What does dysphoria feel like to you?

I have a dissociation with my body, like it doesn't properly register when I look at it. Without going into a hyper-depressive rant, basically any part of my body that is feminine makes me very uncomfortable and anxious.

Also, female pronouns feel off (and always have). At my core, I know I'm a guy. So this is the social aspect. I also really hate the gender roles/expectations/expression I'm forced to be a part of "as a girl."

Like I said, these are general aspects of my dysphoria. I could go into more detail but in all honestly I think it would make me depressed. A lot of things "trigger" dysphoria for me, as I'm still pre-everything and currently being forced to pretend to be a girl.

How do I get past it? When it's unbearable, I distract myself (TV, work, sleep). When I'm being rational, I think about the future and my hope in that regard. I think about what I want to be like, and enjoy planning how to get there. Hope is everything. I know I'm going to transition, so it's only a matter of time and this pain will pass and I'll be stronger.

 

I can never really find words to describe it.
My dysphoria is not crippling as so many others would disceibe theirs. When I look in the mirror I see a guy. Plain and simple. My female body does not bring forth strong negative emotions though it did everyday when I was a teen.

As a teenager to look in the mirrors could leave me in tears. I hated my body and always felt like I was guy pretending to be a woman. At the risk of pissing people off I will say that I often describe it as feeling like a trans woman who realized that they were actually a man. (Please don't kill me for that).

I don't know why but once I got older it wasn't so bad. I think I forced myself to focus on other things. These days the sight of my naked body brings force a feeling of disappointment.
I spend a lot of my time imagining myself as a man with in the next few years of my life. I think about transitioning non stop and the thought I might be stuck as female makes me feel disappointed and depress.

Social anxiety was never to much of an issue. The only time it bothers me is when people I am out to constantly call me she and her. My mom is guilty of this lot.

 

I get this bizarre feeling like I'm... super invisible/borderline nonexistent? It's pretty tough to describe.

What really triggers it is when I'm (in)directly referred to as (fe)male or when I wind up paying more attention to what I have body-wise than I'd like.

For that first thing, I'm not as caring about pronouns, though it can vary depending on my mood at the time, but it tends to really bug me when someone either directly comments on being male or female(ie something like "you've grown to be a nice young wo/man"). That's the kinda thing that triggers the whole invisibility feeling; it's like they're referring to this body and not actually me, so it's pretty much a feeling like nobody knows that -I- exist.

The second kinda intertwines with that first thing obviously. Whenever I'm not clothed and I have to pay attention to what I have(ie washing up) I'm just reminded of what I'm seen as. I tend to get stuck in thoughts such as 'if I don't really want -that- and I don't want this(referring to 'gendered bits'), then wth do I want?!', so I kinda understand that whole this trapped in that trapped in this trapped in that stuff. I'd just rather those types of things be 'out of sight, out of mind' altogether really.

I usually am trying to figure out what I should do to help be content for the long-term.

 

It feels numb and awkward, alien, I don't know what to do. Sometimes it feels like pretending.

 

>expected to act like a girl, as if having a vagina comes with a terms and conditions manual
>questioned as to why I prefer cutting my hair short when girls are supposedly expected to have long hair
>questioned as to why I want a binder (as my former friend put it, "Why would you want to hide those things? They're beautiful)
>scared to walk outside with the fake beard that i love wearing because people I'm not out to will consider me a freak
>don't know how to make voice lower without T
>still having periods even though I know I have no reason to be having them, because 1. I'm neutral and 2. I'm never having kids.

Honestly, most of my dysphoria went away when I started socially transitioning. I still have adjustments to make in terms of appearance to look more androgynous. I don't have as much bottom dysphoria as I do top dysphoria, because I feel that if I had a penis, it would make it difficult for me to feel neutral. The only thing i feel i'd need to do in that regard is stop my body from having periods.

 

It's hard for me to describe dysphoria because

a) I don't think my dysphoria is as obvious and as bad as other trans guys' (and other trans people).
b) For pretty much all of my teenage years, I either didn't experience any dypshoria or I really disconnected myself from it/just did what I was supposed to do, was who I was supposed to be. Looking back I can see a few hints here and there, but not anything super obvious.
c) Some days I'm pretty neutral towards my body, some days I'm okay with it, and although it isn't exactly ideal I can live with it a lot of the time (though that's different from being totally happy with it).

But I'll definitely add a few of my thoughts to this thread, as every trans person's experience with dysphoria is different, and maybe mine is relatable to some.

I find it easier to pinpoint dysphoria when I think about how I want my body to be, or through my actions and behaviours, rather than a feeling that's there.

I suppose in general, it's a simple disconnect and numbness from how I am now, a feeling of 'even though I can be okay with this and even embrace this on good days, this isn't how I really want myself to be.'

