At the same time, I feel that I would love for people to read me as a boy, or not be able to figure out my gender by looking at me. I would cross-dress if my mom let me buy clothes from the men's section. I love the hair on my legs and arms and the tiny bit of hair on my chest between my boobs, and I would definitely have facial hair if I could grow it and if it were socially acceptable for a woman to have facial hair. I was so happy that I passed as a boy, even though I do not wish to get any surgery to make my body appear male. I like the sound of my high-pitched voice. I want to look like a man, but still have a female body. I sometimes enjoy looking woman-like, but when I dress in a feminine way, I feel like I am cross-dressing. Starting next fall, I will be a college student. That means that I will go shopping without my mom. I plan to get clothes from the men's section I plan to try to pass as male or look androgynous. I plan to still identify as a woman. I plan to confuse people. It feels mean. I don't want to make people like that woman I met yesterday feel uncomfortable. She looked very embarrassed about misgendering me. The way I want to present, I would probably do that to people all the time. Is that mean?
I've felt that way for the longest time! Even back when I identified as a girl, I loved being "mistaken for" a guy by strangers. And then just recently I realized that kind of thing was so incredibly appealing to be because it was their honest opinion of how I looked, and proof that my presentation and the things I changed about how I looked mattered more, for at least one person that day, than what I was born with. And that feels awesome. But, my body is great, and I feel lucky to have the body that I do, I mean, I think I look pretty great and it treats me pretty well so I'd just as soon keep my bits as they are. We've gotten close over the years, my bits and I, we're great friends now. The thing I don't want to do is permanently get rid of my parts. I would be so freaking happy if I had detachable sex characteristics that I could put on and take off in accordance with what was right for the time. But, with the technology we have now, the only way of swapping what your body looks like is by destroying what's already there, and hey, these are so nice that that would just suck, I mean, what if the post-surgical bits were a whole lot less nice? A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and two boobs and a bush–let's not finish that train of thought. College is a really great place for this. One of my very first experiences at college with being misgendered, and the person apologized for three minutes while I sat there with what I'm certain could probably be described as a shit-eating grin on my face because it's so honest of them in a way you rarely experience when they pin you as your birth gender. I'm still friends with that girl today. Don't worry about people being uncomfortable after misgendering you/learning more about your gender, they'll get past it if they want to be friends and if they don't, then stretch their boundaries a little bit as you pass through their lives and let them see the not-so-clear-cut side of things a little. Stick to environments where you feel safe, of course, but let well-meaning people see honest sides of you. It may change their perceptions just a little bit. It isn't mean, it's good for them to see more of the real world. Then they can learn more little by little and stop feeling confused by the situation at all.
I don't think it's mean. I think it means that you like presenting as male, playing around with gender and defying expectations. I do it to some extent as well.
That doesn't sound mean at all. Actually, it sounds pretty awesome. It's not your responsibility to make sure people can easily guess your gender and never have to face the discomfort of not knowing exactly what gender someone is immediately. I actually think it's important to make people feel that discomfort so they can start to get used to the fact that not all women are gonna look the way they think a woman should look. Wear what you want and let people be confused.
Thank you Delta, cakepiecookie, and darkcomesoon for taking the time to reply. I definitely feel reassured. I guess it doesn't really hurt people to open their minds a bit.
Haha I relate to the part where you wanna buy clothing from the men's section but you're mum won't let you. Thats me. I think it's pretty ludicirous because its not like I wear anything feminine anyway. And yeah, will be going to university next year and I'm planning short hair and androgynous style. Unlike you, I don't really want to be misgendered, I just love menswear and have always been a tomboy. Oh and I hate doing my hair. But I don't think you're being mean, you really can't help what people are thinking themselves. Have fun dressing how you want and being elusive haha. And lets march forward together into college/uni life as our free boyish selves!!!
Thanks, SHACH, for replying. It is nice to know that I'm not alone with my mom not letting me wear the clothes I want. Tomboys unite!
I don't think this sounds like you're being mean to the people who are misgendering you. After all, you're not haring them in any way. Confusing them perhaps, but any negative emotions around that are theirs and theirs alone. However, if you want to make sure you're not being mean to ANYONE, I would advise you to be careful how you talk about it around trans people. Loving being misgendered is a type of cisgender privilege that a lot of trans people just don't have access to. Don't get me wrong, a lot of us agree that blowing up small-minded people's ideas of binary gender can be funny. But playing with people like that still means that you can stop playing at any point and go back to being correctly gendered. When trans folks aren't "passing," there's nothing they can do to stop/pause the misgendering. It's constant and can be quite painful. All that being said, I don't believe this is a harm you're trying to do or even completely oblivious to. I'd just caution you to be careful lest you accidentally offend someone!