Although I can't fully articulate in words how top dysphoria feels like (especially because when I'm at home alone, and I can ignore my chest, it's not so bad), I know I'm feeling it when I feel that desperation of needing to bind before I go out and hating going out without binding. I can't articulate what it feels like to be unhappy with my body (once again, I'm mainly quite apathetic/distanced from it), though I can tell you I'm probably feeling it when I see cis guys and feel a huge sense of jealousy and wanting to look like how they look like.

And lastly, before I started realising a lot of things about my gender, I don't remember feeling a lot when I looked in the mirror. I don't remember ever super hating my body, nor ever really loving it. There was probably, once again, a lot of disconnect and "this is just how it is, so I suppose I'm okay with it." However as soon as I had a lot of epiphanies about my gender, now when I see in the mirror I see my body as male (like something hiding it has been (finally) torn away), I probably masculinise it a lot in my head. I don't even see my chest (I'm pre-everything) as a ""female"" chest, I just see it as a male chest just with something else there. Most days, plain and simple, this body is mine, and how I am most days is male, and I suppose my mind wants to see it as such.

Most of the time my dysphoria isn't too noticeable (though I have had days when it was really terrible, as in every step I took my body didn't feel like and almost everything (even thinking about cis guys I wanted to look like) was making it worse), but as soon as I begin to really notice and register my body I can sometimes pinpoint it. This post is getting really long so I think I'll stop here. Hope this helps/gives some insight, even though I probably haven't covered everything!

EDIT: How I deal with it, I mainly just distract myself. If I'm already binding, packing, wearing male clothes and all, and can do nothing else body - wise, I just try and do something else to keep my mind off it. In fact some days I actually find my weariness/dysphoria is worse when I try desperately to look as male as I can because it's never enough (and being misgendered when not desperately trying to be read as male is one thing, but being misgendered when I have done everything I can but still have people call me girl/miss, sometimes feels a lot worse), so I might just give up on it or go home and try and distract myself/watch a movie or something. Though most of the time it helps a lot to bind/pack/wear masculine clothing.

 

My dysphoria tends to fluctuate in intensity, but when it's bad, it's awful.
When I look into the mirror I see a guy, but a frustrated guy with a few things needing to be changed to ever be truly happy. A lot of dysphoria is focused on my upper chest, and before I got my binder, my life was pretty much a living hell. That was during the fall, and nearly every morning I would have severe anxiety and basically I hated myself. The day I got my binder was among the happiest days of my life. It felt so right.
Body dysphoria didn't stop there for me, though. I hate my feminine body and curves, my hips and thighs and so called "desirable" body. My voice is often a cause of frustration for me, but I don't out and out hate it, I just wish it would drop and that's one of the things I'm most looking forward to on T. As for bottom dysphoria, I only have that mildly right now.

Social dysphoria is probably what's affecting me most right now since I do my best to present male. I am not out at school, so I have to use all of the female facilities and that's awful. A main thing is that I often feel extremely inferior to the other guys at my school, which is affecting my self esteem. When people use the wrong pronouns and dead name me it hurts really bad, even though most of my friends are getting better with it. I mean, it's impossible for me to think of myself as a "she" or as my old name. It's such a foreign concept now. I'm male, and to try and deny that is something I can't do. To live as female would be to completely shatter my soul and spirit. So now, my main focus is passing in public.

This is how I experience dysphoria, and it's different for every single trans person.

 

Dysphoria for me is stronger on some days than on others. It is an uncomfortable feeling regarding my male body, and it's almost like what people call "OCD". Essentially, you know that there are specific things wrong with your appearance, yet you can't fix these things. The feeling is saddening at some times, but at other times, it's simply annoying. Sometimes, dysphoria is so annoying that I can't concentrate. However, you just have to be used to it and be optimistic. I sometimes forget about it and lose the anxiety when I don't need it, and I hope you're capable of that, too. Have a nice day. :icon_bigg

 

This, but in reverse. When I was little I could look at my parts and just think, like, what the f*** is this?!

Sometimes it's acute. Like, hospitalization-level acute. But most of the time it's just a general sense of awkwardness and discomfort.

It's... yeah, as Alec said, depressing. It's like... "What...? Why me...?" It's really hard to explain. At its root I'd say it's just deep, deep angst.

 

A lot of dysphoria for me is centered around my chest. Knowing what the feeling is helps a lot, but I used to look at my chest in the mirror and think about just cutting it off. ( and I still do, but now I think more along the lines of "one day I'll have these cut off" ) Or pinch it with my fingers and thinking about how big it feels and 'why do I have to have this'. One thing I do all the time is I'll look up or space out or something (and, of course, in my head I don't have a chest) and then I'll look down and see something I have known I'm not supposed to have ever since it started growing. I always wear sports bras (I hate that word ugh) to try to combat this because I can't really ask for a binder yet, but I don't have a big chest so it works pretty well. I have the same type of feeling about my hips (but much less so). To combat this, I always pull at my shirt/jacket to try to cover my hips, but I always end up pulling it back up to make my chest seem flatter. Needless to say, I'm constantly adjusting my clothing.

Another thing is that I hate it when people refer to me or a group of people as "girls" or "ladies" or "women". It feels like they aren't including me in the group, or that they shouldn't be because I'm not any of those things, but I know that they are including me because I know they see a girl when they look at me.

To get past it: I cut my hair shorter. (not as short as I would have liked, but it's about to the top/middle of my ears, so I'm fairly happy with it) I try not to think about it too much.

 

Dysphoria for me is a lot like a GET IT OFF GET IT OFFF feeling sometimes, but usually less extreme. It's more like a sense of not quite being able to get comfortable in myself.

Binding is problematic. While making my chest appear far flatter and look better to me, it's still uncomfortable, because it's a continuous reminder that I have something to bind. (also it kinda hurts because homemade binders are awful)

Menstruation makes me want to take a scalpel to my abdomen and cut the relevant parts out.

I sometimes also dissociate from my mid-back length hair, since I have it tucked into a hat/beanie nearly all the time. It's actually kind of funny; I jump when the ends of my hair brush my back because I want it gone so much, it sometimes is, in my mind.

Social dysphoria isn't an issue for me, since I'm barely out at school and my parents are blatantly transphobic. It's like acting. The person I play isn't me, and the only time I can be myself is to my closest friends and on the internet. Somehow, this changes my perspective enough so that I'm not wallowing in self-pity.

To get past it, I research and plan. A lot. Hysterectomies (sooo many medical texts), mastectomies (soooo many more medical texts), hacking my hair dramatically shorter once I get to college, taking T and finally dropping my voice, etc. It's kind of like planning for the future, and, to put it extremely, coming up with battle strategies against certain parts.

 

My dysphoria is focused mainly on my chest. I have no problems when it comes to social interaction and my voice is pretty low on its own, but even when I bind I just can't get a flat chest. Most days I can ignore it but when it's really bad it feels like there's a giant camera that's zoomed in to me. My inner monologue is a constant "faker" and "everyone knows." I blank. Time slows down to a crawl and I feel trapped by my own skin. And then when I move it feels like the air is made of molasses and I get seriously nauseous. I suppose it doesn't help that I also deal with severe depression, PTSD, and mild schizophrenia because everything just slams together. When I used to self harm it was always focused on my chest.

I usually deal with it by taking the day off, wrapping up in a blanket and blasting music. If I can get myself to sleep it's usually gone by the time I wake up. I'm fortunate that it only gets wildly out of control once in a while but when it does, it's pretty scary.

 

My dysphoria is really related to my depression in general. It's like, "Why am I alive, I'm not worth anything. I should be dead. I wish I was dead. Why couldn't I have been born a boy? God, please kill me. Please turn me into a boy. Please help me to stop feeling this way, like everything hurts and I want to kill myself but I'm too scared of pain. Why am I not good enough? No one loves me. No one loves me. I hate myself. I want it to all be over."

That's my general depressed thought pattern. Now that I'm a little older and I'm not dead I've realized that one day I'll move out of my mom's house and I'll become the slightly girly/androgynous man that I am. *Shrugs*

I'll feel bad about not looking how I want to, but I really associate that more with being overweight and short than being a girl per se. I actually pass a lot...

 

My dysphoria fluctuates but I know most of the time I hate having breasts and wish I was flat-chested to be able to pass more easily as male, and I want to cut my hair really short only I can't because I have trickotillomania. When I'm on my period I hate being female especially down there. Sometimes it hits me when I'm with my guy friends and I realise how short I am compared to them, and how small my shoulders are. I hate shaving and people telling me to use more feminine products. When the body dysphoria's particularly bad, when people call me by my name or refer to me as a girl or lady I feel angry and want to convince them I'm not.

Also I'm in a choir so when I sing I always think my voice is too high XP

It started when puberty did >n< before then I didn't realise how different the genders were. I didn't think puberty would actually happen to me.

 

for me it feels like some lie ive been told as a kid. A horrendous dehumanisating coat that im unable to take out, the worst unfitting coat that makes me look as all people percieve me as. A cout that i try to pull off bout it wont. A coat that grows bigger and nastier each moment

 

It's... weird. Like a numb feeling that you can ignore, but when you concentrate on it, or someone points it out, it gets more painful. Social dysphoria is the worst. Not just being called a girl, but being called a boy and then someone saying, "No, that's a girl." It's like a minefield, I never know what to say or what to call myself: everything is a lie from some perspective or another, and there's always something or someone out there to make me feel bad about myself. I'm always the awkward kid, no matter what I do. I hate having to explain why I look like a boy when I'm not a boy, but in actual fact I am a boy.

 

This probably sums up my feeling of social dysphoria.

However the physical dysphoria comes in for me when I look down and see a bulge in my skirt or pants or when I reminisce on not having the opportunity to have gone though puberty as a young woman. So much missed opportunity.